So I get to see my girl soon. These visits often have me pent up with so many feelings weeks before. I guess its because we don't really talk. Its not a visit with me per say, but she visits my family and I just happen to be there.
It is so hard to know what is going on inside her head. I know there is something, just what? I so wish I could tell her how much I love her; want her; miss her. But with her adoptive parents breathing down my neck and keen to whisk her away at even a slight whiff of truth, I keep my distance. One day, I hope she will seek answers to the questions I see across her face. One day, I hope she will feel safe enough with me to vent her anger, her hurt at how she feels I gave her away. Because this is how she feels. She has told me that much. And that hurt. I did tell her I didn't give her away but that is all I have said for now. So more questions have formed but now she is afraid to ask them as apparently, she spoke to her adoptive parents about what we discussed and there was 'fallout'. Whatever that means.
I feel they chose to be blind to her and her pain, like if they recognised it, validated it they would see what they are guilty of. They will know they were wrong all along and its something they cannot face. So my baby girl (who is no longer a baby), is suffering for it. And I want to reach out and touch the hurt and kiss it better. Like I can for my other precious daughter. When she (Noodle I will call her) hurts herself, a kiss from Mummy is usually all it takes to make it better and that is what I want to give my oldest. Just something a mother would do; try to take all the 'ouchie' away.
So yeah... this post is me rambling a bit. I just got home from work and its 1:25am and I have had very little sleep this week after we have all had a nasty round of Gastro and my youngest one K.T. has been teething, poor wee guy. Sorry if it makes no sense!