08 October 2008

My Story

I wrote this at the beginning of 2006 for someone in the legal profession who was interested in my story. This version is the 'straight facts' version, I tried not to fluff it up, just state the facts, at least most of them. In reading it through I am surprised how much more of the coercion I left out, it was too hard to write about I guess.

Sharing this is scary but if people want to know more about what I went through, then I guess I need to start somewhere... beware, it is long and rather detailed!

In November 1996 my family moved to Australia to live. I went with them for the initial 2 months and then needed to return to New Zealand in early 1997 to finish an Early Childhood Diploma I had started in 1996.

I was sexually assaulted in late June 1997. I did ring the police and asked about a ‘hypothetical’ situation as to not commit myself to anything and found out that unless I had witnesses I would not have much chance in Court. I decided not to press charges.

July 22, 1997. The day I was told I was pregnant. At this time, I lived with close family friends, the A's (adoptive parents) from the church I had been raised in. I was very involved with my church at this point, being a volunteer for the café that the people I lived with set up, I went to a weekly prayer group, had attended camps and I was also attending a support group for Sexual Abuse survivors. I confided in this group about the pregnancy with the belief that as it was shared in the group setting, it was private and confidential information. One of the persons involved in setting up this group, D M, was the first to tell me I should consider adoption. She informed me there were many deserving couples who couldn’t have children and I should consider a church couple. This conversation was the first of many to come.

The day I found out I was pregnant, I was very scared and upset as I knew my family would not take it well. However, I was not upset about the baby rather I felt excited. I remember very clearly getting home and shutting myself in my bedroom. I stood in front of my mirror and pulled up my top to rub my tummy. I told my baby that I loved him/her and that regardless of what happened (i.e. how I had become pregnant) I did not hold him/her responsible and how I couldn’t wait to meet him/her. I came from a Baptist background which is very strict and forceful in their views. I knew people would judge my family and I which made me fearful.

A couple of days after discovering I was pregnant I made a visit to the local welfare office to find out what support was available for single parents. It was here I came across a brochure for ‘Crisis Pregnancy Counselling’. I took the brochure as it seemed to be exactly the kind of service I would need to help support me in my pregnancy as the brochure spoke about assisting expectant mothers prepare for the baby etc.

That same night I called the guy who sexually assaulted me (I knew him from school) and told him of the pregnancy. My aim had been to confront him with the sexual assault too but I didn’t get a chance that night as he told me he wanted to speak with his sister about the pregnancy and get back to me. The following night after waiting for his call, I phoned him back and he told me to get an abortion. I said no, I didn’t want to do that, I was anti abortion. I said I wanted to keep and raise the baby and I was only calling him to tell him about the pregnancy as I wanted to do the right thing by my baby by letting his/her father know. I also confronted him about the sexual assault to which he admitted and told me that I couldn’t do anything about it as I had no witnesses and it would be his word against mine. He also abused me verbally about the pregnancy and said if I didn’t have an abortion and went ahead with the pregnancy, he would take the baby off me when he/she was born. He then put me onto a person he said was his brother in law who proceeded to threaten me by saying they could force me to have an abortion or they could take my baby. After yelling at me for a while and calling me slut, I hung up on him.

After this phone call I telephoned Crisis Pregnancy Centre in tears afraid my baby would be taken from me. I spoke to a woman (H E) who assured me that he couldn’t take my baby. I cannot recall if it was this conversation or one after this one but she said to me that she knew a way for me not to let the father get my baby (I didn’t want him near my baby as he was into drugs, alcohol and sex at the time, not a healthy environment for a baby). I asked her what that was and she suggested adoption. She also ‘counselled’ me very strongly against abortion which I had already ruled out. I told her I wanted to keep my baby. She told me about how ‘wonderful’ adoption was so I told her I would look into it, without any intention of doing so.

Shortly after this conversation I told my parents about my pregnancy who did not take the news very well for the first couple of months. This time left me feeling very depressed and suicidal. My Mum told me I had three options and to think of all three but Dad coming from a Catholic background said I had two and when I told him I didn’t want to adopt my child out he asked me to at least ‘take a look at it’ Again, without intention, I agreed. My family and I sorted out our differences and by the time I was three months, things were better.

Over the next months, there was much talk of adoption ‘at’ me. I was not asked what I wanted for my child, nor was I ever asked whether I needed assistance to set up a home somewhere. I visited Holly House but was scared off by the stringent rules they had and felt I was at risk from the church there.

H E (an adoptive mother/crisis pregnancy counsellor) started pushing the issue of adoption very heavily around eight weeks into my pregnancy. I started lunching with her and seeing her on a fairly regular basis. During these lunches she would speak often about how terrible other girls were for wanting to have abortions or keep their children when there were so many childless couples who deserved to have babies. H spoke a lot of her own adopted girls and how happy they made her. She also had a pile of profiles of prospective adoptive parents that were the same ones as Social Welfare, or so she said. I was told I should not let anyone know she had them. She would go through them with me and tried to push one couple on me in particular. I recall they lived in or around Hanmer Springs. She said they were lovely people and would make fantastic parents. I felt like I didn’t exist anymore. As one person (R O) in my church had said, I was more of a surrogate mother than a mother, and I was being used by God so He could bless a couple with a baby. She would say ‘this isn’t really your baby’.

On October 29, 1997 I met with a social worker at the Children’s and Young Person’s Unit in Christchurch. The crisis pregnancy counsellor, H E, arranged the appointment and went along with me. Before we went she coached me not to listen to anything the social worker had to say, she would only want to make me have an abortion. This was also the time she instructed me not to mention my Maori heritage because then the baby would be taken and put with a Maori family. By this stage, I was very much confused as to whom I should listen to. I recall the social worker was not the person H E said she was but I obeyed and did everything I was told to do (by so called 'counsellor').

On Monday 3rd November, 1997 I met a solicitor, for the first time in an appointment set up and accompanied by H E. She used to make appointments for me and I would go to them, usually accompanied by her. By this time I felt like there was two me’s; this person I was watching who was pregnant and having her baby taken and me, the one keeping the baby.

Meanwhile with the church people, the pressure was intensifying as more people found out I was pregnant. Some found out through the lady from the sexual abuse group (breach of confidentiality) and others found out as I told them. An older girl, (J R) an adoptee and art teacher also from my church, befriended me. I confided in her I was pregnant and she asked if I had considered adoption. I told her I was looking into it like my Dad asked but wanted to keep my baby. She strongly ‘encouraged’ me to adopt my baby out; keeping my child ‘should not be an option’. She took me ‘under her wing’ and started seeing more of me, always keeping the focus on me adopting my baby out. When I said I wanted to keep her, she would tell me off, saying that I was selfish and that I should consider the amazing life my baby could have. She showed me photos of her family and told me how adoption had been great for her. I saw her roughly every week until my baby was born.

The church people (including the senior pastor I had known my whole life and others as they learned I was pregnant, some whom I had never met) started telling me that I was selfish for wanting to keep my baby; God wanted her to go to another home; I wasn’t her mother merely growing her for another couple; to see myself as a surrogate mother; If I truly loved her I would adopt her out; True love was to adopt her out; I would ruin her life etc,. This was when the church couples were suggested to me, one of them being a couple who had just returned home; ex missionaries like my family who had come home from Cambodia. (Altogether there were 3-4 couples waiting in the wings for my child) People in the church, I don’t remember who they were, (my church was fairly large), began to comment in front of me and to me that the X's couldn’t have children of their own and what wonderful parents they would make. I went to a women’s breakfast and Mrs X was one of the women to speak and I am fairly sure that is the day D M told me I should consider them. They were not the only couple waiting for my daughter. Presented with the fact I would not be allowed to keep my child, I attempted to get to know one of the couples who might be getting my baby. This was the X's.

By this point I did not feel I had the right to even want to keep my baby, let alone make that decision. Even the Minister of my church, would come up to me and make sure I was going ahead with the adoption. I was brainwashed so effectively by what the church folk and my counsellor was saying, I honestly believed I was not going to get through to the other end with my child in tact, no matter how much I wanted to keep her.

R O was another person heavily involved in pushing the adoption issue heavily with me. She also discussed couples in the church with me and I told her that the X's had been suggested to me. (Feeling I had no choice in losing my child I had already asked another friend of the X's to approach them but she didn't believe it was the right thing to do and so declined. How I wish it had been left at that) RO offered to ask them and see if they would meet with us. I said no and told her why but she decided to approach them anyway to see if they would be interested in meeting with me. I hoped like hell they were not but they were. A meeting at McDonalds was set up for one Sunday morning in October as I had recently had my 20 week scan and recall knowing that my baby was a girl.

The night before the meeting, J R stayed the night with me and suggested I write the X's a letter. I told her I didn’t know what to write so she ‘helped’ me write the letter. R O turned up in the morning to pick me up and she held this intense prayer session about how wonderful it was I was giving up my baby and how great the X's were and to ask God to help me continue with the adoption. I remember it as I was very uncomfortable.

R accompanied me to the meeting with the X's. They basically talked and asked me what I was having. I remember them asking as Mrs X was very happy I was having a girl and said they wanted a little girl, preferred little girls. I wished from then on that the scan was wrong and I had a boy as I wanted to keep my baby although I was happy with having a girl (I didn’t mind what I was having as I had been an Early Childhood Carer for many years).

After this meeting, the X's had me come around to their house to talk about ‘their’ baby. I just remember thinking they must have been speaking about someone else. They never asked me if it was something I wanted to do; they only wanted to talk of their plans for the baby. It never really occurred to me they were talking about my baby until they visited me in the hospital.

My sister came to visit her friends and me in September 1997. She stayed for about two weeks. During this time she met HE (pregnancy counsellor) and saw first hand the pressure I was under. She was only 16 so didn’t feel like she could do anything either but I confided in her how I truly felt.

When she left mid October, I felt very low as she had been a lifeline so to speak. I was again isolated and surrounded by people pushing the adoption.

I was to spend Christmas and New Year with my family in Australia. To save for this I babysat and nannied a few times. When I wasn’t babysitting or Nannying, I remember going to shops and looking at baby things. I even bought clothing for my baby which was frowned on by J R, R O and H E (and a few others who I cannot recall names as there were too many faces who had an opinion!) as it showed them “I was too attached to the baby”.

Before flying to Australia, I had to arrange a new place to live so H set up a place for me with an older woman, J C, a friend of hers. Had this not worked out, the prospective adopters had offered me to live with them. I also received a small gift from the X's which increased the pressure I felt from them tenfold.

While I was in Australia, I started to relax. I made it clear how I felt about my baby, that I wanted to keep her. I talked to her often and read her ‘Winnie the Pooh and the House from Pooh Corner’. She had started moving a lot and it was visible to others and I used to get my sisters to put their hands on my tummy to feel her move. My youngest sister felt a bit weird about that, after all she was only 14 at the time. We went up to Queensland for two weeks and stayed with my parents’ best friends. They turned out to be more who were very much in favour of adoption and only further heightened my feeling of hopelessness in my situation.

While I was in Queensland I bought my baby a few more things and a gift for the adoptive parents, H and JR as I felt obliged. (They had all bought me gifts before I went to Australia)

A few days before I left to fly to New Zealand (January 12, 1998), I phoned the Post Adoption Resource Centre in Sydney and spoke to LP. I told her what was happening and I recall she told me that if the baby was born in Australia I wouldn’t have to have my baby adopted out and that the X's wouldn’t be able to have her as she would be an Australian citizen. I remember thinking how much I would like that to happen but my plane ticket was already booked.

Arriving back in Christchurch on 19 January 1998, I was picked up at the airport by J C. During those two weeks I bought a baby book for my baby and started thinking of ways I could keep my baby. I didn’t tell anyone these plans as I was afraid of what people would say. I think I may have confided in one of my best friends at the time. I lived with J C for two weeks and then had to run away as she became rather possessive and weird. I moved back into the A’s while I looked for somewhere else to live. Amber-Rose was not due at this point for another 2 months. I eventually arranged to move in with R O when I couldn’t find anywhere else. This move was to take place around the end of February.

R O also started to pressure me to allow herself and the X's in the delivery room or just outside. She liked the American idea of having the adoptive ‘father’ cut the cord. I was extremely uncomfortable with this idea and remember starting to feel very stressed at this point as I was really wanting to keep my baby by now and the pressure just kept mounting. On Sunday 15 February 1998, I met with Mrs X at Le Café as she wanted to see how I was going. She too broached the subject of being in the delivery room; I remember being very upset at this thought. I was strongly opposed to this idea. I was by now suffering from extreme stress. I need to point out at this stage I was very afraid of being anywhere I was not familiar with. I was also suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after being raped and from going through a traumatic experience in 1993 (my family was all suffering PTSD from the same incident, this had been diagnosed.)

On Tuesday morning at 1:30, 17th February 1998, my waters broke. Being 6 weeks early and my mum not yet over here (she was to be my birth partner), I panicked. I called my midwife and arranged to meet her at the hospital at 3:30am. I then rang my parents and told them. I also rang and told Nicole. After this, I phoned a taxi and left a note for the A's explaining where I was and packed my bag. The taxi came and I was at the hospital by 3:00am. I pretty much decided to ‘run away’ and have my baby on my own that night. I had been asked by R O to contact her when I went into labour and I was also supposed to let the X's know but I really did not want them to take my baby and so decided to go through the labour and birth on my own. Again, this was an indication of how I truly felt.

Amber-Rose, (her name chosen by myself when I was around 4 ½ months pregnant) was born at 9:17am on Tuesday 17 February 1998.

Being premature, she was taken away to the Neo-natal Unit and I didn’t really get to see her. I remember finally getting taken to my room in the ward and the reality of what was happening to me hit me solidly. I kept asking to see my baby but I was told I couldn’t because she was having tests. I was given a photograph but kept persisting. I remember finally being taken to the NICU and at first the neo-natal doctors wouldn’t let me in to see her; they asked me what I was doing and I told them I wanted to see my baby and they said it wasn’t wise as she was up for adoption; yet that ‘decision’ (for want of a better word) had not even been made. I told them I was her mother and I wanted to see her. I finally got to see her.

Back in my room I started getting visitors. I don’t remember who they all were that day as I was tired but I remember all my visitors treating me like my baby had just died. Comments like “we are so sorry”, “how sad for you”, “the X's must be so happy” etc were said to me within hours of giving birth. No one asked me how I was, how I felt now or what I wanted to do. I felt angry as I wanted the congratulations and support but no one was there for me and my daughter. J R visited me the afternoon of February 17 just after 4pm and I remember her visit as the first thing she asked me was had I signed the consent and when I said no, she asked me why not and when I was going to. I told her I didn’t want to. She told me it was all arranged, I had no other choice.

I requested that I not see the X's as I didn’t want them there to pressure me but they came the day after my daughter was born as well as the next day and I was to exhausted to fight so I said nothing. They bought me an expensive gift from the Body Shop, just for me, nothing for my daughter. This only increased the pressure on me. I sent this gift back to them during the court case with a note telling them they couldn’t ‘buy’ my daughter. I requested they not visit me a couple of times but this was not respected.

I found out that the nurses’ board had BFA next to my daughter’s name; I saw it there and asked what it meant. They told me it meant ‘Babe for adoption’ and I told them I didn’t want it there as I hadn’t yet made that decision and didn’t want to give up my baby. For some reason (still to this day I don't know why), they couldn’t take it off, another thing that pushed the fact it was inevitable whether I wanted it to be or not.

After that visit, I just remember the next few days being very depressed. D M was another one who kept visiting me (she was with the Chaplain’s service at the hospital) with the same demand and then there was R O. She bought me a present and then when I told her I was keeping Amber, she told me I was so awful, selfish, breaking the X's hearts etc. She also told me my daughter would grow up to hate me if I didn’t adopt her out as I couldn’t give her anything she needed but the X's could. She bought me a baby book another mother had made for a child she had adopted out and photocopies of it and said I needed to start a book like that one for Amber. She even had paper and pens! She also bought a copy of an article about open adoption and other adoption propaganda and made me read it with her.

I was in two worlds during this time. One world was back in the ward with ‘visitors’ hounding me every day to sign the consent forms as well as telling me I was selfish etc if I didn’t; and the other world where I was in the Neo-Natal Unit and there was just Amber and myself. I would get up early every morning (sometimes as early as 4am) and race down to see if she was awake. I would then change her nappy, clean her mouth and eyes and hold her while the nurse changed her bedding. I sang to her and spoke to her and she would look up at me. I started breast feeding her although I was supposed to bottle feed her. In my mind I was keeping her. There was no reason to put her on bottles unless she was being adopted. Adoption was something out there waiting to get her. While I was in the hospital, I felt safe. No one could take her away from me here.

My mum arrived from Sydney on February 19. She was supportive of me keeping her and we had discussions to this effect. She bought me some nappies and more clothes with her and a big teddy bear. Shortly after my mum arrived, I was transferred to the Nurses hostel while waiting for Amber to get well. I was told I could be there for a couple of weeks depending on how Amber fared. I loved being in the hostel. No one knew where I was and I told no one. No one from church was given my number and I spent most of my time with Amber or my Mum. I went to Pregnancy Help to find some clothes and things for her and started thinking about things I would need to keep Amber. At some point I went to see M K the solicitor to tell him I didn’t want to sign an adoption consent. He acted like he didn’t hear me and kept saying ‘I can’t take your consent yet’ while I was saying that I wouldn’t sign! My mum was there for that visit. During that visit, he also ‘encouraged’ adoption strongly, saying it was the best option for my child and showed me photos of his children and told me they were adopted. He went on to say their mothers were happy with their decision and had ‘gone on’ with their lives. Even my mother felt this was very inappropriate, unprofessional and felt uncomfortable with him.

During my days with Amber, there was a Neo-Natal nurse who was supportive of me and she encouraged me to do what I wanted. She told me there was a system where I could take my baby out for a walk as long as I knew infant CPR which I did from my early childhood course. We were going to set this up. I don’t know why it was never set up but it never got mentioned again and I was brushed off when I asked about it. I also don’t recall getting to see that nurse again.

I found out that Amber was having visits from people unknown to me, without my permission.  I should point out that legally, she was still my daughter at this point and no one was supposed to be admitted to the NICU without a legal parent present!  They were never identified to me either but I saw it on her medical records. When I found this out I was angry and told the nurse no one was to have unsupervised contact with her, they had to be with me if they wanted to see her.

Amber was finally moved into Intermediate Nursery and out of NICU which meant I was readmitted to the hospital as a border Mum. Before moving back into the Ward, I had called the adoption off and told everyone I was keeping my baby. Moving back into the hospital, things went really bad; I had visitors again: the X's D M, friends of the X's, R O, H E and J R among others. Again, the pressure was on but now it was worse as I had made the decision to keep Amber. The X's told me I was their only hope of being parents and pleaded with me to go through with the adoption, while others told me I was being selfish and I had no right to want to keep my baby, the X's were being so hurt and how dare I do this to them. I was told again my child would hate me, I was ruining her life. Finding the pressure too much, I went back to M K and asked him about other ways of letting the X's have Amber without adopting her out, so that I could still have her too. I was told there was nothing but he mentioned the Guardianship Order and I opted to look into that. He again showed me his children’s picture and reminded me his children were adopted.

Another person who pressured me to adopt my daughter out was a paediatrician at Christchurch Women’s Hospital. She was very unfriendly and told me I was selfish for wanting to keep my child; that I could not provide for my daughter ‘like the adoptive parents can’ and everything is in place so I should do it. I recall having a conversation about the Guardianship idea with her and she told me I was being unfair and not to expect the adopters to go ahead with it and I would only confuse my daughter. I told her that I didn’t want to lose my baby and she again said I was selfish and I could go on and have more children etc. I remember her as she was particularly rough with my daughter and made my baby scream when she was doing the hip test. From my second child, I know this roughness was unnecessary.

During the days when the adoption had been called off, my mother and I would occasionally go into town for a quick break from the hospital. I recall one rare excursion where we met by chance Mr X' who was accompanied by a friend. I had a panic attack. By the end of the meeting, my heart was racing, I was wet with a cold sweat and I was so stressed that I suddenly let off a strong BO. I was very embarrassed about this but it has been explained to me since that it was a strong reaction to and an indication of the high level of stress I was under.

There was a meeting held in the hospital a day before I left or maybe on the day I left hospital to discuss what I was thinking. I then told the X's I didn’t want to adopt Amber out but I was thinking of the Guardianship Order.

I told them it was because I wanted to make everyone happy and still not lose Amber. They said adoption or nothing. Mr X also said that he and Mrs X didn’t want to ‘take my baby’ and worked by ‘God’s laws, not man’s law’ (meaning morals).

He also said that if I still felt the way I was feeling now after I signed the adoption consent, they would return her to me. (Both my mother and myself took this to mean that if I still wanted Amber after the papers were signed, they would return her to me. We were to ‘trial’ it first). I felt relieved hearing this as I felt I didn’t have to lose my baby after all. In the ‘open adoption’ agreement, an arrangement was set up for me to let them know how I was feeling in regards to whether I still wanted to keep my child or not. After returning to Sydney, within 3 days, either I or my mum was to ring them and let them know how it was all going ie if I still wanted Amber or if the adoption was to go ahead.

With this belief that I wasn’t going to lose her, under immense coercion, in shock due to the premature nature of the birth and out of my mind with stress (since diagnosed as PTSD), I was forced to sign the consent on 6 March 1998. To be honest, I could have signed my own death warranty that day, it wouldn’t have mattered. The pressure had been so very affective. I should mention during this time H E told me that if I DIDN'T sign the papers, there was a way around them as someone else could on my behalf - the Director General - which was confirmed by 'my' solicitor.  Basically this meant, if I DIDN'T sign, she could be made a 'child of the government' and this Director General (now called something else) could sign the adoption consent in my stead.   So it was either lose her or trust what her adopters said and hand her over. Hardly a choice. I have since found out that whilst this is true, it would not have happened in my case as I was not proven an unfit mother and they have to prove that first.

The day I signed, I put a birth notice in the paper. It seems strange now that on one hand I was doing normal mother things when I was also meant to be signing an adoption consent! To me now, it just shows I was never serious about the adoption; the adoption consent was just a piece of paper and I had signed heaps of pieces of paper up until this day. It didn’t mean anything.

Before the consent was signed, I received no counselling, no one asked me if I was signing free from pressure or coercion. M K himself assured me I was doing the best thing for my baby and that ‘I would get on with my life’. I also was not informed of the true effects of the adoption consent. I had no idea that once signed, I could not revoke it. M K wouldn’t allow me to leave immediately after the ‘consent’ was signed and made me sit down while he asked me questions about marriage and the future. He later put in his affidavit that I was ‘calm and collected’ and chatted about my future. To be honest I don’t remember much of what went on in that ‘chat’, I was just thinking of Amber waiting for me in the waiting area; my mum with Amber, had been told to wait out there.

Amber-Rose was taken out of my arms on the morning of 7 March 1998 at Christchurch Airport. I flew back to Sydney and, within hours of being home, told my mum I was going back to get Amber. My Dad was in Paris at this point, away on a business trip. I told him on the phone. My parents both supported me. As the 7th of March was a Saturday, I couldn’t do anything about the ‘adoption’ so on Monday (9th March) I phoned PARC (Post Adoption Resource Centre) and spoke again with L P about what had happened and made an appointment to see her on Wednesday (11th March). The Tuesday (10th March) before the appointment, Mum phoned the X's, asked about Amber-Rose and informed them I was still feeling the same way and that I still wanted to keep Amber, meaning I did not want to proceed with the adoption. They ended the conversation. Since this telephone conversation, I have realised if I could prove what was in this phone call, my consent would have been effectively withdrawn as neither copy of the consent had been received by their solicitor and I had let the adoptive couple know directly that I no longer wanted to proceed with the adoption.

I met with LP on Wednesday, March 11 and discussed the events. She told me I could still withdraw my consent (Australia Law allows 30 days cool off period) and asked me how long I had. I told her I thought I had either 10 days or until the final order was made. I gave her P M’s (head of Adoption Unit ) phone number and she said she would call him and inform him I wanted to withdraw my consent. I didn’t want to speak with M K again considering he had been so obviously in favour of the adoption and had even pressured me to sign the consent.

I received a phone call from LP on Thursday or Friday telling me New Zealand law had no revocation period. I was devastated. I phoned P M and asked him what my options were. He told me I could write to the X's on moral grounds requesting my daughter be returned to me, after all they had said they would return her if I still wanted her. I just wanted to point out that in Judge I decision even he himself was unsure when I had ‘changed my mind’. I say this is because I never did in fact change my mind rather free from the pressure and away from the people pushing the adoption on me; I was able to finally stand up and say what I wanted and make my own decision. Sadly, I had no idea the law was against me.

I wrote a letter to the adoptive parents. It was changed quite a bit by my Dad to make it appear more gentle as we didn’t want them to ignore it or shut me out. He suggested I put things in the letter that didn’t speak about the coercion and pressure so as not to ‘scare’ them off. Hence why there are statements in the letter relating to my circumstances (eg financial) but it was not what forced me to sign. I put that in there as to not point the finger at the pressure they placed on me. The X's rejected my request that they return my daughter and I decided to proceed legally.

I found a lawyer who agreed to take my case and we began to build a case. My original claim was that my consent was never given freely without pressure or that it was informed. My lawyer advised we drop this avenue as apparently it is very difficult to prove this in New Zealand Courts. We instead proceeded with a legal technicality. We won this case. The X's appealed and won the appeal but it was sent back to the Family Court to be heard whether or not the adoption would promote the Best Interests and Welfare of the Child. At any point, the X's could have dropped this case and, as legally the adoption was not in place and now in question, I could have simply resumed my place as my daughter' s mother.

I truly believed I would win this case; after all I was not an unfit mother and I had a lot to offer my child within her natural family as well as the fact she is part Maori and I still have strong ties with my Whanau and culture.

A report was written by an adoption professional and and he found Amber’s best interests and welfare would be promoted by returning her to me, her natural mother.

What happened next still remains a mystery to me, even now. The Judge who was already on the case was mysteriously excused and Judge Inglis, a Judge from the North Island and a Judge I thought I would never be unlucky enough to have, took over. He decided I had no legal standing (it is up to the Judge’s discretion) which meant my lawyer was not able to represent me in my final hearing. This meant I had no representation in my final hearing at all. As I predicted the moment I heard Inglis would be taking over the case, I lost and an Interim Adoption Order was made.

Although this decision was wrong and goes against the policy of the Family Court, ie, to keep families together where possible, I was exhausted mentally and needed time to recover my strength. I also didn't want to see Amber being tossed back and forward as it was causing her confusion. I almost lost my sanity. I tried to commit suicide but because I was staying with caring people, every time I was in the process of doing it, someone would walk in on me and stop me.

I finally returned to Sydney Australia to live with my family (November 1998) and started the agonising process of trying to get people in New Zealand to listen to my story. I do not want anyone else to suffer as my daughter and I have. It is not selfish to want to keep one’s child; regardless of one’s status. Being an unwed mother is not a crime although it is still frowned upon by society. To take a child out of her natural family to place it among strangers, that is the true crime. This case has breached the United Nations Declaration of Human Rights and the Rights of the Child; including the rules on Adoption and Fostering in the countries who are members of the United Nations.

I do not believe I was ever in a state of mind to give a free and informed consent without duress/coercion. My actions prove every time I had away from phone calls and visitors pressuring me, I was looking for a way out. Even the fact Amber-Rose had been out of my arms less than a few hours when I said I was going to get her back is proof I never wanted to part with her and that it was not my decision but that of others. Not only was my decision not free, it was not informed. I did not know the law and I was never counselled as to the full effects of adoption and what it would mean for both my child and myself. I was never warned of the mental health implications of adoption and it was known in the professional world before I was pressured to adopt out my child that adoption affects both the mother and child adversely; the child suffers a trauma and the mother suffers PTSD among other mental illnesses.

For me to make a free decision, I would need to have ALL the facts about adoption as well as all the legal implications; in other words I would have had to be informed. While the Act itself does not provide room for counselling for a birth parent, to sign a consent freely, the birth parent would need to make an “informed” decision. The word “informed” is defined as making a decision “based on a sound understanding of the facts” (From the English Oxford Dictionary). To be truly informed of the effect of adoption in order to satisfy making a free and rational decision, and sign a consent form it can only mean that there would indeed need to be some sort of counselling and knowledge given for the adoption consent to be valid in a legal sense. I received no such counselling, therefore I was not informed as I should have been and based on that I conclude my consent could never have been valid.

During the pregnancy of my second child I was worried about having another premature baby. This meant I had to explain what happened with my first child. I was told on several separate occasions by different doctors and nurses the most likely reason for my first child coming early was because of the extreme amount of stress I was under. From research into this subject, it is more than likely had I been left alone and not placed under an obscene amount of pressure, my daughter would have, most likely, been born around her due date as there were no medical problems with the pregnancy. In his decision to grant an adoption order, Inglis QC stated that I had not thought of my child as the amount of pressure I had placed on the adoptive parents would have affected my daughter. In the same vein, my question is, why then was I pressured so much? Why, when it has been proven that a mother under extreme stress during pregnancy can affect her as yet unborn child, was it okay for the prospective adopters to place me under an even greater amount of stress? This stress grew to the point where my body went into premature labour and my daughter was born before she was ready.

Had I truly been in a frame of mind to adopt my child out, I would not have breast fed her, would not have told all involved the adoption was off, would not have voiced my objections loud and clear to the solicitor involved and eight years down the track, would not be trying to fix this mess not of my making. Unfortunately, due to the pressure I was under, some of my actions appeared to look like I was in favour of the adoption, but at no point were these actions done without being initiated by someone else. These actions only show how effectively I was brainwashed.

My case highlights the injustice of the New Zealand Adoption Act 1955 to mothers and their children. It has long been known that an infant, unless in extreme circumstances, should not be separated from its mother. When born, the infant has a symbiotic relationship with his/her mother. The infant is not yet aware that they are indeed a separate entity altogether. They know the mother’s smell, heartbeat, sound of her voice and these are all important factors to help the survival of the child. From my own experience with other children, they do not realise they are separate beings until well into their toddler years between 1 and 2. Upon finding this out even at this age, it is a troubling and confusing time and children seemingly independent will suddenly become clingy and unsure of themselves. They are able to realise this at this age because their psyche can handle it. To force a newborn to face it within days of being born is cruel and inhumane. It is well known that a child separated from its mother at birth for whatever purpose will suffer a trauma unlike any other. Adoption encourages this trauma and offers no protection for the child or the mother. What needs to be realised is that for the child, the mother is what he/she needs. The mother whom he has trusted and been encased in for 9 months. In adoption, this trauma is not recognised and the child and mother are cut out from each others lives. If the best interests and welfare of the child are truly to be considered, adoption will not be an option for infants. There is no place in today’s society for adoption.


  1. Myst - I am so sorry. My heart breaks for the cruelty you and your daughter were forced to face. I can't even imagine the horror you must have lived through during that time and continue to live through now.
    What was done to you was wrong in every way. There is no excuse for those people or for their actions. In all ways, they stole your baby from you and you from your baby.
    Keep speaking out like this. Others need to know your story. They need to see how very traumatic adoption is to not only a mother but to an innocent child who will also forever live with the terrible affects of being separated from her mother.

  2. Hi Cassi :) Thanks for reading!! I didn't realise how long it was until I read it after posting it and my eyes got sore so thank you for making it to the bottom! Thank you also for your inspiring blog; I have been a frequent reader there lately and I love how you speak out so freely, thank you! Sorry you have also had to experience the trauma of adoption and its ugliness. Myst xx

  3. Myst, I struggled to read this post to the end, I did read it to the end but I really struggled, as I was torn between crying and wanting to vomit.
    I cant believe that this was just 11 yrs ago and in NZ. Just dumfounded that this could happen in this day and age.
    Im so so so sorry that you and Amber were seperated..It is SO WRONG and my heart breaks for you and or Amber.

    Damn all these so called bible bashing do gooders who rip babies away from their mothers, in the name of God.

    Im so sorry Myst :(

  4. Myst,
    I just read your blog. I have tears pricking at my eyes and I'm afraid to go to sleep for fear that nightmares will come. I don't even know what to say other than "I'm so, so sorry this happened to you."

  5. I just came across your blog and must make a comment.
    I honestly dont know what to say. I can hear the pain in your words and they brought me to tears.
    I know me saying Im sorry doesnt take away any of your pain... but please know I am really, really sorry for what you have been thru.

  6. Sorry Tara and Deborah, I haven't acknowledged your comments. Thank you. Sometimes a simple gesture of reaching out can mean more than one can imagine.

    Thank you again :)

    Myst xxx

  7. What I don't understand (and I guess I am naive) is why the adoptive family would keep the child knowing full well you wanted her back. I guess they have no conscience. Your child will eventually find all this out and then God help them.

  8. Hi Jennifer,

    Thank you for reading my story :)

    No, I don't think you are naiive... so many people have asked me this same question.

    The adoptive mother told me it was because she was her mother, not me. Apparently I was just the incubator. My rape occurred so they could have a child. (This they told me in not so many words) I sooooo do not agree. Had I been left alone and supported, there is no way I would have ended up being separated from my child. They knew shortly after birth that I wanted to keep her and they begged me to sign (well she did) because I was their only hope of having a child.

    I felt sad for them, I wore their pain and my daughter and I were sacrificed to make them happy. Hence why I agreed to the three day trial period. Which was the stupidest thing I have ever done; that plus trusting they would keep their word.

    Anyway, thanks for popping by.


  9. Myst-
    I am a birth mom. I just found your blog and read your story. That is heart wrenching. Thank you for sharing. I am in tears. I feel so sorry for the pressure you were under. Being pregnant young and faced with a decision is hard enough with out having what should have been your support system against you. I am glad that your parents were supportive. I wish you the best. much love to you.

  10. I'm in tears right now.

    And positively speechless.


  11. hi Myst What a heartbreaking story but thanks so much for posting it. I'm in the U.S and always thought that adoptions were so much more ethical in your part of the world. I understand that things in Australia are better and unfortunately I just assumed the same was true in New Zealand, so I'm really glad I had the opportunity to read this. It must have been so difficult for you to write but again thank you. With warmest wishes for you and your daughter. Clare

  12. I'm so sorry for the way you were treated and tricked by the people who should have been your suppport system. I am in chock that this all happened in the 1990's, not the 1950's, 60's or 70's as I first assumed while reading your story...Thank you for sharing! I hope that good will come out of this, that maybe another young women will be saved from the coersion and bullying that you had to endure.

    By the way, I am a sometimes angry/sometimes sad adoptee as well as a former teen mom. I was 15 when I got pregnant, and felt the same pressures you dealt with, though I actually lived in a home for teen moms. Run by, yes, Catholic charites. When persuasion and threats didn't throw us on the adoption bandwagon, they even tried bribes. I'm happy to say that I kept my baby, she is now almost 21 and is NOT ruined because of the choices I made back then. She's a good person, and I thank MYSELF everyday for proving those SOB's wrong! I'm also happy to see that the organization has done a complete turnaround, they now have programs to encourage teen moms to keep their babies, parenting classes, counseling, (real counseling, not the persuasive kind) and, a support system. Better late than never...

  13. {{{{{Myst}}}}}

    Love to you both. x

  14. My heart breaks everytime I read this post. I can't put into words.:-(

  15. Myst,
    Just read this for the first time. You know how I feel about adoption and you know how I care about you and Amber so please excuse an old, angry adoptee when I say...
    To the adopters - you are scum.
    To you - send me Amber's email and I will send her this link. Like seriously..... she needs to know and she will understand and she is NOT too young. Adoption gives you a remarkable ability to understand a hell of a lot at an early age. (Try being told you are adopted. Gives you great processing skills real quick).
    Or send her the link yourself ............ just make sure she gets it. Amber needs to read this.
    I hate them for it. Bloody pentecostal churches. You don't mention the denomination but I just bet it was an AOG or similar. Bastions of spiritual abuse.
    My heart breaks for you but I refuse to sit back and allow what happened to me to happen to Amber. TELL HER THE TRUTH. Like I said to you once - she is going to be mad as hell with someone. Make sure it's them!
    I so hope I haven't hurt you. I know you know I am doing it tough atm and sometimes pain makes us brave.
    Disgusting monsters knew you wanted her and they manipulated a young, frightened girl. CAN I HAVE JUST 10 MINUTES WITH THEM PLEASE?
    I hate them. I am too old now to pretend that any of this is OK. This is not OK.
    Be strong and without fear. You are Amber-Rose's mother and she knows it. The DNA will bring you both home.

  16. Hi Debbie,

    Luv you! You haven't hurt me or offended me; I totally get how you feel.

    I hope to give her her story one day. I was actually only talking about this with my mum the other day and we both think she is a little immature to handle it yet. Her adopters have kept her very young and I don't want to hurt her. The way she came to be adopted will hurt her anyway and I just want her to be stronger or at an age where she can understand it plus I want to have more of a relationship with her too so she can yell, scream and cry with/at me about it if she needs to and right now I don't think she would feel she could do that yet.

    There is something unique about our relationship... we do have so much in common its quite scary but then there are her adopters and they destroy so much.

    Thank you for your support Deb... I know one thing, if my girl ever needs support, I have great people to direct her too and you will be one of the first!!!

    Luv you,
    Myst xxx

  17. Myst--
    I just read your story and now I am the one crying. You have suffered severe trauma and I am just devastated for you and your daughter. The repeated injustices in your story are maddening. Really, I don't even know what to write. There is no band aid for the depth of grief you have endured.
    I will have to read more of your blog to see if there have been any new developments. I wanted to start with the background story first.

    1. Don't know what to say - I am sorry it made you cry!

      You are right though, there is no band aid and you never know where the next blow will come from as it is a situation which deals with a breathing, living person who has her own thoughts and her own feelings... plus the people who have her.

      Thank you for reading and your comment xxx

  18. Myst, I just started reading your story. This post brought me to tears several times. I am so sorry for what you and Amber-Rose had to endure. But I am thrilled that you found the voice to share your story. Hopefully it will help others. Mostly, I hope it helps you and your daughter.

    1. Hi Loving Mother :)

      Thank you for reading my story and your comment...



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