10 May 2009

Beloved

The following post contains the lyrics of the song I have listened to most during my past 11 agonising years. It portrays who and what I am to my daughter.... merely a ghost...

BELOVED - Wendy Matthews

Here I am, I'm right here
Oh I wish you could feel me
Standing so close
I'm right beside you dear

I fly around this old man house
I float through our walls
I scream and I call
While I watch you without me

All I feel, all I am now
Is this love I have for you
Each night it's you
You I lay beside

Close my eyes, never to sleep
I tell you all the things I should have said
But you'll never know

How could I act such a part
As to love the one who breaks my heart
I had to go...

So put your hands here round my waist
Though you cannot feel my touch dear
And dance with me as you did before

I'm bound forever to this house
I can never go beyond that door
I dance alone

So when you think of me, smile
It's the only way that I can see
That you still care for me

Close my eyes, never to sleep
I tell you all the things I should have said
But you'll never know

How could I act such a part
As to love the one who breaks my heart
I had to go

Here I am, I'm right here
How I wish you could see me dear
Oh my dear...


Earlier this week I had to painfully recount the sordid details of my story and it has really hurt. To top this off, I have read some of the most ignorant and sick comments by adoptive parents who actually think it is okay and right to coerce a young mother to place as only two parents are okay.

What a warped view. Truly warped. There are mothers that are actually better than married mothers; wearing a gold band on one's finger does NOT make you into a mother and the sense of entitlement oozing from these people is purely revolting.

Like I needed another reason to want the end of adoption. How can they truly LOVE the child they are adopting when the view of the child's mother, whom the child is from, is one of feeling superior and that she wasn't deserving of HER OWN CHILD?

Everywhere I read about adoption being all about building a family and love. What the? How can causing destruction, devastation, everlasting pain, agony, torment and a myriad of other emotions possibly be about love and building one's family?

Why does one family have to be torn apart to satisfy the forming of another's family? How can treading on a struggling young woman, preying on her in her time of need, causing her to doubt her self to the point she will question herself for the REST OF HER LIFE be about love?

It isn't and it can NEVER be about love. All it is, is about the sick need to fulfil one's desire to have what they want. To 'keep up with the Jones'. Goes like this: Husband: check. House: check. Career: check. Child: "... um well we can't have one... lets adopt! We can pretend the child is our own, heck we even get a birth certificate saying they are, just like playing with our freshly purchased Cabbage Patch kids from the toy store when we were kids. Shouldn't be a problem and then we will be the same as XYZ..." Its enough to make you want to vomit all over them.

And you know what? When you have been devoured, chewed up and spat up by these people who love you when you have the goods they want and then hate you once the legalities are done with, when they hear you speak up, they are the first to make sure they try to trample on you again, try to make you feel like that vulnerable woman who they abused.

They don't want the truth, they don't want to be educated as they love living in their darkness. Shine the big old torch of truth on them and you will see their true colours. This reminds me of the dwarfs in the final book in the series by C.S. Lewis, "The Last Battle". All they care about is themselves, they refuse to see the light or the truth. And they will attack and fight anyone who stands against what they want. In the same way, the adoption agencies, some prospective adoptive parents and adoptive parents, social workers and those with a vested interest in adoption remaining the status quo will fight against anyone who challenges the view they like to convey to the world about adoption; that it is a beautiful (translation: rainbows, fairies, fantasy, anything but reality) way to form a family. Challenge this and you will be trodden down, abused, have derogatory names made about you even if you are calm, have more logic and intellect than they. In short, they will throw one big tantrum with devastating effects. Sadly, because their view is still popular opinion, it makes it all the harder to fight the good fight and get the truth out there.

I will end this here. Because of the likes of people mentioned above, my child and I live in separate homes. We live separate lives. We go separate ways every day. We are ghosts to each other... and that is the biggest crime and heartbreak of all.

2 comments:

  1. I have no words for you today Myst, you have said all I feel. I will instead send you love and hugs and hope for a day that we will both have our beloved children in our arms and homes again.

    Luv,
    Denise

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  2. **Because of the likes of people mentioned above, my child and I live in separate homes. We live separate lives. We go separate ways every day. We are ghosts to each other... and that is the biggest crime and heartbreak of all.**

    This is it Myst. You hit it right on with this statement. So many of them are so ugly, so cruel when the come across a mother who has lost her child in the worst of ways. They spew their venom and attack with absolutely no feelings except contempt.

    And every punch hits harder, hits in that tender, vulnerable spot of knowing these are the people who feed the reason why we lost our child. It was their "need" their "desire" to parent that we became prey. And, so often, once they have the child they want, they shine their true colors and then must attack the mother's who lost, to keep themselves on top, to remind us so often that we are "below" them because they were supposively fit to parent when the world told us we weren't.

    I hate this part about adoption. I hate the hurt. The attacks. And I am so sorry you are suffering now. My greatest wish is none of us would ever know the pain of losing our children!

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