03 June 2010

Missing You

Some days, like today, for no reason at all, I can feel you; as if you are standing right next to me… and I miss you, miss you more than I do on all those other days I miss you. Like a ghost, I can feel your hand reaching out to me and I want to fold you in my arms and inhale your unique and precious scent.

Your smile has become like a drug to me. I stare at your pictures for hours, wishing our next encounter would be now and not in a mere number of weeks. I thought seeing you more often in a year would be enough but I find myself addicted to you, wanting more, never feeling satisfied with our time. And the person I crave is the you of now… not the baby I longed for so many years but the beautiful girl with long dark hair; the big beautiful brown eyes that almost mirror mine and your little sister’s.

I ache just to hear about the mundane things in your life, the little things. The books you have read, the songs you adore, your favourite movies, your friends; the silliness and innocence of pre-teen life.

I miss you so much… and it really hurts. I could never tell you this as I wouldn’t want to burden you but it has to come out or sometimes I feel it would swallow me and I am doing so well right now. I love you.

Mama xxx

10 comments:

  1. Big hug Myst...nothing else I can do except understand and tell you so.

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  2. Oh my.

    I have been avoiding adoption blogs since my new baby was born and then I come back to read this. My heart aches as I live these very words in my own life right now.

    Many hugs to you from a mama who knows just how you feel, right down to the big brown eyes and long dark hair...

    M.

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  3. Myst,

    Thanks for this post! Immediately after reading it I deleted a draft email that I was debating about sending to my son. I do not want to burden him with my sadness & longing either.

    I have been feeling the same as you lately. Suppose it's in the air? Perhaps the alignment of starts & the planets? I think it's time to get my journal going again, somewhere to put all my feelings and thoughts so that I am not tempted to send them my son's way.

    Hugs & understanding, Susie

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  4. Hugs and love to you sweet Myst. Thinking of you today.

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  5. Thanks Von :) Some days it just hits harder... Sometimes I wonder if its because maybe (just maybe) she's thinking of me? We used to be very linked but as time has gone by I am not so sure how linked we are... as we are not with each other enough.


    Hopefully, I will see her next month :)

    Luv Myst xxx

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  6. ((((M))))

    Congrats on your little girl! That is fabulous news!

    I understand that ache only too well... it is really hard!! Don't really have many words of wisdom to offer except to be kind to yourself and send you lots of love and hugs.

    Luv Myst xxx

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  7. Hi Susie :)

    Thanks for your comment...

    It is a hard line to know when to draw isn't it? On one hand we want our children to know how much they are loved, missed and wanted and yet I know from discussions with some of my friends who were adopted, that telling them doesn't always help them as it makes them feel they have expectations they are afraid they may not live up too or they are uncomfortable with it. Oh the horrors of adoption... they are neverending!!

    I hope you find the right words to say to your son and YES journals are a life saver!! Some of my journals make me look like I am going insane with all the grief I have laid out through the pages (LOL). But... better there than on our childrens' heads where it might be misunderstood for expectation as that is the last thing I'd want for Amber.

    Luv Myst :)

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  8. Awwww, thanks Christina xxx You are a sweetie. Hope things are well with you and your gorgeous kiddies.

    Luv Myst xxx

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  9. This is painfully beautiful. I respect your restraint in sharing your inner turmoil with your child. You have touched my family in such a tender way...I so wish that I could return that somehow. I hope next month's meeting comes to fruition and that time flies in the meantime! And sending more hugs...

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  10. Thank you Diane. Your family has also touched me profundly... the fact you are so open with your children... adoption as it should be, with honesty (yes, I did just say that!! LOL). Visits are always a difficult time so I guess I iwll have to see what happens. She wasn't herself last time as she was grieving loss and death in her adoptive family for the first time and I think seeing me made it that much harder on her... I wish I had known that or else I wouldn't have asked for the visit!

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