24 June 2010

The case against Adoption: Conclusion

It has been some time since I visited this topic. And in that time, much has happened; here on my blog, on other blogs related to adoption and mostly within myself.

Through my other posts, I have presented reasons why I feel adoption is outdated as a law and institution. Many disagree with me whilst many others agree with me, even if they were not aware of it at the time! This has certainly been a journey all of its own.

However, I feel it is necessary to wrap this one up as I left it very much open and unfinished with my last post. I had intended to go further with the “series” as some would call it but I grew weary with the weight of this issue.

I disagree with adoption. Absolutely and completely. And I have come to the conclusion one of the the main reasons I detest adoption so much (apart from the many other reasons I have stated in the past) is because of what it does to people. The ensuing consequences; the reactions to the actions. What it did to me and created in me. The endless destruction. The negativity, lies, pain, anguish, hatred and more.

Adoption, as I have seen over the past 10 years since entering the wider world of adoption through the internet, brings out the very worst in people. Like THE worst. It brought out the very worst in me and turned me into someone I never was before adoption infected my life. And it is not someone I sit comfortably with. Not only myself, but I have seen and watched people become uglier than I could ever imagine and for me, anything that brings out so much hatred, violence and cruelty can never, EVER be a good thing.

Perhaps at one time, there were good intentions with adoption. I know there are individuals I have been privileged to meet who had and have very good intentions and have adopted for the right reasons. But sadly, the majority of people I have encountered across the world of adoption, have impacted on me in a devastating way. These are the people who reinforce the reason why adoption has become as controversial as it is. These people are the proof adoption is vile and full of everything BUT goodness, love and compassion.

As a child and young adult, I have seen and been in the middle of war, revolution, terrorism, starvation, pain, poverty, death and more. My family have faced many trials and I myself have been through some awful experiences. But none of them have ever had the destructive power in my life in the same way adoption has. I have never felt the force of evil quite so much as I have with adoption. With the above experiences, they are validated as horrific and there are, sadly, many people throughout the world who have been impacted by these same experiences and the world, for the most part, recognises these experiences as being terrible and thus appropriate actions are taken (in some cases) to provide care and assistance.

But in adoption… oh no. Poverty is seen as an excuse to take another person’s family to satisfy the need and ugly desires of another to have their own family. Hardships are seized on almost with glee by those facilitating adoption and are exploited for the personal gain of others. Babies and children are ripped from the arms of women and families for the sake of another’s selfishness and the worst part, PEOPLE TURN A BLIND EYE TO THESE EVIL ACTIONS. The hypocrisy in adoption is absolutely astounding. The double standards forced on those less fortunate than others who for some reason feel they have the right to dictate another person’s life to them, is beyond unbelievable. It is shocking. The mass abuse of human rights that occurs with adoption is bad enough without people refusing to see the truth of it.

I see this in articles splashed through magazines and newspapers, throughout the world of blogging and in the general public. I have seen pure venom directed at people in forums and commentary on articles. It is pure ugliness.

When people try to tell me adoption is all about love, I think about what I have read and heard and I cannot see the love. Because at the end of the day, the actions of so many people, agencies and government bodies has drowned out the love. The positives. I also feel that love can never grow in places that are entirely self-oriented, lustful and desire something that will only cause pain and destruction to another human being. For me, the nature of Love is to build someone up, not tear them down.

It is not wrong to want to parent. It is not wrong to want to have a child. What you decide to do with these desires is what determines if what you choose is right or wrong. Perhaps there would be room for adoption if it was so drastically changed it no longer resembles the adoption of today however, like I have stated in the past, once you change certain legalities about adoption, it is no longer adoption but some other law.

I have learned much through this journey of exploring why adoption should be undone. I have discovered there is a lot of common ground out there with people who do not see themselves as being anti-adoption. It has been a rewarding experience to learn and grow with the discussions online and through email I have had with my readers on this topic.

However, at the end of the day, I come to the conclusion that adoption is built on such a rotten foundation without the focus on the child and their best interests (despite what it says) and therefore needs to be scrapped with something less ugly built in its place. I admit, some of this feeling comes from my own pain and experience I have suffered at the brutal hands of adoption however I have seen too much and learned too much to ever see adoption in a favourable light.

Before people jump on the soap box and question me about orphans and abused children, please, give it a rest. This is a tired, circular argument which in the scheme of things is just an excuse people use to get what they want. Most people who have used this argument are not adopting the abused or orphaned children of this world but are lusting after the child of another mother so I am really not going there with you.

Adoption is about loss. Period. And until people can face this, many will continue to see it in a good way. Until people are courageous enough to face the truth of adoption and its demons, adoption will continue with all the ugliness it ensues. I just pray one day, the truth will be so obvious it can no longer be ignored and people finally start re-evaluating this barbaric practise and its consequences.


  1. Love you too Myst!
    It's about greed, baby lust and selfish needs.Some don't care who they destroy, step over or hurt to get what they want and must have.
    For me some of the most horrendous stories have been about adopters who know their adoptees were kidnapped, stolen, trafficked and they do nothing to return them to their parents because they have paid for them in hard cash.Consumer society in America? I should say so.
    The adoption industry is immoral, corrupt and without defence.
    Good wishes to all who suffer from it's effects, may you survive and be strong.We have the advantage of having had the blindfold lifted from our eyes.
    Posting a link Myst hope that's ok.

  2. Myst ~ great post. I especially love what you say about the orphan/abused children argument.

    Thanks for using your eloquent words to spread the truth!


  3. Great post! I agree completely!

  4. Thanks everyone :) Love you guys too and thanks for teaching me so much!

    Myst xxx

  5. "The hypocrisy in adoption is absolutely astounding."

    Truer words were never spoken.

  6. The hypocrisy and selfishness of adoption hurts lost mothers, fathers and their children to the core.

    'As a child and young adult, I have seen and been in the middle of war, revolution, terrorism, starvation, pain, poverty, death and more. My family have faced many trials and I myself have been through some awful experiences. But none of them have ever had the destructive power in my life in the same way adoption has. I have never felt the force of evil quite so much as I have with adoption... But in adoption… oh no. Poverty is seen as an excuse to take another person’s family to satisfy the need and ugly desires of another to have their own family. Hardships are seized on almost with glee by those facilitating adoption and are exploited for the personal gain of others. Babies and children are ripped from the arms of women and families for the sake of another’s selfishness and the worst part, PEOPLE TURN A BLIND EYE TO THESE EVIL ACTIONS.'

    (((Myst))) you are an incredible person. Your words are needed and heard.

    Not only do they turn a blind eye, we suffer the hate and viciousness from those who don't want to see that their actions have caused irreparable damage.

    Losing your child to adoption is the worst pain I have ever known.

  7. I'm in the middle of a pro-lifers debate, and damn, is it ever UGLY.
    There are people who are saying "Well emotional abandonment isn't really abandonment because the mother gave up her child out of love."

    I pointed out: "No. That's wrong. You don't give up someone you love. If that was the case, are there any adoptive parents who are willing to give up their children? If you love your children so much, why not give them up. Surely there is always going to be someone better than you."

    Then the responder said something like: "That doesn't apply to all scenarios. Sometimes a mother has to give up her child because she loves her child so much and she feels she cannot raise her child properly. Besides, it's better to be alive than physically dead."

    And I said: "Well yes, but it doesn't matter how much love she has. If she doesn't have the resources/support, she's not going to be raising that child, is she? So it's not about how much she loves that child."

    And then the statement about being alive vs. physically dead - and pointing out how perceiving being emotionally abandoned isn't as bad as physically abandoned - headdesk.

    There is such ugliness in the adoption-world, but no one sees it because of the adoptive families. Or, they see it, but choose to believe it really isn't all that bad because at least adoptive families are being created.

  8. Hi SH,

    Yes, that is exactly the sort of ugliness I am talking about. The dialogues I see across the internet world which dismiss and belittle others experiences because "at least adoptive families are being created". This sentence is my case in point. The ugliness, the venom, the hatred is liberally spewed forthwith because certain people feel it is justified to protect their interests at all cost; even if that means attacking and hurting other human beings. Again, they prove there is no room for love in this eqaution because they have been so blinded by their own prejudices and views and if you dare try to point out, gently, firmly or whatever way their errors, they will attack you at full velocity.

    It hurts to see so mcuh damage, so much pain caused in so many people's lives because of a law that has been given more status than it deserves. Criminal.

    As for the whole debate of "she has to give up her child because she loves her child..." it is a lie. A bold faced lie. Giving away a person doesn't speak of love; to the other person it almost always says abandonment, rejection and most of all that they were not give enough to be kept. You can see this in all relationships to some degree, but nothing quite like in adoption.

    Again, adoption brings out the worst in people and it is just awful to see.

  9. You have taught me a great deal. It has not been easy to read some of the things you have written, but what about this subject is easy? While we are moving forward to adopt another orphaned child, it is not with the same ignorance about the institution of adoption as it was the very first time. I have had to look into my heart and see some things there that were ugly. Of course I don't want to be the "bad guy" in this equation.
    While I can say wholeheartedly that we truly desire the children with special needs that most people don't want, that doesn't mean ALL of our motives are pure.
    Adoption at large really is based on greed and I hate that. I never realized it until I met you. I was just ignorant and happily so.
    Thank you again for sharing from your heart. Your perspective has been key to mine shifting.

  10. I agree with Holly. As you know, Myst, it has been hard for me to read much of what you write. It's just painful coming to terms with a lot of my own feelings about adoption - feelings I didn't even know were there until this past year.

    As a bmother, I don't like being told that I did a "heroic" thing by placing my child. But at the same time, I think I get more angry hearing aparents labeled as "saviors". Obviously that's b/c of the view from where I'm sitting.

    Thanks for this post!

  11. Thank you for sharing these thoughts, I really appreciate your honesty and compassion on this issue. It's so brave of you to come forth and share this. I know I don't have those guts.

    I have been seriously considering adopting a child and am trying to do as much research as I can, including looking into reasons that I shouldn't adopt so blogs like yours are really helpful.

    There are lots of kinds of adoption though and it seems you are talking about an adoption that steals away children from mothers, which does indeed sound horrific. What are your thoughts on adopting orphans? Here me out, I know there are many children in my home country who are older and being bounced from foster home to foster home without a stable and loving family. I have worked with children in these situations and have had a cousin who was adopted at 9 years old out of this. I know, it is not an easy life for them even after adoption... but it hurts me to think of these children feeling so unloved.
    And I know there are orphans all over the world.

    I guess the problem with adopting international orphans is that they can be trafficked and it's hard to know if you're not getting a child who was ripped away from a family who loved him/her.

    The thing is, when I think of legitimate orphans and foster children within my country (of which certain reliable sources say there are 30,000), it drives me crazy to think that my friends can be so selfish as to want to have their own child without even considering adopting one of these children. I think willfully having a baby is terribly selfish, and I find it interesting that you say adoption is as well. Most people who want a baby want it for themselves and I can't see any difference between adoption and birth of any sort (natural birth, artificial insemination, surrogate mothers). It drives me crazy mad to think that these friends of mine would rather bring another hungry mouth into this over-populated planet than to adopt someone who struggles each and every day. People who don't have a home or a permanent family. How can people be so greedy? For what ends? Just to have someone who has your likeness? To show off to your friends?

    Anyways, I know your last couple paragraphs say you don't want to be asked about orphans so I'm sorry for all that. But I did want to share my thoughts on parenting in general with you. I really have enjoyed reading your blog and can feel your pain. I do want to help in some small way but I'm so confused by all that I've read.... ;,(

    1. Reply Part 1 - blogger only allows so many characters!
      Hi Kat,

      Thank you for your comment :)

      Yes, I am speaking about one specific type of adoption and that is stranger infant adoption... it is the most popular form of adoption and the most expensive.

      I know where you are coming from when you speak of adopting orphans. Don't get me wrong, I added that bit about orphans in the post as I have had many people who adopted have me on about that only to discover they haven't adopted an orphan but actively pursued infants still in their mother's bellies. Many persons who adopt like to use that argument and I grow tired of the hypocrisy.

      However, there are some who truly adopt pure orphans and I struggle to find reasons to be against that because at the end of the day I truly believe ALL children deserve a home and a family who will love them and care for them. All people deserve that so I get why when people see someone who comes across very "anti" adoption, it looks like we have lost the plot and are plain bat crazy.

      As I have written in other posts before, I used to believe the popular line in adoption before my eyes were opened to the reality. I wanted to adopt one day myself and dreamed of all these children a-la Angelina Jolie style however I would never ever dream of that now.

      I feel if there was a way we could give a child everything they needed without the need to re-write their history and take them from their culture etc, that would be ideal. There will always be a need for some sort of institution to care for children outside of their natural (as in nature/born to) families however adoption seeks to do it in a way that is not positive and not in the best interests of the child.

      Having a child is a natural instinct in the human race. I understand how you feel about over-population... although that is really only an issue in certain parts of the world and the opposite is true for other parts. For example, Australia and New Zealand have an aging population and not enough younger generations. Adopting from another country wouldn't change that fact. It would mix cultures and the child would lose his/her culture in the process.

      Natural birth is natural. But anything from there is where the line is blurred. Anything where one must seek human intervention to create life artificially is where it gets messy and steps outside the natural boundaries. I have not been in the position of being unable to have a child so I will not judge those who go down some of those paths ie IVF because I have experienced being pregnant and birthing myself. But I am dead against using others to produce a life - surrogacy, artificial insemination, adoption of infants. Using others to get what wants crosses a multitude of boundaries and is essentially thinking only of the adults. It is intentionally creating a baby whereas many children naturally born to parents can be accidental - my first born who I lost to adoption certainly was not planned - neither was the rape that put her there! But nonetheless, she was conceived and came to be in this world. I chose not to abort because I am essentially against abortion as well although do not judge others who chose that path as I can understand their reasons.

    2. (Reply Part 2)
      I am sorry I am dragging this out - currently sick so my brain is all over the place lol.

      Basically I feel you are a kind hearted person who wants to give a child who needs a home that opportunity. Have you looked into permanent foster care or adopting through foster care? While not fond of the adoption side of it, there are children who will never be allowed to go home to their families and they need a home and someone to love them. If done with the child's best interests at the heart, foster care adoptions can be a blessing for the child and the adoptive family although they don't happen without some challenges of their own.

      As I do not know what part of the world you are in (apologies) I am not sure what is available to you as I am only really aware of what is available in New Zealand and Australia.

      I hope I haven't confused you further. Happy to discuss more via email if you like :) I can be contacted at myst1998@hotmail.com

      Thanks again for your comment - always very appreciative of new comments that question me without attacking me! :)


Comments are on. Polite, respectful discussion is welcome. Abuse will not be tolerated. Thanks :)