23 November 2009

Slice, Cut, Stab... the warmth of blood, an indication my heart is still beating.

Why can’t I feel it?

Cold, so cold inside... yet I can feel the pain creeping up into every fibre of my being.

I wish I could turn these feelings off, shove them into the bottom of a drawer, turn the key and never revisit.

But... there is no way to flick the switch on this. It comes unexpectantly whenever it chooses. And I cannot stop the overwhelming desire to curl up in a ball and stay hidden away from the world.

09 November 2009

Adoption and hypocrisy

It strikes me adoption is on a ledge all of its own. It contradicts Nature and our whole way of life and yet we, as a society embrace adoption without question.

For a while now, I have felt adoption is completely hypocritical.

In situations where “usual” emotions are applied and expected, with adoption, these normal reactions are completely disregarded and not only that, they are ridiculed.

For example, a baby whose mother dies at birth or a person who loses their parents in infancy is allowed to be given support for this loss. When they are older and should they act out, excuses are made for their behaviours such as "well she never knew her parents you know, they died when she was just a baby" or "its to be expected when one loses their parents so young".

How many times have I heard stories on the news where a child has lost one or both parents and the reaction from the community is an outpouring of grief and support. However, when an infant loses his mother through adoption everything changes. He/she is expected to be grateful and this means accepting their adoption without hesitation. They are not respected as the baby who loses their mother through death is. No, instead of excuses, if this adoptee grows up and dares to speak out against adoption and their feelings of being adopted, they are labelled angry, ungrateful and bitter. Even babies whose mothers die are still given care by either a family relative or some other carer but their grief at losing their mother is not labelled anything else other than what it is: heartbreak at losing one's world. Do Adoptees receive the support, love and understanding the other child gets? No, and yet they should for their loss is exactly the same.

There is no difference to the little baby in the way a mother is lost. To a tiny person who has known no one but his or her mother for the length of pregnancy and however long they were able to spend with her outside the womb, losing their world is still traumatising. But why does society give those babies whose mothers or parents die more respect? Why are they allowed to mourn their loss and an adoptee is not? Adoptees are people...they are the same as every individual on the face of this earth and yet they are discriminated against in so many ways. It is hypocritical to say the very least.

Then there are mothers who say and claim they lost their babies to adoption, as I did. Yet, are told we did not lose our babies. We are told, even if our babies were taken from us through government agencies, lawyers, dodgy practises or wrongfully removed by child services, that it was our choice.

Does a mother choose for her child to be kidnapped? No, of course she doesn’t and she is given support and permission to grieve her loss. Mothers, like myself, who lost their child against their will, are shunned by society. We are told it was our choice or our fault. We are told to take responsibility for our choices and not to blame anyone else because it is convenient. Yet mothers who are victims of kidnappers and even mothers who lose their children in death are not treated thus. We have no services to assist us with our grief and it is not even recognised as a need. When our babies are taken, we are literally kicked to the curb to rot. No one wants to know about us or that we even exist after that moment.

Adoption taints everything it touches. It skews the way life is perceived. In every normal situation, a baby and mother are expected to stay together. As soon as adoption is whispered near a pregnant woman who may or may not be in an unplanned situation, all of a sudden, she becomes a villain if she decides to do what nature intended her to do... keep and raise her child herself. She is torn down, mocked, scorned, told she is ruining her child’s life, she is selfish, her child was not intended for her. All because she was doing what she is supposed to do. And she receives this treatment courtesy of adoption and its thugs.

Mothers who dare to speak up about their grief and speak out against adoption, are labelled bitter and angry. We are not accorded the same respect as a normal human being; our grief is scorned and we are branded with a scarlet letter all for the sake of giving birth and wanting to keep our own children. We are not even given our correct title of "mother" something even women who have suffered the loss of a child get to hold onto (and rightly so). How hypocritical can society get?

Somehow, mothers who lose their children to adoption are cold, unfeeling and heartless. I cannot count the number of times I have been told by other women they could not cope if they parted with their babies. That it would destroy them, they wouldn't be able to live. So, because I get out of bed each day and survive, somehow I am a cold, unfeeling bitch? Who says I cope? I still have days when the world feel like it will cave in on me but in this world to which I have been cast, I have no choice. It is either die or survive here and I choose to survive. That does not mean I love my daughter less and I am so over that insinuation.

Imagine if a mother whose child was killed or kidnapped was treated in this way? Or a child who lost their parents? The outcry would be enormous yet this behaviour, this cruelty is what many of us mothers and adoptees face EVERY SINGLE DAY.

The hypocrisy in adoption is shameful. It is an excuse to treat another human being as a sewer rat. It is the same lack of respect rapists and murderers accord their victims: N.O.N.E.

I will not be quiet about this crime against me and my child. Label me bitter and angry, that doesn’t mean you are right. It is easy to box someone who makes you feel uncomfortable and that is what society does with mothers and adoptees who do not do what they are apparently supposed to do and that is stay quiet about what their feelings are of what was done to them.

It is time to challenge every thread that holds adoption together and show how rotten it really is. Ignorant, hypocritical, cruel and criminal. We as humans have a responsibility to each other to rid systems and institutions that cause more harm than good. Again, hypocritically, adoption has been not only allowed to stay, but it has been encouraged and pushed because without it, many would not get what they desire.

Adoption embodies the spirit of hypocrisy and this needs to be eradicated.