03 July 2010

Authenticity - my lack of

I am a fraud. My life is based on fraud. And I can't do it anymore.

We have another visit tomorrow and all I want to do is tell A the truth and that I can no longer play this game of lies and pretend. It has been going on for 8 years. 8 years I have played this game and I cannot do it.

Part of me waking up and wanting to live again means I want to be authentic and with the existence of this situation, there is no way I can be authentic. I feel as though I betray myself and my beliefs every time I have a visit. Every time I sit there pretending everything is just fine. But in reality, it isn't. It never has been and it can never be.

I don't want anymore visits. I want her in my life but in a way that is free and honest. To spend time without all the chains wrapped around us, ensnaring and trapping us in a game of make believe. I don't want to sit with THEM, the perpetrators of the crime, the liars, those who stole, yes, LITERALLY stole my child with the aid of money and a crooked judge. Haven't I played this game long enough?

And then there is her. My girl. Stuck in the middle of this. She didn't ask for it anymore than I did and her voice was never heard and is still drowned out. How can I walk away from her knowing she will not be allowed to see me without them tagging along? Yet, I know for the sake of my family that are here and now, I need to let her go. I need to do what I have never been able to do and accept she is no longer my girl. That is all gone. She never can be mine again because of the nature of adoption. It severs everything in all possible ways. Its poison kills off any chances. I see no hope, no chances and so why should I continue with this farcical game? How can any of this help her when we don't even talk? Even with reunions I have read about and see, I see only more pain ahead, no hope of anything being real. I will always be just her birther, her womb-for-rent, her abandoner. Which means I am nothing to her.

Today is a dark, dark day. I cannot see the sun through the clouds, cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want to withdraw into a cave and never come out. Pain hovers too closely and I lack the strength to continually hold it off. Why did anyone think adoption could be a thing of beauty when all I have ever seen it do is cause more anguish than anything else...

18 comments:

  1. Oh, Myst... I feel as though I should apologize for being first to comment on your post. You know...

    Lacking any organic insight into what you're going through, I want to tell you not to let go of the notion of her as your girl. Isn't she really, in the native way? And won't she always be so, regardless of circumstance?

    I'm deeply, deeply sorry you're in so much pain. I would help if I could.

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  2. Myst,

    You are not a fraud and your life is not based on fraud. You lost your daughter to adoption and to the unethical actions of other people. You may not be able to share all that you want to share with her right now, so that you can see her and so that she can see you.

    You are her mother and you always will be. No one can ever take that from you. You were not just the womb who carried and birthed her. You are a mother who loves her daughter, and that brings a spiritual mother-daughter connection rivaled by nothing else.

    As an adoptee I can tell you that I love, value and cherish my [First] Mother and I wish every mother who has lost a child to adoption to feel that way, loved, valued, and cherished. You are important. You are not replaceable.

    I know there's nothing I can say that will make you feel better. I wish I could. You are a strong, beautiful mother with the weight of the world on her shoulders.

    (((((hugs)))))

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  3. Oh, Myst....Please don't give up. I would give anything to have my first Mom want me.

    Im afraid that if you stop going, even though it is excruciating, her a monsters will use it against you.

    Adoptees are pretty good at reading people- she more than likely already knows what is going on.

    Please don't walk away...it's what THEY want- not what your daughter wants. It is just a matter of time before she will be free of them.

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  4. I am in reunion with my son and his children are about the same age as your daughter. Up to now they have not known who I really am because my son's amom did not want them to be "confused." Anyway on my last visit the eldest piped up and asked, how did daddy know me?

    They now plan on explaining me to the kids, amom notwithstanding.

    My point is that your daughter is now exactly the age to grasp that you are a part of her life needing an explaination. Hang in there for her sake and get your emotions out here on your blog. You can do it!

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  5. Why do the a-parents have to be with her when you visit? If I remember correctly, she's approaching my daughter's age (13), I think? It's demoralizing for her and you, and a teen especially doesn't need this kind of supervision. (Apologize if I have her age wrong.) Will it change as she gets older?

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  6. I'm so sorry. Don't give up. I know it's so difficult, but for your daughter to know that you care and are there for her will pay off in the long run. Thinking of you.

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  7. Morning everyone...

    I feel a little better this morning but still not great.

    Thank you all for your kind comments and being so compassionate... reading the comments has been a booster.

    This has to be the worst pre-visit I've ever had! I have never been so ill and have been on the toilet most of the night and I am not sick, just full of angst.

    I think Jessica, you have hit it right. Seeing her aps is more than demoalising, for me its like taking tea with my torturer and pretending I really enjoy it. As for Amber, (yes, she is 12 and a half), it is difficult because she is doesn't feel free to talk to me and so she just stares at me and we have an intense two hours of denying ourselves a chance to really get to know each other while I play games with her ap's.

    As for things changing in the future... I doubt it. The only change would be if I were to do something to "upset" them (as in skirt too near the truth) and then they would prevent me from seeing her altogether.

    Her adopters, my parents and I all got together to talk about future visits last year... Male adopter took it over as he likes to do (control freak) and immediately ruled out any possibility of visits with her on her own including sleepovers creating some ridiculous lie as to why she isn't allowed to have sleepovers. At age 12!!!

    Part of this anguish is knowing that because of the emotional turmoil I go through when I am having to see them, my other tow children sense it (as much as I try to hide it) and it affects them. Eg. A couple of visits back, my six year old went up to male adopter and asked him why had he adopted Amber and then said that it was bad. Not because of anything I have said to her but because she is so tuned into where I am at. Its scary and I hate that she, who was born years after this deed was done, is now caught up in this because her sister cannot be allowed to interact with us normally. The whole thing sux and I just don't know where to pull it out of me anymore. I have only ever done it for Amber's sake so she can know I love her and it is the only thing that keeps me there now because I would never want her to feel I am not seeing her because of HER, she doesn't deserve that... what a tangled web! :(

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  8. Ugh,
    Sorry about all the typos! Not thinking right today :(

    Will post later when its done.

    Myst xxx

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  9. You know... that if you "back out" of your open adoption agreement, everyone (generally speaking) will just see this as another reason to further perpetuate the stereotype that the "birth mother" just didn't really care after all. :\

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  10. Myst, I've been thinking of you and this post, and it occurs to me that you are being completely authentic with her in the moment. Although the deceit you're forced to contend with (by her adopters) prevents you from having an open, honest, 'cards on the table' relationship with your oldest daughter, you are being authentic with her in the midst of the insanity swirling around you. The fact that you continue to show up for visits, that you continue to battle the tangled web in order to see her, that you put yourself through such anguish for her and so she doesn't think you're not seeing her because of HER tells her a great deal about the authentic you. She may have already picked up on some of the toxic vibes her adopters send your way. Each time she sees you she becomes wiser. Each time, new awareness dawns. Each time, she understands herself a little better. And each time, she learns more of you. She may read more than you realize in your face, the weight of your words, and how you carry yourself. Especially as she matures, she may recognize your strength, determination, dedication, love, and courage, even if she "can't" say so with her adopters there. Myst, she has regrettably little of you to hold on to. What you put yourself through to keep some connection with her... that's authentic. 100%. I grew up with my mother, and she never fought a tenth as hard for me as you do for her. You're a beautiful spirit. You can do this. I'm just sorry you have to.

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  11. Your writing is so full of honesty, thank you for it.
    I can't imagine how horrible this just feel...so sorry.
    You are a strong woman and mother to love your child so much to keep visiting through this...one day she will thank you for not giving up. It will be her most valued gift in life.
    The thing that I hang on to is the fact my first Mother searched for me and loved me...even through the pain. I so hope you will get encouragement to stay strong for her, yourself, and your other children on this journey of restoration of what was lost. She needs you and your whole family needs her...hugs to you.

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  12. Sally... Thank you so much for your words, they warmed me so much. I do hope you are right and that one day we will be free from the chains we currently have tangling us.

    Thank you too Peach, I don't feel strong, far from it. I feel weak, like I have just thrown the world's largest selfpity party and I don't deserve all the love and compassion I have just received. But I thank you and everyone else who has commented here today. I am lucky to have so many wonderful people out there sending me such support. I am truly humbled.

    Myst xxx

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  13. Are you confident this will change at 18?

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  14. My sons abductors forbade him to have sleepovers at any time in his teens. Even at age 22 he had a curfew. They forbade him from attending a university or college outside their city (meanwhile the 2 children of their own, had full permission to go anywhere.

    People like this hold our children captive. They are so scared of "losing" what they stole, because they KNOW FULL WELL that our child does not belong to them!

    Keep fighting. Keep telling the truth about the abduction, and it is possible that some day you WILL get your daughter back. I got my son back.

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  15. Oh Myst, I am so sorry. You are not having a pity party. You are riding on a downward slope of the adoption roller-coaster.

    I am so glad that you are able to put your reality "out there" for people to read. For people to get a glimpse at the reality of life as a mom without her child due to adoption.

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  16. Hello everyone,

    I just want to say how amazing you all are and how appreciative I am to have so many supportive people surrounding me online. Saturday was indeed one of my darkest days ever and I truly felt so low I wouldn't get through the next day.

    With the love of the messages I got here and my family, I managed to get through and as a result have had the most amazing thing happen ever... not sure how I will blog about it so watch this space! (or the blog rather lol)

    Thank you again :)

    Myst xxx

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  17. I must admit, that this is the place where I am at the moment. I just want to erase adoption in my life. We are in two different places, despite our children being the same age. My daughter just found out she was adopted, and hates me. I've considered many times to erase all evidence from my life. I feel like a fraud. Like a failure. Like my light will never shine again.

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  18. ((((Heather))))

    I have sent you an email in response...

    Luv Myst xxx

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