One little question. Harmless. Pretty normal. But this one little question can also be a loaded question, one full of misery.
Someone asked me this question at work the other day. I have become well practiced at clenching my back teeth and not blinking an eye while responding with "I have two children" LIAR! IT'S A LIE! the inner voice inside my head screams whilst I proceed to tell the asker of question their ages. BUT YOU HAVE 3 CHILDREN, NOT 2 the voice is furious now. It hates the Lie. And the Lie has become so frequent of late.
There was a time I dared to tell the truth and include my lost daughter in that count but it became harder to disguise the truth and so the Lie came out and it has stayed.
But not without a Price. The voice doesn't let up and the guilt creeps in. How does a Mother deny her own child? How can anyone possibly understand how a small question can lead to days of feeling so guilty and as if I have betrayed my daughter? Yet another example of the distress adoption plays in my daily life... a simple answer can turn into so much heartache.
I hate denying her. Usually I try not to but few people would understand the truth or care to hear the full story. To tell a stranger my deepest pain would be like allowing them to reach in and hold the handle of the dagger that is so deeply embedded in my heart. Allowing them this far allows them to turn that dagger and my already so badly wounded heart bleeds anew. There is only so many times one can fix a hole.
So here, where anyone who reads can see... the truth to the answer in the title is: I have THREE beautiful children. I have two amazing daughters and one gorgeous son. And I love all three so very, very much. They are all part of me, part of who I am and part of my family. Just because one does not share my home in the physical sense does not mean she is not with me. She is thought of EVERY day, often and spoken of daily. She is not a secret within her family. And we wait, I wait until the day she takes her rightful place here, within her family where she was always meant to be...