25 July 2010

"Paper" Pregnant?

Recently I had the unfortunate experience of discovering new terms in adoption whereby a woman announces she is “paper” pregnant. What the? How can anyone be ‘paper’ pregnant?

Apparently, it is the term women use to announce the fact they have decided to adopt and are in the process of filling out the paperwork. Yes, you read that right. They are equating pregnancy to filling out paperwork. (Only in the deluded fantasy world of adoption would one see such idiocy).

According to several dictionaries, being pregnant means to be “having young developing inside the womb”. Paper means: “thin flat material which is made from crushed wood or cloth and is used for writing, printing or drawing on”. So I cannot see how these two words can be jammed together to create a logical term.

Adoption is bad enough but now we have to contend with insecure women who feel the need to steal the experience of being pregnant and downplay it to a piece of paper? There is so much more to being pregnant than just making a decision to have a child. There is so much more to being pregnant than just the baby showers and joy as one waits to deliver her baby.

Pregnancy is a complex PHYSICAL process and should never be degraded to another level just to make people feel better about not being able to experience it. I will never understand exactly what it is like to NOT be pregnant. I have seen many people experience this to know it is incredibly painful however, I also know these women who would never dare downplay the experience of someone else just to make themselves feel better.

The process of adoption is NOTHING like pregnancy. Yes, many emotions are involved but it is incredibly insensitive and insulting to equate the two. Being pregnant is giving life, bringing a child into the world. Adoption, especially infant adoption and today’s styles of adoption, is about encouraging family separation, money making, pain, loss and a host of other experiences I would want nothing to do with and would never play any part in.

Being pregnant is also about risk. Physical risk. It is not a matter of becoming pregnant and giving birth 10 months (9 months is a fallacy given pregnancy to term is on average 38-42 weeks long) later. No there are three stages of being pregnant and THEN there is the labour and THEN the birth. All very different stages. And everyone experiences these things differently.

Not all embryos survive and many pregnant women experience a nail-biting first trimester as they battle morning sickness, extreme tiredness, back aches, cramps plus a load more waiting to see if their much wanted and loved babies (official word: foetus) make it to the next trimester. When we make it through, there are the invasive tests; blood tests, scans, sugar level tests, tests than can involve needles through the belly etc to ensure the foetus is developing. I have had many friends who have suffered miscarriages at different stages and I have had one at a very, very early stage and it can be a devastating time.

Then there are women who are told their child may not make it and thus spend their entire pregnancy in hospital being poked and prodded and tested as they wait and see what will happen when their child is born.

During the second trimester, we do get to see our child through ultrasound, we do get to feel them moving inside us and an amazing physical, spiritual and physical experience can occur for many women: bonding.

Making it through to the third trimester is a relief as most mothers understand their unborn baby could make it if they were to give birth now.

It is also a very uncomfortable time and for some mothers it can be risky. Pregnancy induced diabetes, elevated blood pressure which can fast turn into a medical emergency known as pre- and full blown eclampsia where the mother’s life and sometimes the baby’s life is at risk. It is a time of needing to sit on the toilet constantly, nausea can return, size makes it difficult to walk far, breathing can become more difficult due to cramped space within the mother’s body and the list could stretch on. And this is just from the mother’s experience let alone the baby’s.

Next, it is time for baby to make their appearance and sometimes this is spontaneous and natural and at other times it is difficult and needs medical intervention. Labour is not easy and can be excruciating and drugs do not always work. Many complications can occur during labour and indeed I know to well what these can be.

Finally, the birth occurs. Yes, it is a joyous moment where mama and baby finally get to meet each other; a reward for all their hard work. But to get there? It is a harrowing journey for the newborn and painful for the mother. I have heard many horror stories of birth and have had my own and so holding your baby at the end feels like a huge reward for getting through to the other side. And it is all worth it. Except for some mothers, their baby is snatched away from them for no reason AT ALL except to satisfy the desire of strangers to have a baby. The very natural process of being pregnant and giving birth is interrupted by this unnatural, man created law known as adoption.

To then take all these experiences and then to insult them by claiming to be pregnant on paper is incredible. A person wanting to adopt should have worked past the need to take part in the pregnant/birth stage and be looking at the REAL issues of what adoption means. The loss, the pain, the lifetime of being forever linked to another family whether you want to be or not.

Yes, pregnancy is a joyous experience but please do not insult women who have actually gone through with it and claim to be “paper” pregnant because there is NO. SUCH. THING. The reason so many people adopt is because they CAN’T be pregnant and so they should DEAL WITH THAT and not create fantasies for themselves as it is really very unhealthy for them and any child they adopt.

Finally, if people really want to continue with the whole paper pregnant routine; please remember that at the end of it all, you will only be a paper parent.

20 comments:

  1. LOL Christina :) I just HAD to do more than comment after reading that blog... I have seen this too many places and it drives me insane. Its bad enough they take our babies, do they have to make our precious momennts with our children so invalid by claiming they are nothing more than the same as filling in paperwork?? GAH!! (insert extreme list of expletives here)

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  2. Please consider this an invitation to keep your cruel comments off of my blog. It must be difficult for you to live with so much hurt and anger, but you can keep it to yourself.

    We all have our pain. You don't even know me and yet you judged, smeared, slandered me on your blog and have no idea how deeply you wounded my spirit and the many others you hurt in the process.

    Just because your uterus functions and mine is barren does not mean that I should not be a parent to one or two of the 143 million orphans in the world. Perhaps you should concentrate on being a good mother to your children instead of trying to steal the joy of parenting from infertile women.

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  3. Wow, talk about over reaction Stacy. I did NOT slander you, smear you or any such thing, I merely told you the truth. If you have an inability to hear that, then that is your issue and not mine.

    You are so threatened by my ability to reproduce you have to lie and make up things about someone to make youself feel better. I feel sorry for any child you adopt. I have not stolen anyone's joy and yes, I am a great mother, thanks :) (Oh yeah, to MY children, I didn't have to steal that from someone first)

    And last I looked, most people like you are waiting for a womb-wet baby to adopt so DON'T give me that BS about adopting an "orphan" because you and I both know that is full of crap!

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  4. Incidentally Stacy, I never wrote anything about personally on MY blog. I wrote this post about the term in general and how sickening it is.

    Your accusations about me writing about you, slandering you etc are totally unfounded so I am really puzzled why you felt the need to make that up.

    I can live with my crap, but its you who cannot or you wouldn't feel the need to adopt. Instead, you would be trying to help families stay together where possible by whatever means possible. All that money you throw at having a child you can call YOURS, you could be investing in the families struggling to stay together; not waiting in the wings to get what you want.

    And please, please, please do not kid yourself that you are doing God's work or will. At the end of the day, adoption as it is in the bible and what your meaning of adoption is are worlds apart. God would NEVER advocate adoption of today and in fact He grieves to see so many people ripping apart and destroying families to get what they want. God is a natural father remember, He created us and therefore is not adopting us but re-adopting us as adults when we choose to belong again. I am sorry you have become so blinded by your pain and anger at the natural way life works that you feel the need to take it out on others, but please, deal with that and as you requested, keep your nasty comments to yourself.

    Ciao!

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  5. Oh, my....these Paps all have uterine envy. Its so sad that they will do anything to pretend they can reproduce...even mocking women who actually CAN.

    Stacy, save your crap for your infertile friends. Adoptees and first Moms laugh at you and your desperation.

    If you truly wanted to be a parent, you would adopt a waiting child from foster care. But that's not good enough, is it? You want to huff the amniotic fluid off another woman's child....so sad.

    You were not "slandered". You are not the fist desperate pap to use this despicable term, and you wont be the last...but you will be mocked by first Moms and adoptees. It's a joke.

    Pffftttt. Pap entitlement. Its so sad.

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  6. Ha!! I just read her blog and it is the same as all the other PAP blogs...Desperate, sick and disgusting.

    It's more of the same ole tired song and dance, that some "god" allows the suffering of a young vulnerable woman so another, more deserving(NOT)can have their way.

    The comments on her blog are even funnier. "YOUR babies??" What a joke! I can't read too much of that idiocy, truly.

    I feel the desire to vomit every time I even read a little of it...

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  7. Stacy, Stacy, Stacy. Are you so defensive about your own actions that you'd come to Myst's blog and accuse her of slander?

    You jumped down my throat too on my blog saying that I'd been judgemental and cruel in my comments to you. See, the thing is, I never said anything to you on your blog that could be construed as being cruel...you came to my blog at my urging and began telling me how wrong I was and how you're SO different than other AP's out there. It was only after I responded to that comment that you jumped on me and told me that I live a life void of joy and hope.

    I think you just proved the point that you AREN'T different than the AP's who feel entitled to a child..no matter how many times you write about how you understand about the loss an adoptee will feel.

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  8. Well said Christina. I agree with you :)

    She doesn't know you to have said your life is void of love and hope and yet she accuses you of being judgemental? Transferrance, much?

    Love you!

    Myst xxx

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  9. Wow, Stacy. Perhaps you should pay attention to what Myst says. You could learn a lot.

    'It must be difficult for you to live with so much hurt and anger, but you can keep it to yourself.'

    Yes, it is very difficult to live with the agony of being separated unwillingly from our child. It also hurts our child. But it's all about you, isn't it? Your pain. Your inability to cope and accept that you cannot have children of your own. Your delusional idea that you can in any way be thought to be considered pregnant. BTW, infertility does not give you the right to take another woman's child. You are making an innocent child pay for your pain. Don't give me that crap about orphans, either. Only a womb-fresh baby will do for the likes of you.

    Keep it to ourselves? Why?? To make you feel better? Mothers/Fathers and their children are no longer willing to maintain their silence. We are no longer going to suffer quietly for what was done to separate us and our children. Inconvenient, isn't it?

    '...and the many others you hurt in the process.'

    That's really amusing. Have you bothered to look at yourself and your actions? The actions of those who pay to obtain a baby 'as if' their own. Have you not once thought of the pain that results directly from your actions? For the mother and her child? Oh, but you're different, right? "Your" child won't feel that way. Honey, you have a lot to learn.

    The entitlement coming from you is sickening. You are not a mother. If you were, you would know instinctively that your actions are not those of a loving mother, who always puts her child first. A mother puts her needs aside for her child. You seem to expect that any child you obtain will put your needs first. Make you feel better about yourself. Sweetheart, that isn't how it works.

    Do you honestly believe that those who are adopted will thank their adopters for severing their true identity, cutting them off from their rightful heritage and true family?

    BTW, I am a fabulous mom to all my children. That knowledge, and my daughter's adopters need to maintain their false status and the lies they have fed her her whole life, is probably why they are threatened by my very existence and the truth I represent. Their insecurity is so profound they have instructed their baby broker to threaten me with a restraining order should I expose their lies to my daughter. They believe I don't have the *right* to love my child. God forbid she loves her mother. Lovely individuals, dontcha think?

    They don't give a damn that my daughter will be devastated by THEIR actions. They simply don't want her to become aware of their true role in her needless adoption. They don't want her to know that her MOTHER loves her and wanted her. Everyone else (me) can go to hell.

    I am very, very worried about my daughter's wellbeing in their presence. They are concerned with themselves. They don't care if she suffers and has to cope with the pain and anger of being separated from her mother. They certainly don't want her to voice that pain. According to those like yourself, she should just keep it to herself, right? After all, they paid for her, they should be able to do as they wish with their property. They want her to believe she was 'abandoned'. That isn't love. That is pure selfishness.

    But it's always about the adopter, isn't it?

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  10. ((((Lissa)))) Beautifully said. I absolutely agree, pure selfishness and yes, the entitlement is staggering. Your daughter's adopters are whacked as well. How anyone could be so cruel and hateful to a child they are supposed to have loved and nurtured is beyond me. Really goes to show how adoption never was and never will be about the child. I love how they keep proving this; just wish th rest of society wasn't blinded by the "dazzling" colours adoption projects (to keep the underbelly hidden) so they could see it too.

    Have't seen you around for a while, hope you are doing okay. Sending lots of love,
    Myst xxx

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  11. People need to be more respectable to these poor helpless paps. I mean, they're literally at the end of their rope. Gene pool apocalypse. Desperately waiting for the parents of babies to die (or look the other way so they can Snatch 'em). These poor helpless hopeless creatures who feed off of their own diseased hearts crying about their own desperation so that they can't see beyond their greed and selfishness. Working so hard to pay lawyers and agencies so that they can be a paper parent, and live in the delusional world where they can do everything to pretend and lie and make believe that someone else got pregnant with THEIR baby. Okay, I talked myself out of the respectable thing. Carry on.

    I love your comment((Myst)) about paper parent!!

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  12. Heather! You had me cracking up, that was great!! Yes, it really is like that isn't it?? The whole " you were meant to have MY baby" thing; shows sheer entitlement oozing out of every pore. If it wasn't quite so disgusting, one could almost feel sorry for them and laugh it off. Seriously, I cannot see how they can believe that "God" would make a woman get raped, die in an accident, be killed etc all or simply be badgered to make a decision she doesn't want to make but is cornered into it and threatened JUST so they can get THEIR baby. Again, delusional. You would really have to have severe issues with the ability to accept reality to become like this. Again, adoption showing how it has become another form of materialism; "I can't get it the natural way, I'll buy it because I have to have it!!"

    And yes, I wish I could claim the "paper parent" comment but I saw it somewhere else and thought it fit perfectly with this!

    Hugs,
    Myst

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  13. (((Myst))) My daughters a-rents are astoundingly deluded and selfish:-( They want her to believe their lies. I have pleaded with them to be honest with her. To RESPECT her. I greatly fear the pain she will suffer when she learns that the people who raised her have withheld the truth from her. I have refuted their lies and have backed it up. I suppose the facts get in the way of their insecurities. They *refuse to allow* me to tell her the truth of the circumstances surrounding her needless adoption. They are deliberately hiding HER truth from her and have threatened me to accomplish that. I suspect they fear that my daughter will start to question why so much doesn't add up. In their minds, their lies are justifiable because it supports THEIR selfish wishes. ack

    I second Heatherrainbow - LOVE the comment 'paper parent'. If certain individuals are going to throw that crap in our faces, then let's call it what it is: You are not a mother... just a 'paper' figure.

    It is truly astonishing women would declare themselves'paper' pregnant. How sad they would lie to themselves to the point where they could actually convince themselves that they are pregnant.

    These women deliberately demean and dismiss mothers and their pregnancies out of hate and... what? Jealousy? Another comment Stacy spewed out was interesting: '...trying to steal the joy of parenting from infertile women'.

    "Trying to steal the joy of parenting"? No owes you their baby!!! Umm... you are NOT a mother if you did not have a child yourself. What about the mother's right to keep their baby? What about the child's right to remain with their family and not be forced to live a lie? The bond between a mother and her child is sacred.

    If you are infertile, that is YOUR problem. You have no right to make a child and their mother suffer because you have issues. Who do you think you are to cause a mother and her child so much pain and anguish because you want to make yourself feel better?

    I am so sick of hearing about their *pain*. Are they kidding? They have no clue what pain is. Losing a *potential* child doesn't begin to equate with losing YOUR child.

    I feel horrible for any innocent child she manages to acquire. That poor thing:-(

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  14. ((Myst)) Glad I made you laugh!! Another thing I saw recently is this:

    "What some legal kidnappers seem to forget when they are picking out their child is that they are taking a human being away from their roots and heritage, and historically, from the beginning of time, human beings have always had the desire to discover their heritage. Whatever lies are told to the child about their birth parents will be untold in due time whether the adopter likes it or not."
    http://www.stateintervention.com/2010/06/youre-not-my-real-mum-and-dad.html

    ((Lissa)) Definitely! And, here's another thing... I was writing to my daughter on a blog, because I had been axed out of her life without reason. I was told so many lies. Then, my daughter found the blog, and they accused me of taking this away from them, because they had never told her she was adopted. So, me, having a blog, took away their inherent right of paper "parenthood" to lie to my daughter and never tell her the truth. Unfortunately, they are continuing to brainwash her, but now at least she knows one truth. One day she will seek more. And there is nothing they can do about it.

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  15. ((Heatherrainbow)) loved your post, btw;-)

    Oh yes... the lies:-( It never ends, does it?

    Ha! The adopters accused YOU of 'taking this away from THEM'. That's rich. What about you and your child?! Have they not once looked at their actions. Do they not care their actions are hurting her? omg... they didn't tell her she was adopted?! So, essentially, they feel you didn't have the right to expose their LIES. Lies they wanted her to believe in order for them to maintain their false status. Of course! It's all about them. And yet they CONTINUE to lie to her? How do they justify that to themselves?

    I am glad to hear that your daughter knows the truth:-) I read this somewhere: 'The worst thing about being lied to is knowing you weren't worth the truth'. Your daughter will be relieved that her mom respected her and showed her kindness and love by being honest with her. That concept eludes most adopters, unfortunately.

    I suspect it finally occurs to adopters that their little adoptling will become an adult and question why so much doesn't make sense. Why do they have such a need to manipulate and control another person? Frightening.

    It then becomes a threat to them when "their" child wants to find their mother and father. Wouldn't they do everything in their power to help that person? Don't they want them to be happy? oh wait...

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  16. Okay I just left a comment on a really old post here, but now I've been reading posts and had to leave another one because I find everything you're saying so interesting!!!

    I will re-ask the question I asked earlier here: what about adopting true orphans? Ones who truly have no family? (I ask this because we are in the process of adopting a little girl from Ethiopia who is a true orphan and would be forced to spend the rest of her childhood institutionalized if she weren't adopted...and there are 4.5 million orphans in Ethiopia alone)

    We certainly don't feel "entitled" to her...and we are able to have children naturally but we really felt called to care for a child that was already born and needed the love of parents!!!

    We really believe what James 1:27 says: "Pure and undefiled religion before the Lord is this...that you take care of orphans and widows in their distress"

    I completely agree with you on the issue that domestic adoption is an industry and I think it's horrible. But would you advocate against the adoption of orphans?

    Thanks for reading!!!

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  17. Hi again...

    Sorry, I just wanted to say that I just saw on your newest post that you are taking a "blogging break".

    Don't worry about answering my question! I feel like I have gotten the answers I needed on some other blogs. I'm sure you're tired of people asking you questions like mine anyway...

    I just wanted to say that I hope you get lost of needed rest and that I wish you the absolute best. I can not IMAGINE the pain you have been through in having a child ripped away from you. Reading your blog has been so eye-opening to me and I'm so glad I found it. It has made me think so much, and exposed me to things in the adoption world that I thought were too horrible to be true.

    Best,

    -Rebekka

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  18. Hi Rebekka,

    Yes I am taking a break but still reading blogs :) Not sure how to make a huge break from my adoption world, its been all I have known for the last 12 years! I am taking a break from writing etc and thinking too much about the issues that upset me I guess you could say. My every day life is sooooo busy right now with work and my other kids that I needed time out in my head as much as anything else and I don't have the time to commit to blogging...

    Anyway, on to your question. In my mind, I thought that was what adoption WAS for. To give a name to the nameless and a home to the homeless. That is all I thought adoption was for until I was dumped in this hell. And I completely advocate for those children to be take out of their institutions into a home. I have no issue with that. The part of adoption I take issue with (and this is all adoptions) is where the law makes it out a child is born to someone they are not. For me I see dishonesty and it makes me highly uncomfortable. Currently for these children who are genuine orphans the only route open is adoption and so yes I agree with adoption in these cases however I wouls still reform this to make it very obvious in the law this child was adopted and not born to the adoptive family. Not to make them feel different or anything but to acknowledge this child's history and those she came from. Adoption wipes out the heritage and hsitory of adoptees and I really hate that. But I do see there is a need for children to be loved and given a home. All children deserve this and I would not want to deprive any child of that at the end of the day.

    Thank you for visiting and your respectful comments. I want you to know how much I appreciate that.

    And thank you for validating what happened to me... it is amazing what comfort that can bring to a person.

    I wish you all the best.

    Cheers,
    Myst xxx

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