20 July 2010

The little things do matter

Two mornings ago I woke having dreamed intensively all night. The last dream was the one that really stuck with me and I can still recall it now as I sit down to type this.

I have been very close with all three of my children; and each one of them has shown from birth how unique they are, right from the beginning.

This dream was more of a flash back than anything but as it involved scenes I was not present for, I can only assume I was in some state of sleep otherwise I would not have felt like it was a dream.

It started with a memory of A and I together, in the days after she had been discharged from the hospital. We slept in the same room, and had done so the moment I was allowed to take her out of the nursery in hospital. She had this peculiar little noise she would make; a little like snuffling but not really that either. It was a noise that indicated she was not settled and it is was rather loud. I loved it. Absolutely loved it because it was my cue to scoop her up out of her crib and lay her in my arms close to my chest and I would nuzzle her head as we would fall asleep. Miraculously, whenever I did this, the noises would cease and we would sleep like that, in silence, until she woke hungry, or as happened a few times, we would wake drenched in my milk! Still, after we were dry or after she was fed, we would resume this sleeping pattern and all would be quiet.

My dream took me on to my other two children where we had similar patterns. Noodle (my next daughter), never had the noise but she was happiest sleeping next to me in her crib, or later as she got older, in my arms. She didn't sleep in her own bed until she was four years old and moved in there of her own accord... once she was ready.

Then came our little Dude and his favourite place was on my left hand side, just above my breast where he could hear my heart beat. I discovered this shortly after his birth when the nurses and midwives had left us to try and attempt sleep (as it was after midnight when he was born) and he started making the same noises his biggest sister had made. Again, I scooped him out of his plastic hospital box, undid my night shirt and lay him on my bare shoulder. We fell into a blissful slumber.

From this point of my dream, I went into scenes not part of my memory bank and I only know this occurred because of what I was told by my daughter's adopters.

Not long after she was taken out of my arms, in fact within a day or two, her noises so precious to me and a sign of what she needed became too much for them to cope with... and so she was placed in a room, a strange, cold room, all alone. No rhythmic breathing to signal I was there. No sweet smell of milk to let her know comfort was on hand. Before I woke with a tear drenched face, I could hear her in that room, all alone and it tore at me in a way I could never explain. I wish I could have walked into that room right then, gather her up and fled that house. Instead, I got to wake up.

When I woke, it hurt to breathe. Guilt overwhelmed me in waves. My little girl so happy and secure with me one moment only to be taken by strange arms with strange smells and foreign voices the next. I shudder at the thought of how her little mind coped with it.

Now it is still there, this sense of closeness. She doesn't even understand it herself. She melts into me whenever she touches me; it really shows how the small things in life really do matter. All this from a noise... and a bond that no man and no woman should ever, ever have interfered with.

6 comments:

  1. (((Myst)))

    And then there are adopters/baby brokers who state babies don't know their Mothers. Its amazing how they will lie to themselves.

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  2. Love you all.
    Myst when I was 50 and sat down with my mother for the first time on a tree stump in a park, we were side by side and recognised each other in a way not explainable, the mother and child bond apparent after all those years.

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  3. Thank-you Linda, Christina and Von for your comments :)

    Linda - I agree with you. The lies they tell themselves are staggering but I still think deep down they know they are lies. I wouldn't want to be in their heads!

    Christina - Luv you too :) And hugs right back at you.

    Von - Luv you as well! Wow, that is amazing Von. I am thrilled you had that experience.

    I am grateful to my adoptee friends for helping me see how things are and could be through my daughter's eyes. You have really helped me and as such will be helping her and I am eternally grateful (lol, there's that favourite word) for you all.

    xxx

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  4. hugs to you ((Myst)) I wish you could have gone in and grabbed her and taken her home too.

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  5. Myst, I'm sure the bond she feels with you reaches all the way to the bewildered infant inside her, cradling, healing, and loving her as only you can.

    I don't know how her adoptive parents justify themselves to each other. Sickening.

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