29 September 2008

Incomplete

"Incomplete"

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can't find no rest
Where I’m going is anybody’s guess

I tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It’s written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

I don’t mean to drag it on, but I can’t seem to let you go
I don’t wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)

I tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Incomplete

The words to this song depict perfectly how I feel about my firstborn. Incomplete. Not whole. Empty. I hate it.

I would love to know how to switch off my feelings for my daughter; learn to forget I even had her so I could lead a full life again. This pain is unlike any other; it still has the power to reduce me to a wreck and unable to function 10 years on. It still generates suffering and heartbreak. It still feels raw and like I won't ever be able to breathe again.

I love how I was told once my daughter had been taken I would move on and have other children to replace her. Well, I have two more children but they have their own place in my heart (as they should and deserve) but I cannot move on. See, someone forgot to do some vital surgery when they took my daughter. They forgot to unhook that invisible mother/child bond from heart and they forgot the lobotomy. Had these two things been performed, I could have moved on, could have forgotten her and lived a full and whole life. But this didn't happen and I am left with nothing, living in the shadows of my daughter's life. Her mother yet not her mother. It sucks.

I saw her today. It hurt, hurt so bad after she left I felt like I would never come out of my shell. I retreated as long as I could to my safe place but I cannot stay there as I have two other children who need their Mama. Sometimes though, I wish I could stay there. She has grown so much. I asked her if she was enjoying her visits with us, if she wanted them to continue. Apparently she does. She even wrote me a short note to say that. She doesn't know how to make decisions. Everything is 'I don't know'. I told her she could say what she liked with me. She was allowed to think for herself and she started too. Why would she feel like she couldn't?? She told me today she would like a sister. I told her she had one already and she said "Oh yeah". Then I said I understood she wanted one that lived with her permanently and she said yes. Thats exactly how DD2 feels and I told her that. She smiled. This is just so damn hard. I wish it was easier.

Well I must go. I am feeling fragile and I don't have anything more to say right now. Still processing everything that went on.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Myst - sending you love and hugz gorgeous girl.
    Poss. xxx

    ReplyDelete

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