02 November 2010

Humpty Dumpty...

As a child, this nursery rhyme saddened and disturbed me. It was one of my least favourite and it felt very heavy for a child. At the age of three or four I can remember lying in bed, trying to go to sleep whilst mulling it over in my head and trying to think of a way they might be able to put Humpty back together.

But now, in my 30's I understand what this rhyme was all about and it really isn't for children.

There are many things that can happen in a person's life and I have had some of these less pleasant experiences and whilst they have impacted me in different ways, they did not break me. Until I lost the most precious person in my entire existence. My daughter.

I am Humpty Dumpty. And I am broken. Nothing can ever put me together again and I wonder why I try to fool myself that things will be okay when at my core I know, I just know, they can never be. Losing A screwed me up and yes I am a highly functioning person in my world outside of adoption but it is because I have forced myself to try to move on. But I see the pieces of me scattered everywhere and just when I think I have finally put myself together, something will come along and gently brush against the fragility of my existence and I will be shattered all over again, with shards being discarded in millions of directions.

Mothers are not supposed to lose their children just because they are young, unmarried, have less money. Mothers, the world over are supposed to raise their children. It is what Nature intended for us. We are not supposed to carry and create children for the purpose of abandoning our flesh and blood. It screams unnatural to do this. At our very core, in the belly of our primal knowledge. I read the blogs and stories of women who like to applaud themselves for doing this and I really detest them. This new breed of women who take delight in being a "birth"mother, an Incubator. It is utterly revolting and as far from Natural as you can get.

A mother is supposed to love, nurture and raise the child she brought into this world. She is not meant to lose or give them up.

I will never be whole. A is never going to be my daughter in the way she should be, the way Nature intended. Her adopters will always be between us. I know she will always have room for them in her life and I understand why but they don't deserve it. They ruined me. Not an agency, not a system. Her adopters with their lies and tricks.

As another visit looms, I crave her so much. And yet there is something that is always off kilter. Something that is never right between us. And that is because an unnatural, evil man-made institution came into our lives and tore us apart. Adoption.

To anyone who wants to be aware of adoption and all of its aspects, do not be fooled by the utter rubbish you are fed in the media. You are fed that crap because the industry is trying to make more money. Think. How natural is it to tear families apart? Do YOU want to be responsible for pushing Humpty Dumpty off the wall? Because that is what happens every time a mother and her child are separated. You break someone into millions of shards. And if you think that is okay, then there is something wrong with you and people like you are the reason this world has turned into something unsafe for the children of tomorrow.


  1. ***We are not supposed to carry and create children for the purpose of abandoning our flesh and blood.***

    And yet so many believe this and see nothing wrong with it.

    I'm so sorry for all you have gone through. I completely understanding forcing yourself to stay together and go on and make something of your life. And somedays, I know, are harder than others.

    I'll be thinking of you and your visit.

    Take care my friend.

  2. ((Myst))

    I am feeling for you so much right now. I have rediscovered my own brokenness. I tried so hard to "move on" and do something positive... to at least give me strength to at least help other families. And, on an emotional level, as I tried my best and failed, I realize that deep down, I really just wanted to go back and help myself... and no amount of helping others will ever give me back my daughter, the way she was meant to be my daughter.

    Now, I get to sit here, and try to figure out what to do with all these broken pieces.

  3. Thanks Cassi. Lead up weeks are always the hardest. Although I have felt for a while now that hoping we would one day be together in a mother/daughter sense is really just a pipe dream. I cannot really speak for her as I don't know what is going through her head but I get the feeling that the woman who stole her will always come between us. I really did lose her. And I can't keep hoping for something that just will not happen.


  4. ((((Heather)))) I got chills reading your comment ecause I can relate so well to what you just said. I feel like I just rediscovered my own brokeness as well. I told myself that things would be okay one day. I lied to myself to try and lessen the ain but you know what? I can't ever be... people like to tell you to move from this but how exactly? HOW do you move on when it occurs EVERY DAY and will be ongoing until the day you die??

    Its not like I can go and sit at her burial site and grieve like other mothers of loss can. No, we get told to be positive and things will turn out okay one day. Really?? These are the kind of people that told us we could have other kids and move on so it would all be okay so they'll just have to excuse me if I don't trust them!

    Yes... I am finding pieces of myself too. A song, a blog, a book, a phrase, a photo... all these things have the ability to send me over the edge sometimes.

    My thoughts are with you too Heather. I know you understand all this plus more.

    Luv Myst xxx

  5. Just found your blog. Today, I was babysitting at a church that I work for and there was this new little girl and she was crying for her Mom. She was afraid she wouldn't back. I told her Mommies don't leave their babies and I felt like a fake. It's so sad.

  6. "I told her Mommies don't leave their babies and I felt like a fake. It's so sad."

    Hi :)

    Yes, it is very sad. Tragic. But true... mothers DO leave their children and lately from the blogs and forums I have read there seems to be an increase of women who think it is actually a loving thing to do. I understand how much these women are persuaded by the brainwashing tactics used by agencies etc BUT they seem to relish in it. I cannot grasp this. Their logic is just so off.

    Mothers are not supposed to leave their children and not come back unless death prevents them. Anything else is unnatural and yes, so very, very sad.

    Thanks for passing by and leaving a comment :)


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