21 June 2009

The Case Against Adoption: Part 3: Alternatives to Adoption

As promised in my last post in this series, I am following it up with what I feel are sufficient alternatives to adoption.

Before I begin, I want to say I do get there are needs in our world to provide homes for children that are stable because a child has suffered abuse of all sorts, been orphaned, in some cases abandoned or for whatever other reason not mentioned, removed from their parents care. It saddens me to see and hear about these cases. Not because of the separation necessarily but because of what led to this separation. I feel in these cases, children have lost twice over. First, they have lost the normal relationship between a child and their parent. They have been hurt, abused or neglected. This has then become so bad they have then lost their family... but their whole family, not just their parents. Sometimes they are separated from siblings so they lose this relationship, the loss of grandparents they might have known. It is a huge tragedy and I grieve for these innocent little souls who have had to grow up so quickly; in such a cruel and hurtful way.

I acknowledge there are fabulous people in our world with an amazing capacity to love and nurture children who are not theirs biologically. I have had the privilege to meet a handful of these people and it is heart warming to know there are people like this in our world of pain, evil and greed. These are not the sort of people who need titles, recognition of being the only parents who matter etc. These are the people who know what love really and honestly means and will give without expecting in return.

These are the kind of people this world needs more of. These are the kind of people children like those I mentioned above need.

So what does this have to do with adoption? Over the past 11 years since I have been unwillingly submerged in the world of adoption where I have lived, breathed, tasted it every single day, I have learnt one major thing: Adoption is not, has never been and can never be, about love. Love for a child does not need a title. We can nurture without one. Love doesn’t need to eradicate a child’s past or dismiss a child’s heritage to care for a child. We can only truly love a child if we learn to accept and love a child’s family... with all their faults.

If adoption was non-existent, what could we place in its stead? How could we see children are given what they need? How could we see a child be kept in a stable environment? I don’t have complete answers but what I do have are ideas and alternatives that I believe could work, if we all bothered to step outside our cosy little boxes and saw past our adult needs and into the eyes of the child who needs us to be responsible, mature and there for THEM in THEIR time of need.


This already exists in today’s law. It is when a parent relinquishes custody but not parental rights and they still get varying amounts of contact and say in their child’s life. I am only going off what I know about guardianship in my country so if you want to know for sure the ins and outs in your own, contact a lawyer for more details.

This option I think needs to be changed a little. If I was to be a child’s guardian, I would want to make sure I did have custody and from what I understand currently, custody is always able to be challenged. I like this option because there is no guillotine to a child’s previous life and the parent gets a say in their child’s life. I would promote this option in cases where it would be possible for a child to return to their parents.

Foster Care

Currently this is an overworked system with not enough carers. There seems to be much competition between some carers and parents which I feel needs to be worked on. If a child is in care for any reason, where possible, parents and carers need to work together to do what is best for the child. This means taking special steps to recognise each situation is unique and not applying a generalised ‘solution’ i.e. one size fits all kind of mentality.,

Permanent Care
Out of all actual current legal alternatives to adoption, this one appears to be the best. Apparently it is also only available in Australia at this time but is a step in the right direction. It is for children who have been permanently removed from their parent’s care and there is no option for them to return due to mental health issues, abuse, neglect and other issues. From what I understand and I am not totally clear on this but the child is not adopted therefore does not have a new birth certificate issued and the order expires once the child reaches 18. This is a brilliant step in the right direction as it recognises children need permanency without the need to wipe out their past, name, identity and family of birth.

My Alternative
Personally, I would like to see the removal of all adoption agencies. Take the money making out of the equation. Profit should NEVER be made from a person’s pain and suffering and usually right from the start there are two people suffering: mother and baby. To make money off what is happening to them is cruel.

Women facing crisis pregnancies should be counselled about their options; and parenting should be their FIRST option, not the last as it is currently presented. If they are struggling, they need to be given support, ways to combat their struggles and not manipulators who want to benefit from their struggles. We sponsor children we don't know in other countries to be given basic needs (and in some cases they get those needs met in others the only way of knowing is by going to see for yourelf) so why can't we sponsor a mother and her child in our own country to stay together? A way for her to have a future?

If, right at the very end, once they had baby and are convinced they cannot parent then wider family is the first option before permanent care options are sought. Whilst permanent care orders are currently not voluntary from a parent’s perspective, in the small number of cases where a child is sadly unwanted, then there needs to be an option for a child to go to a family who wants to love a child without removing from them their past.

I think we need to start with the prevention of crisis pregnancies... more information in schools of how to protect themselves and what to do once it happens. There is still a huge stigma attached to teen pregnancies... I have seen it firsthand. There is an assumption that once you have a child, your life has ended. This needs to be changed and facts put in place to dispel the myths, even the cold hard facts. I am not talking about glamming-up single parenthood... but I don't feel demonising it helps either.

In stuations where a child goes into care, a child would be issued with only one birth certificate; the one with all their natural parents details. Names given at birth would be kept and only changed should the CHILD desire it. Where possible, visits would be set up according to each situation; and the parents would have a varying degree of input in the child’s life where it BENEFITS the CHILD. All paperwork issued would recognise the previous life and natural family of a child whist also giving recognition to the guardians and carers of the child.

At the end of the day though, I would like to see more people parenting; more families rallying together to support their family member in need. Any care options should be reserved for children who are in true dire need. We need to inform people; arm them with knowledge to help them live their lives in the best possible way without causing hurt in another's life. The world as a whole needs to embrace their fellow human being and instead of being in the wings waiting for them to trip up, step up and be actively supportive. We need to identify those who are in trouble early on, to help, wherever possible, prevent the issues that lead to foster and permanent care. I have noticed a trend of people saying they don't want to become involved so they sit back and do nothing. People appear to be content to watch their fellow human beings suffer instead. This needs to change. Heroes today are defined when people do normal human things like stepping in to assist rather than standing back. If normal reactions are so extraordinary today, it shows how far we have sunk as a human race.

Of course not all alternatives are fool proof and not all situations would work perfectly... but any system that is wide open, that is completely honest and built on a foundation completely dedicated to doing what is really best for the child has to be better than what we currently have in adoption. You just cannot have a bright prospect for an institution that is solely purpose built for an adults need when you are dealing with children and family separation. It can’t work. History shows us it hasn’t. And won’t.

So whilst some may think these alternatives are idealistic, simplistic etc, I have yet to see anyone else trying to put together an alternative. I have yet to see anyone put forward a new picture, a new idea to stop the pain and suffering that occurs every day an adoption takes place. Maybe my solutions are not the best... but at least I am willing to stick my neck out and try. I am not happy to sit with the status quo. It is said that all that is needed for evil to prosper in this world is for good people to stay silent. I will not be silent. And if all of us out there advocating for a better world, a happier place for our children and the children of tomorrow, then we would all be trying harder to come up with ideas. You can call me idealistic and unrealistic. But what can you offer? Anything?

From an early age, children have fascinated me. That is why I went into early childhood education. They are our future. And this is how we have thus far treated them... by ripping them from their families. Any wonder our world is so screwed up?

Useful links:

Permanent Care

More permanent care info

Foster Care in Australia

11 June 2009

The ongoing legacy of adoption: PAIN

It has been three weeks since I have been on my blog and posted anything. In that time I have drafted in my head and on my laptop the next instalment to my series against adoption. But I don't feel quite ready to post it yet.

Because there are other things I need to say. Different yet still important issues that need to be highlighted.

In the past three weeks, things here at home have been hard with our eldest daughter Noodle (my second daughter). She has been going through a difficult time and we now have to seek help for her. Some of it is related to the fact she is supposedly in the group of gifted and talented; how we are not quite sure as yet because she is yet to be tested but she is most certainly there as we keep being told by anyone who meets her, her school etc. (Follow up note 2011: we did seek help; guy said she was fine - some exaggeration by the school as to what her difficulties were and she was just expressing herself in a different way. Still haven't tested as we now think she is not "gifted" in the label sense but she is apparently very bright.)

But the other difficulty, the private pain she lives with and does not understand is the monster of adoption. My beautiful girl is also being effected by its cruel tentacles and I want people to see how damaging the effects can be on the INNOCENT lives of those who were not even present at the time of an adoption taking place.

It started when I was pregnant with her. I was ecstatic. Over the moon. And then Fear became my best friend. A crippling, illogical fear that haunted me every moment of every day. Fear first visited me in my first 12 weeks. Paranoia would grip me wih every spot of blood, every twinge or cramp. I'm not talking about the normal fear every pregnant woman goes through either. I am talking about full on panic attacks which would have me sobbing all day about the impending loss I believed was about to happen. I got through that stage. During the second trimester my nightmares began. Nightmares with my first child trying to murder my newborn baby; nightmares about my first born's adopters taking me to court to take her away. During the day I KNEW there was no way it could actually happen... but it had happened bfore despite I had been proven as a fit mother so why couldn't it happen again? By the third timester, I was convinced somehow, I was going to lose my precious baby. By now I was rational enough to know my eldest daughter's adopters could not take her from me so I had convinced myself one of us would die, during delivery. And I thought that would be me. I picked out my funeral song and started writing letters for my child so she would know me.

My labour was quick and she was born bruised all over her head due to her quick delivery. My first words as she engtered the world were 'is she alive, oh my god she's dead' as she started crying. When they laid her in my arms I was overwhelmed. Over the next six months I was in a state of panic. I never slept at night, rather I sat in my bed with her crib beside me and my hand was always on her chest. If I drifted off I would wake fully expecting to see her blue and dead. At six months I was diagnosed with Post Natal Depression, Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (this was the 4th time I had been dagnosed with PTSD). I didn't believe I was a safe mother and told the psych team I hadn't bonded with her to which they replied I was more bonded to her than anyone could ever be bonded.

Now, now it is apparent, as Thomas Verny states in his book "Secret Life of the Unborn Child" how much of the emotional trauma I suffered whilst pregnant with her has transmitted through the placenta and hooked deep into her core. Her teachers at school remark she acts as if she is the victim of a great trauma and yet she has had a blessed childhood.

But, yes, she IS the victim of a great trauma... because her mother and sister were and are: ADOPTION. Six years before her birth events unfolded I had no idea would have a continuing effect on any further children I bought into this world. Six years ago, the person I was, had been, was taken away, never to return. The confident, easy going, child loving person I was died and in my place a fearful, doubting and timid woman was born.

Noodle talks incessantly about her older sister. Asks when we are going to see her, why we can't have her stay. She has been told only bare minimum facts about adoption and yet she hates it with a passion. If we see a Policeman, I have to do everyting I can to prevent her from going up to him and asking him to return her sister to us. And then, there are the nightmares. The nightmares she had EVERY single night for the first 3 years about someone stealing her from me - and before she even knew Amber existed.

This is just a tiny portion of Adoption's legacy. I have opened a little of my world to show you the damaging effects it has on future siblings and children. Yes, my daughter is more intuitive than some and her intellectual ability to understand concepts beyond her peers puts her at a higher risk for mental health issues. But mostly, the pain I suffered has passed on to her and that is wrong, unfair and downright cruel. She wasn't even born yet when all this took place, she never had a part in it but by the very fact she was born to me and is my firstborn's sister, she is also made to suffer. How can anyone think this is okay? How can anyone feel adoption is right when it reverberates its poison through generations?

People are truly sick. Adoption is child abuse... and the fact this has not yet been identified is more proof how sick our society has become. Children are people too, with rights, feelings, personalities they are born with. They are NOT blank slates and to write them off this way is to further abuse them and disrespect them.

So now, two of my daughters and I daresay the same for my son, have been grasped by the cruel, far reaching tentacles of adoption. If only I could saw, hack, those tentacles off and kill the Beast as it deserves before more innocent victims fall prey to its unending, unsatisfiable hunger. How many more need to suffer before we end this pain? How much longer must I watch my beautiful children be tortured by pain that should never have been placed on their tender shoulders to begin with?

It is torture knowing my little girl suffers because of adoption. I have seen the pain spread throughout my whole family but seeing Noodle so devastated by a loss that cannot be fully explained, a loss that has no logic to it, is truly heartbreaking.

My little girl, this innocent little life who should be carefree and not be afraid to go to bed at night... Isn't it enough Amber suffers daily? But no, it wouldn't be adoption without ensuring there are more casualties along the way...

... and they said I could go on and have more babies and it would be all forgotten...