07 February 2010

"Make Peace"

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard this expression.

"I hope you make peace with your decision"

"I hope you find peace and can move on with your life"

"I hope you can let go of the hurt" etc etc and etc...

You get the picture.

What I have realised lately, is that these people often don't really care if I find peace or not. They don't want me to find peace for my sake. Oh no. They want me to find peace for THEIR sake because my voice makes THEM uncomfortable. And it is not just me but any other person who dares to speak out against the popular view of adoption.

There is an old saying I like which goes something along the lines of "People judge that which they don't understand". And judgement, dismissal etc is something of an epidemic in adoption.

You know something? I have made peace. Peace with the fact I know this pain can never be healed. Like the quote on the side of my blog from Frodo in the Return of the King, there are some hurts in life that can never be healed. Some wounds that go so deep they alter the whole of your life.

And so it is with that realisation I have made peace. This doesn't mean I do not have a life. But this blog is about one area of my life only and I do not need to defend the rest of my life to strangers who will never be part of my life.

Dismissing what I have to say only reflects on the person doing the dismissing. It has nothing to do with me except for the fact I challenge their safe little bubble (as do all who speak out against evil and wrongdoing where people chose blindness as it is more comfortable).

Dismissal is something I seem to be the brunt of more and more of late... especially here on my blog. From the ramblings of one pissed off lady because I don't like adoption and want it replaced by a more humane and just system (diddums) to raging emails about how my story is not true... these from people who are from a totally different country and have no clue as to who I am and what they are talking about. People so desperate to trample my voice they feel the need to dictate to me my experience and yet support my argument with their anger.

Peace... do people even know the meanings of the words they use these days? I wonder as they often say things with the opposite message attached...


  1. people suck, what can I say. People are so invested in adoption being a wonderfull thing that they get scarily angry if we push our own feelings and experiences on the matter

    I think that making peace with pain thing is something that a lot of people dont or refuse to understand (I wrote about it on my blog recently using the same quote by frodo because it is so apt)

  2. I agree, people are waaaaay too invested.

    Its a great quote by Frodo, so very true.

    I think I read your post... am popping over to check!

    Myst xxx

  3. I find your story hard to believe ONLY because it's so horrible. Not because I don't believe you. I do believe you. It's just hard to believe that something so terrible can happen in such a modern age. People on ther internet are so quick to throw out judgment and hate. Would they look you in your face and say, "you're lying." No, they would not. This is your blog for you to express your loss. Why come here, read it, then dismiss you. It seems like a waste of people's time and energy.

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  5. Great insight with the "make peace" statement not really being about you, but more for them, because they need peace and don't want their reality threatened.

  6. I absolutely agree with Peach's comment.

    I often wonder why mothers are required to "make peace"? Our experiences and feelings are dismissed and violently attacked-why is that?

    Myst, you have it right. Our voices make others uncomfortable. They don't want to hear the truth because it forces them to look at themselves.

  7. I agree completely too. The "make peace" that is thrown around so often isn't for us, but for those that don't want to hear or believe what we have to say.

    And who really has a right to dictate what brings peace to someone and what doesn't?

    I am more at peace today than I ever was during all those years I lived in denial and tried hiding from my pain.

    Being at peace does not mean walking away from what you believe, refusing to speak out because you see a need for change.

    On the contrary, I believe it takes great peace within oneselves to have the courage and ability to continue to fight and speak out, as you do so eloquently here on your blog, without letting others silence you are scare you away from what you believe in.

    To me, that is peace.

    Great post again, Myst! As always!

  8. "You know something? I have made peace. Peace with the fact I know this pain can never be healed. Like the quote on the side of my blog from Frodo in the Return of the King, there are some hurts in life that can never be healed. Some wounds that go so deep they alter the whole of your life."

    So true-Somtimes it is just about managing the pain. I am learning to accept this right now from a few angles: The loss of my dad and accepting my girls adoption losses. I can't 'heal' them...but, I can listen.

    Thank you again for touching my girls hearts!

  9. Hi household6,

    Thank you for your comment :) I know what you mean, I have read other people's stories in horror and disbelief because I can't imagine something so trrifying but why would people feel the need to invent anything so horrible? Believe me, I would much rather not be here sharing my story... I would rather not my story be true as then I wouldn't know this experience and it is something I wish no one to know...

    Thank you for passing by and validating my story :)


  10. Hi Peach, exactly! Often I get people who show me no compassion or empathy when they throw out this statement. In some ways I feel it is a dismissive statement which is why I find it so insincere. Its more or a "I hope you find peace so you shut up and put up with it and you don't challenge my little world" not a "I am so sorry you are hurting" type of thing.

    Myst xxx

  11. Hi Lissa :)

    One of my comments on a post was from a person who could not understand why I was still hurting over something that happened 11-12 years ago. They pretty much said I should be over it by now/found peace and moved on knowing that I brought happiness to my child and her adoptive family. It was more of a dismissive and dictative (ha, not sure if that is even a word) statement than anything. It comes back to the fact we are not permitted to feel pain over the loss of our children.

    People who lose children in death are given room for their loss; we are not because we supposedly did this to ourselves so why should we be allowed to feel pain? Society likes to keep us downtrodden... especially where money is involved.

    And yes, when we speak out against soemthing so ingrained in our society, it doesn't sit well with some people and so we are ruthlessly attacked.


  12. Cassi, thank you for your comment!! It added something more of what I wanted to say but ran out of room (emotionally) for:

    "And who really has a right to dictate what brings peace to someone and what doesn't?"

    Precisely. Peace for me/you/next door neighbour can look different.

    "I am more at peace today than I ever was during all those years I lived in denial and tried hiding from my pain."

    Amen! Trying to swallow and deny how we truly feel only causes MORE pain, MORE anger. It is only when we have "made peace" and accepted this is part of our lives that we can move forward. Denying it is there and that it is not a huge part of our lives does more damage than accepting it and being honest about it.

    "Being at peace does not mean walking away from what you believe, refusing to speak out because you see a need for change."

    Again, amen! Being at peace doesn't mean we have to be quiet and still.

    Thank you Cassi, very eloquent as always :)


  13. Hi Diane,

    Thank you for passing by :)

    I am sorry you lost your dad :( I would be heartbroken if I lost mine.

    I agree with you, it is sometimes about learning how to manage the pain. Living in spite of the pain. Being honest with ourselves is so much more important than trying to cover it up and pretending it has gone away.

    And it was my pleasure to answer the questions. Thank you (and your girls) for giving me that opportunity... it is something I am not allowed to discuss with my daughter as "her adoption has no affect on her at all" according to her adoptive parents. Which I now know to be untrue. I wish she had someone to talk to that would validate her loss and understand she needs to voice her feelings. It is so important.


  14. You said a mouthful- make peace- I want to smack people who write that on my blog, along with the myriad other dismissive things they say- You keep preaching it sistah!

  15. Thanks Mary :) I hear you... I get annoyed when people tell me to make peace just so they can dismiss my experience. They wouldn't like it if we turned it back on them.

    e.g. I hope you can make peace with the fact you cannot have children and move on with your life instead of breaking apart another family to get what you want.

    Yeah, I'm sure that would go down a treat... at least its more honest!

    Myst xxx

  16. You know...I've gotten the "make peace" statement too. And I'm coming from the other end of the Triad.

    "I hope you can make peace with your life and move on".

    Move on from what exactly?? Losing my natural family..losing my heritage..my original birth certificate...my innocence??

    Ri-donk-u-lous..no matter how you slice it.


  17. (((Christina)))

    Its stupid how people can be so dismissive. I don't know how anyone could move on from such a monumental loss at such an early age.

    People are too quick to judge because they are not affected in the same way or because what you say challenges them.

    Of everyone in the adoption picture, people need to hear what adoptees have to say and rather than telling them to make peace and move on, hear and validate how adoption affects people and act on that.

    Thanks for commenting :)


  18. Myst,
    Well, you were sweetness defined with my girls and I am so very thankful. People are so quick to forget or dismiss that -

    Without the first mom...the triad wouldn't exist.

    Yes- your daughter needs her full voice heard and I will pray that she finds the right ears to listen.

    My very best to you and yours.


  19. Hey Myst:::

    Well...Wow. That statement is something of an Oxymoron...
    First of all, you don't "Find Peace"
    I believe peace is what you feel when you experience the true nature of yourself. When you(I) become one with the very essence of our being, our highest light.
    I don't believe that Peace is "found" outside of ourself. It is within us always, b/c it is our nature...sometimes and oftentimes it's just covered up and clouded by our pain and suffering.
    And, what in the heck does anyone know about the personal pain we live with?
    You're Right, it's demeaning...but it sounds like you know who is sincere and who isn't...
    Maybe these kind people are just here to remind us of the few folks in our lives that really know and understand us so we can appreciate them more? i dunno.
    Maybe its simply just ignorance, and a lack of something better to say? probably.
    It just sucks that "they" cannot realize you would have been better off not even having to hear their BS in the first place!
    Oh Heck,
    Just wanted to send some Love along anyway...LOVE & BIG HUGS xxoo
    Mama K.

  20. Hi Kristina! Thanks for the Love and hugs... they are always greatly appreciated!

    Sorry its taken me so long to get back to you... life has been hectic here of late.

    Thanks again and love and hugs to you too :)



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