16 April 2009


So I have a life outside of adoption.

Today was a glorious sunny Autumn day. The sky was a bright, beautiful blue. The sun warm but not to hot. Everything was just gorgeous. I love this time of year. Last year, it was exactly the same. I can recall packing up Noodle and Dude (who was only a few months old) and taking them to our local park where we would lie in the shade of the trees and look through the branches at the beautiful clear blue sky. Noodle would run and laugh while tossing her ball around and I would tickle Dude and stare into his eyes, just wondering what it was like to be so small again.

Today reminded me of this. We packed up and took off to the park this afternoon and it was just nice to be outside... in the warm.

I haven't really said much about my other two children in my blog because it is mostly about A, but they are as much a part of my life as she is... and vice versa.

Noodle is 5 and has a beautiful nature. We often get stopped as people want to talk to her. She has a zest for life that stands out a mile compared to other children of her age. She is not a quiet one. She embraces everyone and everything she encounters; she expresses every emotion in an animated way. We often get asked if we have considered acting classes... but I am not one to push, I want her to explore what she wants to do for herself because she wants to do it, not because she is pushed into it. She has a compassionate nature and gets genuinely upset about people who are not as forunate as her. Noodle is my first child since I lost A.

Dude is 18 months. Completely different to his sister in that he is quieter in some ways, yet he too embraces life and is just gorgeous. He is not yet talking much but has the most beautiful way of communicating with his hands. He also loves to sing!

I feel blessed. I AM blessed.

Sometimes, I like to break away from all the pain and anguish I feel and concentrate on the amazing people in my life. I am fortunate to have my husband and children, my parents, my extended family, my friends. Life is not always terrible. Sometimes, I need to remember to give myself permission to enjoy what I have. And to share this with others.

These are my blessings...


  1. I struggle to remember and make a conscious effort not to allow the loss of my son permeate every aspect of my being. I want to enjoy the precious moments that my daughter and I share each day, I want to enjoy a warm spring day as it was hear yesterday. I want to enjoy quiet moments in the early evening when the world seems to stand still. I do,I really do. But somehow, all the things in life that should bring me absolute joy, seem only bittersweet because they do not include my sweet boy. And maybe that is just the way it is supposed to be for me. Despite the fact I absolutely LONG for a true moment of unadulterated BLISS!!
    Maybe one day, I will find it again, but after almost 20 years without him I wonder too if I would even recognize the emotion if I was permitted to feel it.

    Be Well Friend,

  2. (((Hugs Denise)))

    I understand, I really do understand how difficult it is and can be to focus on the positive aspects of life as the negative is so very, very painful and as you say, it permeates all aspects.

    However, so my children have something positive to remember of me as their mother, I am really making a concerted effort to show them my happy side. Most people don't even know this side of me exists in the outside world. I come across as a bubby, friendly and happy person, which I am alot of the time. But, when I have any quiet moments, and I think of Amber, the pain is difficult to block out.

    I hang onto the positives. They get me through when the pain feels like it would take me away.

    Love and hugs to you Denise. I am so sorry you have been so hurt by everything and I hope your son comes back sooner rather than later.

    Take care,
    Myst xxx

  3. Thank you Myst, I hope so too. All day long every day, I hope.



Comments are on. Polite, respectful discussion is welcome. Abuse will not be tolerated. Thanks :)