09 November 2008

Bad Days

We all have them. Bad hair days as some call them. I don't know what to call them as they are days that haunt me. Play games with my heart. These are those days that, for no particular reason the grief you have become so good at hiding peeks out and grabs you by the heartstrings. And squeezes hard.

The sharp intake of breath. The straining as you try to keep that plastic smile firmly in place. Nothing is wrong... everything is just fine. If only.

Sometimes I want to scream. I want to curl up in a ball and just let myself slide into another place, a safe place where I don't have to think about that other part of me who is missing. My daughter... my precious girl who I miss every moment of every day.

What did bring this on?? Ahhh, I think I know. Noodle had her first day of orientation for Kindy. At the same school I was going to send A.. the one I had picked out whilst still pregnant with her and now her little sister will be going to it. Its a fabulous wee school. And its Catholic, just like the one she goes too. So there lies part of the issue. What has she really gained from being adopted?

I hate having this competition in my head with her adopters but when you have been told you would destroy your child's life if you kept her and are not good enough for your own baby, it kind of stays with you. And replays in your head. Hell, I am still fighting this now with my other two children. I don't think I will ever feel good enough... I was brainwashed so very effectively.

So, I have had a bad day. Another to add to a series of bad days over the past little while. I don't know why, but she haunts me. I feel her daily and it kills me that I cannot see her. I am sick of these days, they are very draining.

And they thought I could just get over it. As if.

3 comments:

  1. Ah, Myst, I am so sorry. ((Hugs))

    I hate those days too. Those who told us we would get over it are so very wrong!!

    I hate knowing you are going through they "why" of all of this. I understand those emotions and how they can take their toll on your self esteem and your belief in raising your other children. It is so wrong and so unfair to put anyone woman in this situation.

    Amber DID NOT need to be adopted. That is the very real truth. The only need that was fulfillfed was her aparents need for a child to call their own. That was all! And to achieve this need you were beat up and put down until you doubted your own worth as a woman and a mother. It was so very wrong. And you now live with these days to haunt you when you don't in any way deserve them.

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  2. Dearest Myst,
    "...brainwashed so effectively..."

    so accurate
    so very appaling

    I am so very sorry your are hurting so much - and how much more it hurts to realize it was unnecessary to lose your lovely daughter. That your youngest daughter has lost a sister.

    adoption is so twisted

    I am sorry you have been maimed by it's trap ... sigh

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  3. It never really went away for me either. I was allowed to keep my older daughter but not the baby. I could never resolve this in my head. When i signed her up for school or rec programs or we moved to a new house i would catch myself thinking of my youngest and how she would like it too. Just because the cruel world wants to strip of us of our children - it does not stop the heart from knowing and feeling the truth. You WERE And ARE good enough and deserving of your daughter. What was done to mothers like us is a tragedy.

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