25 March 2010

Boulevard of Broken Dreams... oh yeah, I have so been there...

"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams" by Green Day

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...


And this is where I have been treading lately... down my own boulevard of broken dreams. Amongst the ruins of what might have been and what is now. I know my current life is not a 'bad' one. And I dearly love the family I have. But I did have a map once upon a time. A map with plans for the the journey I wanted to embark on. The journey of MY choice. One night, THAT night, changed my path forever as well as the lives of others. Destroying in a puff of smoke all the wonderful plans I had made. Rape. It has so much to answer for.

As I said, I know my life is not a miserable one and I do not view what I currently have as a consolation prize. In fact, I feel very lucky in many respects... but... I have come to the conclusion I am in mourning. Mourning the life I was on the cusp of living. The life I was so looking forward to. One that I had to completely turn my back on. Instead of denying this pain, of trying to block it, I am going to sit with it and hear it out. Face it with all the consequences that are likely to ensue. Maybe say good bye to the ghosts of so long ago... and take that next step. A step on the everlasting journey to healing...

... 'til then I walk alone...

6 comments:

  1. We're all here keeping you company don't forget.
    You are in mourning and you're doing the best thing to stick with it and grieve for as long as you have to.
    Please get Evelyn Burns Robinson's books, she'll help you so much.Just put in a search and you can order them by post, they're only about $20 and the best books around.
    Please let me know how you're going......

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  2. You are not alone my friend, my shadow walks right along side yours.

    Love and Hugs,
    Denise

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  3. MYST,

    HUGE WARM HUGS FROM SCOTLAND.

    DEAR MYST,

    YOU WILL NEVER WALK ALONE, WE THE OLDER MOTHERS OF LOST TO ADOPTION,ARE RIGHT THERE WITH YOU,EVERY INCH OF THE WAY.

    WE LIVED, AND BEARELY SURVIVED WITHIN THE HOLOCAUST OF CLOSED ADOPTION.

    THE HALLMARKS THAT MARRED OUR LIVES WERE, PTSD,NEVER ENDING DEPRESSION,AND IMMENSE PHYSICAL ILLNESSES.

    REUNION, WHEN IT GOES PEAR SHAPED,COMPOUNDS THE PAIN IN OUR LIVES, THAT WE REACH A POINT, THAT DEATH WOULD BE A BLESSING, AS THE PAIN THAT IS YOUR MANTLE 24/7/52. IS TO MUCH.

    AH BUT MYST, WHEN WE LOG ON,TO FORUMS AND BLOGGS THROUGHOUT THE WORLD, SEARCHING FOR SOLACE,COMFORT, WE FIND, A WONDERFUL FAMILY OF FRIENDS, THAT ARE WITH US, THAT KNOW INTIMATELY OUR PAIN GRIEF AND SUFFERING, WE STRIKE UP A WONDERFUL RAPPORT,AND INSTANTLY A MEASURE OF REAL HEALING BEGINS, COUPLED WITH THESE WONDERFUL TRUTHS FROM PSALM147V3 HE HEALS THE BROKEN HEARTED AND AND BINDS UP OUR WOUNDS.

    MYST YOU NEVER WALK ALONE, THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF SISTERS WITH YOU,CARING AND PRAYING WITH YOU AND FOR YOU,YOUR FAMILY, AND ESPECIALLY AMBER

    WARM TARTAN HUGS

    MARAH66

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  4. Raw, rich and tender. And I'm learning and following with you.

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  5. as others have said Myst, you don't walk alone. So many of us have shared your path. And yet, I do know what you mean by feeling alone.

    I went for a walk tonight, I love walking, and of course I thought what it would be like if my son were walking with me, by my side. This is my greatest sorrow, that I will not share the day to day things (that we all experience) with my son.

    I don't know how to cope with the loss or to pretend that it never happened...

    but you are not alone.

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  6. ((((Hugs everyone)))) Thank you for the wamrth and comfort... it is easier to know that there are others on the same path, even if you cannot always see and feel their presence. I just wish you didn't have to tread down this path either...

    Thank you again,
    xxx

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