21 November 2010

New Zealand and adoption

A while ago now I blogged about the New Zealand Adoption Act 1955.

Since this post, I still encounter people and organisations who refuse to see the truth regarding this Act and whilst actively promoting this institution of loss (aka adoption), they are also actively misleading unsuspecting expectant mothers and others about the truth of OPEN adoption and how it works in New Zealand.

As in the USA, New Zealand purports to practice open adoption. However, also like the USA, this is all a falsehood given our laws do NOT support this. It is merely a method to encourage more mothers to hand over their children. You see, the law itself is governed, dictated if you like, by the Adoption Act. This Act as I have already posted is from 1955 which was during the peak era of adoption; as in the days they literally stole children from their mothers to fulfill the demand for babies and to punish the mothers for daring to be, well, a normal human being!

Since this era, this Act has not changed. For the sake of repeating myself , I will give you the run down of what this really means.

Adoptions in New Zealand are legally closed. There is no legal framework in this country to support an open system. In fact, as far as the law is concerned, adoption is practically the same now as it was 55 years ago! The term "open" adoption is merely just that; a term. To enter into an open adoption agreement, the two parties discuss what they would like i.e. visits, letters, photos etc and then the parties sign a piece of paper which outlines this discussion and it is placed on the Social Department's file for that case. And you know what? It means absolutely nothing. It carries no weight. When the adopters have claimed the child and decide they don't want to honour their verbal agreement and empty promises, there is nothing in the Law to prevent them from completely closing the adoption. I know this because it happened to me when I first lost my child and I have heard from other mothers who this has happened to.

I recently contacted a certain pro-adoption website based in (Christchurch) New Zealand regarding the information they have on their website about Open Adoptions, alerting them to the fact their information is indeed incorrect. They seem to believe that because they "know" some people who have "successful" "open" adoptions then open adoption is alive and well. Not true. They seem to feel they can speak for the law. Again, not true. An article in the "Sunday Star Times" a couple of months ago also claimed New Zealand has moved with the times in terms of adoption; that it has embraced 'openness' and moved away from the closed system.

Again though, while it might sound good on paper, this is again just 'wishful' thinking. These people who continually claim New Zealand's adoption system operates with a scheme that is not legal are dangerous.

If you are a mother facing an unplanned pregnancy in New Zealand and you are exploring your options please do not be fooled by wolves dressed in sheep's clothing. As a young, scared and vulnerable mother, I approached a woman in a crisis pregnancy centre for help. At this point, I wanted and intended to raise my baby, as is natural. Adoption had not entered my head. This so called counsellor was the first to suggest adoption to me. But she did not stop there. An adopter herself, her agenda became clear after the damage had been done. She started on me with threats of losing my daughter very early in the piece; in fact barely days after I discovered I was pregnant and facing anger from my family, in the middle of a real crisis, I turned to her for help. I was terrified. And she saw this as an opportunity to pounce and work me over.

If you are wondering what your options are, my suggestion is first look at raising your child. If you do decide to go the route of adoption (which from your child's point of view is probably not in his/her best interests unless you are an abusive drug addicted person which means you wouldn't be thinking about this clearly), please be aware that until our Act changes to be updated with current 'views', open adoption does not actually exist in New Zealand. Yes, sure you will be told it does and my warnings will be dismissed however, please be aware that legally, you do not have the right to have contact with your child, the child you carried and loved, once the adoption is done. Actually, the minute you sign a consent form, your child will be as if you had never known him or her. Adoption is a legal guillotine that severs you from your child and your child from you. There is no revocation period in New Zealand law. And if you are coerced into signing that piece of paper which is very possible given certain agendas, it will be sadly, your tough luck. Because the law relies on the Act at the end of the day despite the knowledge that adoption is not in a child's best interests OR welfare.

Your child's birth certificate, the one they are born with, will be locked away and a new one will be penned listing the adopters as YOUR child's original parents; as if THEY had given birth to them. From now on, in the eyes of the law, you will be a stranger to him or her. Adoption brutally strips all past, history and identity from a person. These are the facts you will not be told. The facts no one wants you to know.

Adoption is not a fairy tale. It is not a happy ever after story. It is a manipulation of nature. Nature did not create adoption. It is an institution created by man to get what he wanted. Some misinformed people think that because adoption was practiced in ancient days this makes it okay. This has to be some of the dumbest logic around because slavery was also practiced in ancient times and this was eventually outlawed relatively recently. So no, just because the ancient civilisations practiced a form of adoption (not even the current barbaric form of infant adoption) does not mean it is natural or valid. It is just something they did.

Adoption is wrong. Really. Who in their right mind can seriously be okay with CAUSING loss and trauma? Who can be okay with the act of severing a child from their family tree? Adoption today has become such a huge industry and an entitlement in the minds of society that there has been a massive disconnect from morals and good values of preserving families. Indeed, there are those in adoption who feel they shouldn't help preserve families and are not interested in altruism at all. They happily wait for the collapse of families and eagerly take children with open arms with very little thought, if any for the families this child actually comes from.

Adoption is a lie. It seeks to create a falsehood out of a person's life by stating they are born to strangers. Sure, these people are not strangers as the child grows but it doesn't change the fact that those adopting really are nothing but strangers. While illusions of grandeur run rampant in a PAP's mind about how they always knew this would be "their" child and how this child "grew" in their heart (a biological impossibility and quite frankly, ridiculous), this baby is thinking "who the hell are you and where is my mummy?"

So please, do not be fooled by the lovey dovey videos placed on certain websites about how adopters and first families can be one big happy family. That this is not a loss but a chance for your child to have this that and the other. This is a fallacy as I have heard many adopters state they never wanted an extended family, just a child. Adopters don't really care about YOU, they just want your baby.

All your child needs is their mother to stand up and take responsibility for her life. Your child doesn't need a flash house, car, toys. Millions of children the world over do just fine without those things. They are a materialistic desire. Plenty of mothers continue to study, work, travel as a single mother. Yes, it is hard but so what? Life IS hard. And if you think handing your baby over to strangers makes it any easier, please, that is just another pandora's box and a whole lot of hard on a totally different plain.

So now you know the hard facts, the ones those in government agencies and organisations/counselling centres will not give you. Sure, this might seem awful and harsh but I wish someone had laid this all out for me when I was pregnant. I wish someone had pulled me up, slapped me and brought me out of the brainwashed induced fog I was in and told me I could do it. That I wasn't selfish for wanting to raise my child; that loving my child did not equate with abandoning her. But I was not that lucky. I do not want to see more stories like mine and it hurts to see more women being lied to about a system that does not exist.

New Zealand operates under a barbaric act. True, it is merely a law but it is a law with no thought for a mother and her child. It is engineered entirely to get children adopted, for the sake of those adopting. The child and the mother are not relevant to this act. We don't need JUST a change in our Act, we need an Inquiry into all the practises this Act has allowed. We need redress to all the families who have been maimed by this ancient legislation. If New Zealand really wants to move with the times then an Inquiry will be called and from that, a new Act, if any at all, can be borne.

20 November 2010

Mothers really are at the bottom of the trash heap...

Earlier today I read a comment on another blog that has really unhinged me. And the support it has received I think has upset me more.

The fact any PAP or adopter can compare themselves to a person in need of a heart transplant to me, is one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard. And to be seen as similar to these people who feel so entitled to another woman's child infuriates me.

People who need a heart transplant are very ill people (um... stating the bleeding obvious here). If they do not receive a heart, an organ, they will die. In order to get one, yes, they first must wait for people to die (again, the obvious). But in the meantime they could very likely die waiting for one. I understand that a patient's need for a heart means someone else must first die and then another family will suffer loss however this NEED for a transplant is far different to the 'need' of someone to adopt. In fact people do not NEED to adopt. They WANT to adopt. BIG difference. The desire to adopt will not lead to a life and death situation for those who are wanting a child.

The entitlement people feel to other people's children is incredibly sickening. The idea that any PAP or adopter out there is as worthy of receiving a child as a waiting transplant patient is of receiving an organ to help them LIVE is so very unbelievable it would be laughable if I hadn't just read this. It is a bold slap in the face to a mother and her child wrenched apart and it is basically saying to a mother "well we needed a child more than you WANTED YOUR child" WTHeck?? Seriously. WTHell is this world coming to?

I am seeing a concerning pattern emerging of late that sees any adopter show any glimpse of weak understanding towards a mother and her loss and then BAM! suddenly their thoughts and feelings are MORE important, MORE valued than anyone elses.

Its like losing Amber all over again. Our needs... my daughters need to be with me, my need to be with her as Nature and Survival created, thrown out with the trash and superseded by others.

I am thrilled there are adoptive parents out there coming on board, opening their hearts up to the truth of adoption and seeing what really lurks under all the media hype and lies. Truly, I am thrilled. It is a start... but I would not be in this place I am today if it wasn't for adoptive parents wanting MY child. I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for a judgement from others that they could parent MY child better just because of a stupid metal band around their finger. My daughter would be here with me and HER FAMILY right now if it hadn't been for adopters TAKING her from me. And I am not the only one in this situation.

The only way for adopters/Paps etc to really 'get' the truth about adoption is NOT to adopt. Lately I have read blogs of people who have claimed they now understand both sides of adoption and the atrocities in adoption and it has confirmed their resolve to adopt AGAIN. They DON'T get it. Really. Because if they did, they wouldn't adopt!

I am sick of walking on tip toes. Sick of trying to be positive about something that is as destructive as a bullet in my skull or a knife embedded in my heart. That is what the rest of society wants and needs in order to tell themselves it is okay to hurt more women and children. Well, screw you. I am not playing your game anymore. Adoption hurt (putting it rather mildly) me. It hurt my children. And there is no healing from a wound that never stops bleeding so enough of the healing chatter and the happy dappy lets be positive crap. Adoption hurts. Don't like reading that? Tough. Its the truth and I am tired of walking on egg shells for people who just don't want to SEE it for themselves.

12 November 2010

On with the Show

"The Show Must Go On" - Queen

Empty spaces - what are we living for?
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score..
On and on!
Does anybody know what we are looking for?

Another hero - another mindless crime.
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime.
Hold the line!
Does anybody want to take it anymore?

The Show must go on!
The Show must go on! Yeah!
Inside my heart is breaking,
My make-up may be flaking,
But my smile, still, stays on!

Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance.
Another heartache - another failed romance.
On and on...
Does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess i'm learning
I must be warmer now..
I'll soon be turning, round the corner now.
Outside the dawn is breaking,
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free!

How true the words of this song are. I understand all to well the lines of the chorus... because I live this every day as I wake up.

Being a mother of loss is no easy task. It is not simply something one can box and forget. Rather, it is something that haunts your every cell, fibre, breath of your body. You have no control over when the loss will bloom to full velocity, or when you will have a bad day. It will just happen. Triggers can be anything or nothing. Because it can just HAPPEN. Because it is part of you now. This loss, this void that can never be filled.

This loss screams at you; sometimes never ending, other times you can be lucky enough to drown it out by keeping busy. But it never stops screaming. In your sleep, it is inescapable. Dreams, flash backs, memories... at anytime whenever they choose.

But no one in your every day life would know. Like in the chorus of this song, our hearts are breaking, our "make-up" may be flaking but our smiles betray nothing. No one would know about our secret mutant wounds, bleeding freshly, never having the chance to heal over for more than a day before it is torn open again.

But our "show", as mothers of loss, continues. We have jobs, many of us have families, we are involved in the community. We do not look any different from the next woman. No one would notice the gaping hole in our middles on the outside. We have learned to hide them well, for the sake of society. We have learned to keep our smiles fixed to our faces. For the sake of the Show. The Show of Adoption.

Why though, is this expected of us? Other mothers of loss are given the respect they should receive. Losing a child to death or by kidnapping, these mothers are given time, their loss is respected and they are expected to grieve. So why are we different?

Because our pain is irrelevant. Our pain is inconvenient. We are not seen as people in society, rather we are vessels for others to get what they want. Our children are not seen as people with their own personalities, their own identities. They are not seen as we, their mothers see them, with roots going back generations. As members of a family who resembles Daddy or Mama or Uncle Jo. No, our children are seen as puppets; dolls even, whom these adopters can bring to life by adopting them. The fact the have a family already becomes irrelavent; Nature is thrown out the window. And then, once they are adopted, they too must live the "Show". Never speaking out of turn, never given the freedom to grow up as everyone else does. Kept young, dismissed, disrespected.

It is time the actors in the Show of Adoption are allowed to finish. To speak up, be heard and respected as people. You know, real people, and not figures for others to manipulate in their play. It is time this Show was rewritten or ended altogether and a new show penned. Like those long running shows in Broadway or on the West End that become tired and naturally end... it is time this Show also found a closing.

To end this post, I would like to mention Cassi's latest post. As I was blogging, I took a break and glanced at my reader list which came up with this post. Please read it. Because it is true. The same goes for our children. They are real and a part of us.

If you are looking to adopt, please re-examine why and ask yourself if you would rather build up a family than tear one down.  I urge you to ask yourself why would you want another woman to suffer because you have? You may be able to relate to the words of this song as well however please do not be responsible for making these words someone else's reality. It is not our responsibility. We did not cause anyone's infertility so please do not create a mother of loss. It is a circle that will only ever bring pain and heartbreak in the long run.

And now... back to the Show.

02 November 2010

Humpty Dumpty...

As a child, this nursery rhyme saddened and disturbed me. It was one of my least favourite and it felt very heavy for a child. At the age of three or four I can remember lying in bed, trying to go to sleep whilst mulling it over in my head and trying to think of a way they might be able to put Humpty back together.

But now, in my 30's I understand what this rhyme was all about and it really isn't for children.

There are many things that can happen in a person's life and I have had some of these less pleasant experiences and whilst they have impacted me in different ways, they did not break me. Until I lost the most precious person in my entire existence. My daughter.

I am Humpty Dumpty. And I am broken. Nothing can ever put me together again and I wonder why I try to fool myself that things will be okay when at my core I know, I just know, they can never be. Losing A screwed me up and yes I am a highly functioning person in my world outside of adoption but it is because I have forced myself to try to move on. But I see the pieces of me scattered everywhere and just when I think I have finally put myself together, something will come along and gently brush against the fragility of my existence and I will be shattered all over again, with shards being discarded in millions of directions.

Mothers are not supposed to lose their children just because they are young, unmarried, have less money. Mothers, the world over are supposed to raise their children. It is what Nature intended for us. We are not supposed to carry and create children for the purpose of abandoning our flesh and blood. It screams unnatural to do this. At our very core, in the belly of our primal knowledge. I read the blogs and stories of women who like to applaud themselves for doing this and I really detest them. This new breed of women who take delight in being a "birth"mother, an Incubator. It is utterly revolting and as far from Natural as you can get.

A mother is supposed to love, nurture and raise the child she brought into this world. She is not meant to lose or give them up.

I will never be whole. A is never going to be my daughter in the way she should be, the way Nature intended. Her adopters will always be between us. I know she will always have room for them in her life and I understand why but they don't deserve it. They ruined me. Not an agency, not a system. Her adopters with their lies and tricks.

As another visit looms, I crave her so much. And yet there is something that is always off kilter. Something that is never right between us. And that is because an unnatural, evil man-made institution came into our lives and tore us apart. Adoption.

To anyone who wants to be aware of adoption and all of its aspects, do not be fooled by the utter rubbish you are fed in the media. You are fed that crap because the industry is trying to make more money. Think. How natural is it to tear families apart? Do YOU want to be responsible for pushing Humpty Dumpty off the wall? Because that is what happens every time a mother and her child are separated. You break someone into millions of shards. And if you think that is okay, then there is something wrong with you and people like you are the reason this world has turned into something unsafe for the children of tomorrow.

31 October 2010

"Love" in adoption

Cassi at Adoption Truth recently blogged this post "You said what??" about the fallacy of loving your child so much you would abandon them.

This topic is much like a red rag is to a bull for me (see also previous post "Love and abandonment") given it is the one tactic that tipped me over the edge and so I am going to expand on it further.

I basically wanted to centre this post around the quote Cassi found which said:

“Birth parents can be wonderful loving people, in fact the most loving people when they do a very loving thing by giving their child to a family.”

WTF?? Are you freaking serious?

Okay, so if I walked up to the next stranger on the street I saw with a baby and asked them to hand it over to me because I would be a better parent for some irrelevant reason like money or whatever, I shouldn't expect to be "cussed out" or slapped. Rather, I SHOULD expect them, because they apparently love their child so much, to just hand THEIR child, their precious family member, over to me, a complete stranger, just to PROVE they love their child. Sound ridiculous to you? It does to me!! And I know the rest of the world would just think this was some sick joke yet in adoption, this is what mothers and fathers are not only EXPECTED to do but somehow, if they DON'T do it, i.e. if they do what everyone else does in this world and keeps their child, they are abused for it and told they are going to ruin their child's life.

This concept of proving love by abandoning your child is a one way street. Again, only in the sordid world of adoption, is this lie seen as truth and rammed down the throats of vulnerable and confused pregnant women who only want what is best for their child. The adopters on the other hand are EXPECTED to keep this child and should the real parents DARE to do what was naturally expected of them and ask for their child back well, the adopters are given all of the support whilst the family of the child is kicked to the curb and quite literally shat on in the media.

I have even seen adopters say things like, "I could never give X back, I love him/her to much" and yet the mother would most likely have been told if they truly loved their child they would place them for adoption.

This says two things. One, that love can only be proven by abandoning someone and two, that adopters don't love the children they adopt (which happens to be true in many cases; (note I didn't say all!) they love what the children can do FOR them as opposed to the child themselves). Now, I am sure those saying "give up your child to show you really love them" didn't mean to imply the second point. But they obviously didn't follow the natural conclusion of this distorted logic.

So if you do take the time to follow this logic through to its conclusion, you see not only how contradictory it is but that it aims to make a lie out of EVERYTHING we know of love and how we feel when we are in love. Since when has abandonment EVER said Love?? In fact, I would say it says quite the opposite... like "what was so wrong with me that he/she didn't stay/left/gave me away etc?" And, applying it to adoption as in this instance, it also says adoption isn't really about love because adopters wouldn't prove the love for the child they adopt by giving him/her up so the whole theory of adoption being this loving option then goes out the window too.

It truly is a ridiculous lie, and a very, very dangerous one.

I wish I had realised this earlier in my brainwashing. I wish I had known this was just a ruse they used to get me to do something I had already said I would NOT do. But sadly, THIS, THIS LIE amongst the threat of her being taken and another lie of a three day trial, tipped the balance for me. Because had I NOT had this lie, I wouldn't have cared about the three day promise and the threat that if I didn't sign someone else would. I cannot describe how much I loved and still love my first born. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced and I was told over and over and over etc if I really loved her, really cared for her well being, I would hand her over to a stranger. For me it was the final nail in our coffin. And so I signed. Within hours of her being taken out of my arms, I realised the lie. And thus started my battle to get my daughter back.

I wish I had been a lioness. In the animal kingdom, barring murder or a tranquiliser, if you dared to try and remove a cub from his/her mother, you could safely expect to be torn to shreds. And she would be well within her rights to do so. In fact if she didn't, it wouldn't be seen as normal. Yet in the human realm, we treat mothers with so little respect or reverence. They are seen as interchangeable where the desire suits. Replaceable. And this is in direct contrast to how a newborn sees his/her mother. To them they are their world. They KNOW when their mothers, the ones they grew inside are gone. They KNOW. And this hurts them more than we could ever imagine. Yet we still do it in the name of "Love".

Love. Have we lost the meaning of what love is? Is that what is happening, or has happened? Love is not abandoning one's child to fulfill the lust of another stranger. Love is not keeping a child from his/her family. Love is not denying a person their name, heritage, family roots. Love is not meant to be conditional. And yet adoption is all these things and more. Follow this through and you see what I see. Love and adoption are worlds apart.

14 October 2010

How dare they?

Over the past few years I have encountered many stories very similar in theme to the current case playing out with the V family and the father of the child the V's literally took.

And what gets me is the audacity of PAP's and adopters who feel they have the right to another person's child and, when a member of that child's family decides to do what is their natural right and NORMAL, i.e. to raise their child, these selfish strangers decide to fight to take away this child from their heritage, identity and only family.

Please keep in mind, this post is ONLY about the cases of adopters fighting for children the parents want to raise and not about this that and the other in family law. Really. I don't want to hear it because it isn't pertinent to this subject.

When I first lost Amber because some people decided they would be better parents because they were married and had some money (well not heaps but more than me), I was told my story was unusual and so yes it was justified that I would be angry. Since then I have discovered this is just not true. Mothers from all over the world have emailed me with their stories; some in the process of trying to fight for their children, others who fought and lost and in none of these cases had the mothers done anything "wrong" (none of these mothers were alcoholics, promiscuous before the pregnancy, into drugs etc)... except, they fell prey and then easy victim to the adoption industry. And, instead of realising to truly love a child and want a child's best interests and welfare is to ensure the mother and child bond is retained and continued, selfish people have literally taken the children of these mothers away feeling they were more entitled.

Well I have a message for all of you who do this. You are despicable human beings. Truly and completely despicable and your actions prove to the world you do NOT and are NOT capable of loving the child you take from another woman's (or in some cases, man's) arms. If you really loved the child you say you do, you would do the right thing and put aside your desires and wants and give the child back to his/her family no matter what you think of them. To take a child against their parent's wishes regardless of what a court says is really no different to abduction because like abduction it is a crime against both the child and the parents. It doesn't matter if you look after the child, if you give them items they might not otherwise have. It doesn't matter if you have a beautiful house and this toy or that. Those things are merely that, just things. They do not give a person security in their identity. They do not show a person who their family tree is. They do not mean anything.

You could be cool, awesome or whatever to your friends and family but the action of taking a child against his/her mother OR father's wishes is a crime. A crime against the child. A crime against the parent. And a crime that will have lasting affects throughout the coming generations. You think just because a court says its okay that redeems you? Well, no. It doesn't. Every day the so called law courts do the wrong thing, and justice is seldom done. People get away with doing unimaginable crimes whilst others go to prison for doing nothing. In the eyes of Nature and those with a moral conscience, anyone who fights to take a child from their family is a criminal. A person with no moral fibre and has stooped to being a low life just to get what they want. That is what criminals do. They see what they want and they take it with no care or thought what their actions will do to others. And that is what any adopter/PAP's who fight in court against a mother and/or father for their family is. A low life criminal only thinking about their needs.

Stop lying to yourselves. You don't love that child. You can't.

And to those adopters out there who close open adoptions or lie to the child they adopt by not being honest, you are of the same filth. You are liars, dishonest thieves and I am sick of your existence littering the earth hurting people as you go. Shame. Shame on you. I pray Karma comes back and hits you when you least expect it. I am capable of compassion. I know I am. But when I see people CHOOSING to be blind to the pain they cause DELIBERATELY to ease their own guilty conscience, then my compassion is replaced by white, hot rage. You are not deserving of my compassion. Or anyone else's for that matter. The sad thing is you make adoptive parents who strive to care, love and understand their children look bad. Because all you care about is yourself. God have mercy on you because I sure as hell do not.

In the Bible I have read of the "unforgivable sin". Well in that same vein, as a person who is supposed to be created in God's likeness, I have one of those as well. And it is the theft of my child. My daughter, conceived by rape but still loved by me and the rest of her family, was not meant for adoption. I was bullied, coerced, lied to in order to pry her out of my arms and then when the Judge overturned my consent by saying the original agreement for her to live somewhere else no longer stood because I was standing there accepting my responsibility to raise her, two people decided they wouldn't accept that and fought for her, using corruption and deception. I didn't lose my child, she was stolen because of people like the V's. I pray this little boy will be reunited with his father quickly where he belongs and the V's learn their place in life. As strangers to him, like they were before he was born.

PAPS/Adopters: You do NOT have the right to another family's child. Whatever your reason is for adopting, it does NOT ENTITLE YOU TO ANOTHER MOTHER AND FATHER'S CHILD. Please, for the sake of the children you covet (and the rest of their family), get this in your head.

And because I know I am likely get some hate mail out of this because it isn't done to speak the truth, bite me. I don't care. I am sick of playing the adoption game. If you want to see adoption with blinkers on, fine, your choice. But for the rest of us enlightened ones, we will continue to speak the truth because we are sick of living in the dark created by the likes of you.

11 October 2010

The "Primal Wound" debate

Every time I see this debate rear its head I feel sick. My first thought is "Really? Again? (sigh)"

Literally months before I gave birth to my daughter and then lost her during the long fight to keep her (shock, horror, how dare a mother want to raise her own child, who would dream of doing such a thing!), I completed my diploma in Early Childhood Education. Over the course of my studying, I learned and researched studies and theories which support what I was to read years later in Nancy Verrier's book.

On top of the books, papers and studies I read, I was able to observe the mother/child bond first hand through my many placements and previous work. One of these placements included a mother who was clearly postnatally depressed and I saw how this led to a devastating fracture in her relationship with her barely 5 month old daughter and the effect it had on her.

I am not going to discuss the book or its theory here. It has been rehashed a million times and the argument is circular but what I will say is that outside of adoption, in the realm of normality where the truth of the bond between a mother and her born-to-her child is accepted, the "Primal Wound" theory makes sense. Not just about children adopted but to all children who for a myriad of reasons have to be separated from their mothers. There have been numerous research studies recently which have proven the detrimental effect of removing children from the care of their mother even for a few hours; the stress and anxiety it causes in a child has been lodged through the testing of DNA. So it is easy to believe a child removed from their mother's care entirely would undergo an even bigger trauma. But, enter adoption and again - shock, horror, this is all thrown out. All of a sudden children are seen to be more resilient and can therefore cope with more trauma so it is okay to inflict this ridiculous insitution on them because they will not be affected.

Suddenly all the science, research and truth in the entire world is meaningless when adoption is introduced on the scene. Infants are suddenly blank slates with no feelings, no personalities - in a word they are seen as abnormal*. Yes, that is what I said. I am not going to beat around the bush. Children being adopted are somehow seen as DIFFERENT to children kept. They are discriminated against, their feelings are totally dismissed, their personalities denied. I have watched this in my own child and it angers me greatly. People do NOT have a right to treat children this way. Children are NOT TOYS. They are NOT little puppies and kittens that can be transferred from one mother to a stranger without damage. Anyone who denies the truth of the damage done in separating a mother and her child does so to suit their own needs, they do it for the love of themselves. There is no love for the child in this action and is truly sickening.

As I have said before in another post, adoption is purely hypocritical. It takes everything that is known and recognised as normal and true and throws it out the window. People like to see adoption as some altruistic institution but it is completely the opposite. There is no room for altruism in adoption. If people were truly altruistic, they would be helping to build communities (see previous posts) and helping families stay together. But oh no, it is too easy to give into one's desires and take what one wants than to put those desires aside and do what it takes to be ethical.

So, people will and can continue to dismiss the evidence behind the Primal Wound theory until they are puce in the face. It won't change that it speaks a universal truth which is a mother and her children should be kept together and where there needs to be intervention (i.e. in actual, real, dire situations like abuse), that intervention needs to be as gentle as possible and not the great hulking devastation that adoption brings. It will not change the absolute fact that adoption hurts and emotionally maims lives. I have heard people use the excuse that children and people are resilient, they will adapt. That is a reason to cause pain? Would you walk up to someone and shoot them in the arm and say, "oh well, you will adapt, you will heal so this won't matter"? (too bad if it leaves you crippled for the rest of your life) This really is the same thing. It is known adoption causes pain and yet people continue to push for it. Shooting someone falls under a criminal act. Adoption should to, particularly infant adoption, as it is also a weapon of destruction and hurts in a different way. It hurts families; not just those immediately involved but siblings, children, grandchildren, uncles, aunties etc.

The "Primal Wound" might have been a book written in recent times by an adoptive mother. But it speaks an ancient knowledge and truth which does not need science, arguments and the like. Its truth has stood the test of time and will always be that way despite the depravity of mankind to seek what they want, what they lust after.

*I just want to say I DO NOT see adoptees as abnormal. I see people who have been adopted as discriminated against and beaten down and it angers me. I used this word to describe how I feel others perceive adoptees based on the numerous blogs, Yahoo! Answers answers (lol), forums, posts etc I have seen where adoptees are dismissed. I also want to say I know quite a few adoptive parents who do NOT fall in the category of the type of adopters I have posted about. I know there are adoptive parents who understand all to well the truth of the pain adoption brings and kudos to them for recognising this. You know who you are (I hope :) )

05 August 2010

Dearest A,

I miss you. I love you. I wish you were here with me and not living someone else's life.

Love always,
Mama xxx

25 July 2010

"Paper" Pregnant?

Recently I had the unfortunate experience of discovering new terms in adoption whereby a woman announces she is “paper” pregnant. What the? How can anyone be ‘paper’ pregnant?

Apparently, it is the term women use to announce the fact they have decided to adopt and are in the process of filling out the paperwork. Yes, you read that right. They are equating pregnancy to filling out paperwork. (Only in the deluded fantasy world of adoption would one see such idiocy).

According to several dictionaries, being pregnant means to be “having young developing inside the womb”. Paper means: “thin flat material which is made from crushed wood or cloth and is used for writing, printing or drawing on”. So I cannot see how these two words can be jammed together to create a logical term.

Adoption is bad enough but now we have to contend with insecure women who feel the need to steal the experience of being pregnant and downplay it to a piece of paper? There is so much more to being pregnant than just making a decision to have a child. There is so much more to being pregnant than just the baby showers and joy as one waits to deliver her baby.

Pregnancy is a complex PHYSICAL process and should never be degraded to another level just to make people feel better about not being able to experience it. I will never understand exactly what it is like to NOT be pregnant. I have seen many people experience this to know it is incredibly painful however, I also know these women who would never dare downplay the experience of someone else just to make themselves feel better.

The process of adoption is NOTHING like pregnancy. Yes, many emotions are involved but it is incredibly insensitive and insulting to equate the two. Being pregnant is giving life, bringing a child into the world. Adoption, especially infant adoption and today’s styles of adoption, is about encouraging family separation, money making, pain, loss and a host of other experiences I would want nothing to do with and would never play any part in.

Being pregnant is also about risk. Physical risk. It is not a matter of becoming pregnant and giving birth 10 months (9 months is a fallacy given pregnancy to term is on average 38-42 weeks long) later. No there are three stages of being pregnant and THEN there is the labour and THEN the birth. All very different stages. And everyone experiences these things differently.

Not all embryos survive and many pregnant women experience a nail-biting first trimester as they battle morning sickness, extreme tiredness, back aches, cramps plus a load more waiting to see if their much wanted and loved babies (official word: foetus) make it to the next trimester. When we make it through, there are the invasive tests; blood tests, scans, sugar level tests, tests than can involve needles through the belly etc to ensure the foetus is developing. I have had many friends who have suffered miscarriages at different stages and I have had one at a very, very early stage and it can be a devastating time.

Then there are women who are told their child may not make it and thus spend their entire pregnancy in hospital being poked and prodded and tested as they wait and see what will happen when their child is born.

During the second trimester, we do get to see our child through ultrasound, we do get to feel them moving inside us and an amazing physical, spiritual and physical experience can occur for many women: bonding.

Making it through to the third trimester is a relief as most mothers understand their unborn baby could make it if they were to give birth now.

It is also a very uncomfortable time and for some mothers it can be risky. Pregnancy induced diabetes, elevated blood pressure which can fast turn into a medical emergency known as pre- and full blown eclampsia where the mother’s life and sometimes the baby’s life is at risk. It is a time of needing to sit on the toilet constantly, nausea can return, size makes it difficult to walk far, breathing can become more difficult due to cramped space within the mother’s body and the list could stretch on. And this is just from the mother’s experience let alone the baby’s.

Next, it is time for baby to make their appearance and sometimes this is spontaneous and natural and at other times it is difficult and needs medical intervention. Labour is not easy and can be excruciating and drugs do not always work. Many complications can occur during labour and indeed I know to well what these can be.

Finally, the birth occurs. Yes, it is a joyous moment where mama and baby finally get to meet each other; a reward for all their hard work. But to get there? It is a harrowing journey for the newborn and painful for the mother. I have heard many horror stories of birth and have had my own and so holding your baby at the end feels like a huge reward for getting through to the other side. And it is all worth it. Except for some mothers, their baby is snatched away from them for no reason AT ALL except to satisfy the desire of strangers to have a baby. The very natural process of being pregnant and giving birth is interrupted by this unnatural, man created law known as adoption.

To then take all these experiences and then to insult them by claiming to be pregnant on paper is incredible. A person wanting to adopt should have worked past the need to take part in the pregnant/birth stage and be looking at the REAL issues of what adoption means. The loss, the pain, the lifetime of being forever linked to another family whether you want to be or not.

Yes, pregnancy is a joyous experience but please do not insult women who have actually gone through with it and claim to be “paper” pregnant because there is NO. SUCH. THING. The reason so many people adopt is because they CAN’T be pregnant and so they should DEAL WITH THAT and not create fantasies for themselves as it is really very unhealthy for them and any child they adopt.

Finally, if people really want to continue with the whole paper pregnant routine; please remember that at the end of it all, you will only be a paper parent.

20 July 2010

The little things do matter

Two mornings ago I woke having dreamed intensively all night. The last dream was the one that really stuck with me and I can still recall it now as I sit down to type this.

I have been very close with all three of my children; and each one of them has shown from birth how unique they are, right from the beginning.

This dream was more of a flash back than anything but as it involved scenes I was not present for, I can only assume I was in some state of sleep otherwise I would not have felt like it was a dream.

It started with a memory of A and I together, in the days after she had been discharged from the hospital. We slept in the same room, and had done so the moment I was allowed to take her out of the nursery in hospital. She had this peculiar little noise she would make; a little like snuffling but not really that either. It was a noise that indicated she was not settled and it is was rather loud. I loved it. Absolutely loved it because it was my cue to scoop her up out of her crib and lay her in my arms close to my chest and I would nuzzle her head as we would fall asleep. Miraculously, whenever I did this, the noises would cease and we would sleep like that, in silence, until she woke hungry, or as happened a few times, we would wake drenched in my milk! Still, after we were dry or after she was fed, we would resume this sleeping pattern and all would be quiet.

My dream took me on to my other two children where we had similar patterns. Noodle (my next daughter), never had the noise but she was happiest sleeping next to me in her crib, or later as she got older, in my arms. She didn't sleep in her own bed until she was four years old and moved in there of her own accord... once she was ready.

Then came our little Dude and his favourite place was on my left hand side, just above my breast where he could hear my heart beat. I discovered this shortly after his birth when the nurses and midwives had left us to try and attempt sleep (as it was after midnight when he was born) and he started making the same noises his biggest sister had made. Again, I scooped him out of his plastic hospital box, undid my night shirt and lay him on my bare shoulder. We fell into a blissful slumber.

From this point of my dream, I went into scenes not part of my memory bank and I only know this occurred because of what I was told by my daughter's adopters.

Not long after she was taken out of my arms, in fact within a day or two, her noises so precious to me and a sign of what she needed became too much for them to cope with... and so she was placed in a room, a strange, cold room, all alone. No rhythmic breathing to signal I was there. No sweet smell of milk to let her know comfort was on hand. Before I woke with a tear drenched face, I could hear her in that room, all alone and it tore at me in a way I could never explain. I wish I could have walked into that room right then, gather her up and fled that house. Instead, I got to wake up.

When I woke, it hurt to breathe. Guilt overwhelmed me in waves. My little girl so happy and secure with me one moment only to be taken by strange arms with strange smells and foreign voices the next. I shudder at the thought of how her little mind coped with it.

Now it is still there, this sense of closeness. She doesn't even understand it herself. She melts into me whenever she touches me; it really shows how the small things in life really do matter. All this from a noise... and a bond that no man and no woman should ever, ever have interfered with.

03 July 2010

Authenticity - my lack of

I am a fraud. My life is based on fraud. And I can't do it anymore.

We have another visit tomorrow and all I want to do is tell A the truth and that I can no longer play this game of lies and pretend. It has been going on for 8 years. 8 years I have played this game and I cannot do it.

Part of me waking up and wanting to live again means I want to be authentic and with the existence of this situation, there is no way I can be authentic. I feel as though I betray myself and my beliefs every time I have a visit. Every time I sit there pretending everything is just fine. But in reality, it isn't. It never has been and it can never be.

I don't want anymore visits. I want her in my life but in a way that is free and honest. To spend time without all the chains wrapped around us, ensnaring and trapping us in a game of make believe. I don't want to sit with THEM, the perpetrators of the crime, the liars, those who stole, yes, LITERALLY stole my child with the aid of money and a crooked judge. Haven't I played this game long enough?

And then there is her. My girl. Stuck in the middle of this. She didn't ask for it anymore than I did and her voice was never heard and is still drowned out. How can I walk away from her knowing she will not be allowed to see me without them tagging along? Yet, I know for the sake of my family that are here and now, I need to let her go. I need to do what I have never been able to do and accept she is no longer my girl. That is all gone. She never can be mine again because of the nature of adoption. It severs everything in all possible ways. Its poison kills off any chances. I see no hope, no chances and so why should I continue with this farcical game? How can any of this help her when we don't even talk? Even with reunions I have read about and see, I see only more pain ahead, no hope of anything being real. I will always be just her birther, her womb-for-rent, her abandoner. Which means I am nothing to her.

Today is a dark, dark day. I cannot see the sun through the clouds, cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want to withdraw into a cave and never come out. Pain hovers too closely and I lack the strength to continually hold it off. Why did anyone think adoption could be a thing of beauty when all I have ever seen it do is cause more anguish than anything else...

24 June 2010

The case against Adoption: Conclusion

It has been some time since I visited this topic. And in that time, much has happened; here on my blog, on other blogs related to adoption and mostly within myself.

Through my other posts, I have presented reasons why I feel adoption is outdated as a law and institution. Many disagree with me whilst many others agree with me, even if they were not aware of it at the time! This has certainly been a journey all of its own.

However, I feel it is necessary to wrap this one up as I left it very much open and unfinished with my last post. I had intended to go further with the “series” as some would call it but I grew weary with the weight of this issue.

I disagree with adoption. Absolutely and completely. And I have come to the conclusion one of the the main reasons I detest adoption so much (apart from the many other reasons I have stated in the past) is because of what it does to people. The ensuing consequences; the reactions to the actions. What it did to me and created in me. The endless destruction. The negativity, lies, pain, anguish, hatred and more.

Adoption, as I have seen over the past 10 years since entering the wider world of adoption through the internet, brings out the very worst in people. Like THE worst. It brought out the very worst in me and turned me into someone I never was before adoption infected my life. And it is not someone I sit comfortably with. Not only myself, but I have seen and watched people become uglier than I could ever imagine and for me, anything that brings out so much hatred, violence and cruelty can never, EVER be a good thing.

Perhaps at one time, there were good intentions with adoption. I know there are individuals I have been privileged to meet who had and have very good intentions and have adopted for the right reasons. But sadly, the majority of people I have encountered across the world of adoption, have impacted on me in a devastating way. These are the people who reinforce the reason why adoption has become as controversial as it is. These people are the proof adoption is vile and full of everything BUT goodness, love and compassion.

As a child and young adult, I have seen and been in the middle of war, revolution, terrorism, starvation, pain, poverty, death and more. My family have faced many trials and I myself have been through some awful experiences. But none of them have ever had the destructive power in my life in the same way adoption has. I have never felt the force of evil quite so much as I have with adoption. With the above experiences, they are validated as horrific and there are, sadly, many people throughout the world who have been impacted by these same experiences and the world, for the most part, recognises these experiences as being terrible and thus appropriate actions are taken (in some cases) to provide care and assistance.

But in adoption… oh no. Poverty is seen as an excuse to take another person’s family to satisfy the need and ugly desires of another to have their own family. Hardships are seized on almost with glee by those facilitating adoption and are exploited for the personal gain of others. Babies and children are ripped from the arms of women and families for the sake of another’s selfishness and the worst part, PEOPLE TURN A BLIND EYE TO THESE EVIL ACTIONS. The hypocrisy in adoption is absolutely astounding. The double standards forced on those less fortunate than others who for some reason feel they have the right to dictate another person’s life to them, is beyond unbelievable. It is shocking. The mass abuse of human rights that occurs with adoption is bad enough without people refusing to see the truth of it.

I see this in articles splashed through magazines and newspapers, throughout the world of blogging and in the general public. I have seen pure venom directed at people in forums and commentary on articles. It is pure ugliness.

When people try to tell me adoption is all about love, I think about what I have read and heard and I cannot see the love. Because at the end of the day, the actions of so many people, agencies and government bodies has drowned out the love. The positives. I also feel that love can never grow in places that are entirely self-oriented, lustful and desire something that will only cause pain and destruction to another human being. For me, the nature of Love is to build someone up, not tear them down.

It is not wrong to want to parent. It is not wrong to want to have a child. What you decide to do with these desires is what determines if what you choose is right or wrong. Perhaps there would be room for adoption if it was so drastically changed it no longer resembles the adoption of today however, like I have stated in the past, once you change certain legalities about adoption, it is no longer adoption but some other law.

I have learned much through this journey of exploring why adoption should be undone. I have discovered there is a lot of common ground out there with people who do not see themselves as being anti-adoption. It has been a rewarding experience to learn and grow with the discussions online and through email I have had with my readers on this topic.

However, at the end of the day, I come to the conclusion that adoption is built on such a rotten foundation without the focus on the child and their best interests (despite what it says) and therefore needs to be scrapped with something less ugly built in its place. I admit, some of this feeling comes from my own pain and experience I have suffered at the brutal hands of adoption however I have seen too much and learned too much to ever see adoption in a favourable light.

Before people jump on the soap box and question me about orphans and abused children, please, give it a rest. This is a tired, circular argument which in the scheme of things is just an excuse people use to get what they want. Most people who have used this argument are not adopting the abused or orphaned children of this world but are lusting after the child of another mother so I am really not going there with you.

Adoption is about loss. Period. And until people can face this, many will continue to see it in a good way. Until people are courageous enough to face the truth of adoption and its demons, adoption will continue with all the ugliness it ensues. I just pray one day, the truth will be so obvious it can no longer be ignored and people finally start re-evaluating this barbaric practise and its consequences.

07 June 2010

I Dreamed a Dream...

Just as you are traveling along feeling grounded, something comes along to challenge you and trigger feelings of old. And this is what happened recently with "Glee" or should I say a couple of the songs from this show.

I have only ever watched a couple of episodes and have tried not to watch it due to all the hype surrounding it (I don't like being too mainstream LOL) however from what I have seen so far, it is okay. Anyway, the reason I watched it at all was due to the story line surrounding Rachel and the recent discovery of her mother. (Long story short: Rachel is the result of a "surrogate" arrangement). Her first introduction to her mother was through a tape of her singing to Rachel and then you see Mother and Daughter on stage singing "I Dreamed a Dream"...

Wow, that song has had me feeling a lot! I guess because of the setting in which it was performed and the words which I can so keenly relate to:

"I Dreamed a Dream" as sung in the show Glee (not sure who wrote the lyrics)

(Sung by the mother)
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life, worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

(Sung by daughter)
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung no wine untasted

(sung by both)
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame

(sung by daughter)
And still I dream she’ll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

(sung by both)
I had a dream my life would be
So diff’rent from this hell I’m living
So diff’rent now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed

The sections I have bolded are the words that stuck with me most. These words highlighted exactly what I was trying to say in a previous post about grieving what I had lost and the need to move on. Hearing the words put into song like this (I have a thing about music, it is my soul food) really spoke to my core. However, instead of leaving me broken, it has helped me see that yes, my life I dreamed of is dead... so now it is time to have a new dream and breathe life into something new for my whole family.

Life did kill the dream I had, the dream of my daughter and I and all the things we would do together... and I can never get that back. It will always be a loss. It will always be sad and painful. But now, right now, I have a chance to create a new dream, including her, and my other children. It will be difficult as it wasn't what I expected but it is where my journey is leading. So as I move through my own "Boulevard of Broken Dreams", I move onto another road, a new road with a new purpose. I have no idea what lies ahead for me on this road and there is no map to follow but I am ready to see what waits for me out there.

03 June 2010

Missing You

Some days, like today, for no reason at all, I can feel you; as if you are standing right next to me… and I miss you, miss you more than I do on all those other days I miss you. Like a ghost, I can feel your hand reaching out to me and I want to fold you in my arms and inhale your unique and precious scent.

Your smile has become like a drug to me. I stare at your pictures for hours, wishing our next encounter would be now and not in a mere number of weeks. I thought seeing you more often in a year would be enough but I find myself addicted to you, wanting more, never feeling satisfied with our time. And the person I crave is the you of now… not the baby I longed for so many years but the beautiful girl with long dark hair; the big beautiful brown eyes that almost mirror mine and your little sister’s.

I ache just to hear about the mundane things in your life, the little things. The books you have read, the songs you adore, your favourite movies, your friends; the silliness and innocence of pre-teen life.

I miss you so much… and it really hurts. I could never tell you this as I wouldn’t want to burden you but it has to come out or sometimes I feel it would swallow me and I am doing so well right now. I love you.

Mama xxx

25 March 2010

Boulevard of Broken Dreams... oh yeah, I have so been there...

"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams" by Green Day

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

And this is where I have been treading lately... down my own boulevard of broken dreams. Amongst the ruins of what might have been and what is now. I know my current life is not a 'bad' one. And I dearly love the family I have. But I did have a map once upon a time. A map with plans for the the journey I wanted to embark on. The journey of MY choice. One night, THAT night, changed my path forever as well as the lives of others. Destroying in a puff of smoke all the wonderful plans I had made. Rape. It has so much to answer for.

As I said, I know my life is not a miserable one and I do not view what I currently have as a consolation prize. In fact, I feel very lucky in many respects... but... I have come to the conclusion I am in mourning. Mourning the life I was on the cusp of living. The life I was so looking forward to. One that I had to completely turn my back on. Instead of denying this pain, of trying to block it, I am going to sit with it and hear it out. Face it with all the consequences that are likely to ensue. Maybe say good bye to the ghosts of so long ago... and take that next step. A step on the everlasting journey to healing...

... 'til then I walk alone...

07 February 2010

"Make Peace"

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard this expression.

"I hope you make peace with your decision"

"I hope you find peace and can move on with your life"

"I hope you can let go of the hurt" etc etc and etc...

You get the picture.

What I have realised lately, is that these people often don't really care if I find peace or not. They don't want me to find peace for my sake. Oh no. They want me to find peace for THEIR sake because my voice makes THEM uncomfortable. And it is not just me but any other person who dares to speak out against the popular view of adoption.

There is an old saying I like which goes something along the lines of "People judge that which they don't understand". And judgement, dismissal etc is something of an epidemic in adoption.

You know something? I have made peace. Peace with the fact I know this pain can never be healed. Like the quote on the side of my blog from Frodo in the Return of the King, there are some hurts in life that can never be healed. Some wounds that go so deep they alter the whole of your life.

And so it is with that realisation I have made peace. This doesn't mean I do not have a life. But this blog is about one area of my life only and I do not need to defend the rest of my life to strangers who will never be part of my life.

Dismissing what I have to say only reflects on the person doing the dismissing. It has nothing to do with me except for the fact I challenge their safe little bubble (as do all who speak out against evil and wrongdoing where people chose blindness as it is more comfortable).

Dismissal is something I seem to be the brunt of more and more of late... especially here on my blog. From the ramblings of one pissed off lady because I don't like adoption and want it replaced by a more humane and just system (diddums) to raging emails about how my story is not true... these from people who are from a totally different country and have no clue as to who I am and what they are talking about. People so desperate to trample my voice they feel the need to dictate to me my experience and yet support my argument with their anger.

Peace... do people even know the meanings of the words they use these days? I wonder as they often say things with the opposite message attached...

01 February 2010


Responsibility. It is a word that is tossed around a lot in adoption. “Take responsibility”.

I am very much in favour of people taking responsibility for their actions in life. Whatever they are. I feel if you choose to do something then you wear the consequences of that choice. It isn’t really rocket science, it is just logic.

However, there are also choices made in life that are not made by you but affect you in either profoundly negative or positive ways. Choices made by individuals for whatever reasons which carry consequences that can change the path of someone’s whole life journey.

For example, child abuse (physical, sexual or neglectful), the act of war, murder, rape, being given a large sum of money/inheritance, abduction and adoption to name a few.

All these examples are the result of one or many persons making a choice and that choice altering someone’s life substantially.

Given this blog is about adoption, I want to talk about responsibility in adoption.

Over the past few years and indeed in very recent days, I have often had the odd person tell me to take responsibility for my actions in regards to my daughter’s adoption. And there are things within this experience I do take responsibility for such as being naive, trusting those who could not be trusted, wanting to do what was right, being worn down etc.

But that is not what they mean. I have been told to take responsibility for getting pregnant. But how can I when I was raped? When I said no and tried to stop my daughter’s biological father from hurting me, I took responsibility. I. SAID. NO. After this, it was not MY choice and therefore NOT my responsibility. So no, I do not take responsibility for being raped and becoming pregnant and neither should any other woman.

When I discovered I was pregnant, in a state of shock, I had to make a choice as to what I would do with my child. For me, abortion was not an option. It was not something I personally felt or feel comfortable with. Adoption was offered to me next and I immediately said “No way, I am not giving my child away”. And then I opted to parent. It was the logical choice. I was pregnant and at the end of that pregnancy I would be a mother. What do mothers do with their children? They raise them. It was fairly simple to me.

However, what I was unaware of then, is that apparently, this wasn’t my choice to make. Raising my own child somehow became everyone else’s business but mine and what I had to say didn’t matter. I had no idea that my community, my whole support network would turn on me this way and that their choice was more important.

Yes, I made the choice to listen to these people who were supposed to be my elders, protectors and people who cared about me. Yes, I chose to trust them... why wouldn’t I? Yes, I chose to look into the choice (adoption) they presented to me to get them off my back. Hardly a crime.

What I was unprepared for is the choices each individual would make in relation to my child and I. Their choices, which in most cases I believe were made not out of malice but out of ignorance, had dire consequences for us.

On to the adoption part. I am told that regardless of what anyone else said to me, it was still my signature on those consent papers. No one held a gun (well at least not physically) to my head, no one forged my signature. This is true and again, I accept this. I did sign those papers however much I didn’t want to.

But here is where I stop taking responsibility and I don’t care who disagrees with me because, and let me make this clear to you, I WAS THERE, I WAS THE ONE THIS HAPPENED TO. Not you. So unless you have walked a mile in MY shoes, have experienced what I went through then you have no say in this and your opinion counts for nought.

Adoption was NOT MY choice. I chose to parent so I do not take responsibility for “making” that choice. I didn’t then and I will not today or any other day. My story has not changed. I was never in the fog about adoption being “the best for my child” because I never believed it was. You just have to ask those who were there and knew me well to know that.

Signing that consent? Yes, biggest regret of my life and I have beaten myself up about it over and over for trusting and believing the lies. But although there was no physical gun, there was an emotional one. I was wrongly informed if I DIDN’T sign, the consent could be signed by someone else, our “Chief executive” (formerly Director-General) and I would lose her anyway. Where was the choice in that? Sign or have her taken away regardless. No choice, therefore nothing to take responsibility FOR.

But even if I didn’t make the choice to place her, I definitely made the choice to parent her clear. And I definitely took responsibility for that. How? I FOUGHT for MY child. I went to court and I fought for her. And, my first court battle, I won. Yes, I won. So, how did my daughter end up where she is? BECAUSE OF THE CHOICES OF OTHERS. Her adopters. They decided to fight to take her away from me and the rest of her family so yes, I lay that choice, the responsibility for the end result SQUARELY on their shoulders because that is where it belongs.

Often, I see mothers told to take responsibility for the actions of others. No one wants to believe our stories because we threaten and challenge the incorrect view the general public holds on adoption. Validating our experiences means others have to face THEIR responsibilities for the choices THEY made and that is just too much for most. So we get told we have to take responsibility for the choices OTHERS made. We are told to apologise to our children for abandoning them despite the fact many of us never had a choice and some of us did what we could to keep our children. Who apologises for something they didn’t do? Why is it expected for mothers to do this when others are not expected to?

I have seen mothers from the Baby Scoop Era denied their stories as being true, that they created and invented their experience just to make excuses for losing their child. This is preposterous. For one, most of these mothers had no idea how wide spread this issue was given the secrecy of the era and their own MEDICAL RECORDS prove their stories not to mention the testimonies of those who worked in the hospitals and saw this occur with their own eyes.

Even Nancy Verrier in her book Primal Wound expects mothers to apologise to their adult children for placing them. As an adoptive parent, that is easy for her to say. It excuses her from being part of the demand that continues the growth of the adoption industry. It is her and other adoptive parents who used their thousands of dollars in so-called fees to obtain an infant who should be apologising to their child for not using that money more wisely and helping them stay within their family. It would have been cheaper!

I am all for telling my daughter I am sorry she FELT abandoned and the pain that caused her but I will not take responsibility for what her adopters and others did to me to ensure my child and I were separated. Why should I? Just to make you sleep easier at night? Take a hike.

What I can take responsibility for is getting my story out there. I can be responsible for ensuring stories like mine do not keep being repeated. I can take responsibility for how this tragic event impacts my life and I do. I have. Take this blog for instance, it is where I can share my pain, my anguish in a healthy way that doesn't impact my family. If I DIDN'T blog, DIDN'T speak up, I would be guilty of NOT taking responsibility and the pain would swallow me so much I would be of no use to my family. In venting, sharing my pain and feelings here, I free myself of these emotions so I am available for my other two precious children. To ignore the need for me to blog, would be an injustice to my family.

Responsibility. Its a big word. Maybe before you judge me and talk to me about responsibility perhaps you should learn what it means and either walk a mile in my shoes or take responsibility for your own actions in life.