As a child, this nursery rhyme saddened and disturbed me. It was one of my least favourite and it felt very heavy for a child. At the age of three or four I can remember lying in bed, trying to go to sleep whilst mulling it over in my head and trying to think of a way they might be able to put Humpty back together.
But now, in my 30's I understand what this rhyme was all about and it really isn't for children.
There are many things that can happen in a person's life and I have had some of these less pleasant experiences and whilst they have impacted me in different ways, they did not break me. Until I lost the most precious person in my entire existence. My daughter.
I am Humpty Dumpty. And I am broken. Nothing can ever put me together again and I wonder why I try to fool myself that things will be okay when at my core I know, I just know, they can never be. Losing A screwed me up and yes I am a highly functioning person in my world outside of adoption but it is because I have forced myself to try to move on. But I see the pieces of me scattered everywhere and just when I think I have finally put myself together, something will come along and gently brush against the fragility of my existence and I will be shattered all over again, with shards being discarded in millions of directions.
Mothers are not supposed to lose their children just because they are young, unmarried, have less money. Mothers, the world over are supposed to raise their children. It is what Nature intended for us. We are not supposed to carry and create children for the purpose of abandoning our flesh and blood. It screams unnatural to do this. At our very core, in the belly of our primal knowledge. I read the blogs and stories of women who like to applaud themselves for doing this and I really detest them. This new breed of women who take delight in being a "birth"mother, an Incubator. It is utterly revolting and as far from Natural as you can get.
A mother is supposed to love, nurture and raise the child she brought into this world. She is not meant to lose or give them up.
I will never be whole. A is never going to be my daughter in the way she should be, the way Nature intended. Her adopters will always be between us. I know she will always have room for them in her life and I understand why but they don't deserve it. They ruined me. Not an agency, not a system. Her adopters with their lies and tricks.
As another visit looms, I crave her so much. And yet there is something that is always off kilter. Something that is never right between us. And that is because an unnatural, evil man-made institution came into our lives and tore us apart. Adoption.
To anyone who wants to be aware of adoption and all of its aspects, do not be fooled by the utter rubbish you are fed in the media. You are fed that crap because the industry is trying to make more money. Think. How natural is it to tear families apart? Do YOU want to be responsible for pushing Humpty Dumpty off the wall? Because that is what happens every time a mother and her child are separated. You break someone into millions of shards. And if you think that is okay, then there is something wrong with you and people like you are the reason this world has turned into something unsafe for the children of tomorrow.