12 November 2010

On with the Show

"The Show Must Go On" - Queen

Empty spaces - what are we living for?
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score..
On and on!
Does anybody know what we are looking for?

Another hero - another mindless crime.
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime.
Hold the line!
Does anybody want to take it anymore?

The Show must go on!
The Show must go on! Yeah!
Inside my heart is breaking,
My make-up may be flaking,
But my smile, still, stays on!

Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance.
Another heartache - another failed romance.
On and on...
Does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess i'm learning
I must be warmer now..
I'll soon be turning, round the corner now.
Outside the dawn is breaking,
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free!

How true the words of this song are. I understand all to well the lines of the chorus... because I live this every day as I wake up.

Being a mother of loss is no easy task. It is not simply something one can box and forget. Rather, it is something that haunts your every cell, fibre, breath of your body. You have no control over when the loss will bloom to full velocity, or when you will have a bad day. It will just happen. Triggers can be anything or nothing. Because it can just HAPPEN. Because it is part of you now. This loss, this void that can never be filled.

This loss screams at you; sometimes never ending, other times you can be lucky enough to drown it out by keeping busy. But it never stops screaming. In your sleep, it is inescapable. Dreams, flash backs, memories... at anytime whenever they choose.

But no one in your every day life would know. Like in the chorus of this song, our hearts are breaking, our "make-up" may be flaking but our smiles betray nothing. No one would know about our secret mutant wounds, bleeding freshly, never having the chance to heal over for more than a day before it is torn open again.

But our "show", as mothers of loss, continues. We have jobs, many of us have families, we are involved in the community. We do not look any different from the next woman. No one would notice the gaping hole in our middles on the outside. We have learned to hide them well, for the sake of society. We have learned to keep our smiles fixed to our faces. For the sake of the Show. The Show of Adoption.

Why though, is this expected of us? Other mothers of loss are given the respect they should receive. Losing a child to death or by kidnapping, these mothers are given time, their loss is respected and they are expected to grieve. So why are we different?

Because our pain is irrelevant. Our pain is inconvenient. We are not seen as people in society, rather we are vessels for others to get what they want. Our children are not seen as people with their own personalities, their own identities. They are not seen as we, their mothers see them, with roots going back generations. As members of a family who resembles Daddy or Mama or Uncle Jo. No, our children are seen as puppets; dolls even, whom these adopters can bring to life by adopting them. The fact the have a family already becomes irrelavent; Nature is thrown out the window. And then, once they are adopted, they too must live the "Show". Never speaking out of turn, never given the freedom to grow up as everyone else does. Kept young, dismissed, disrespected.

It is time the actors in the Show of Adoption are allowed to finish. To speak up, be heard and respected as people. You know, real people, and not figures for others to manipulate in their play. It is time this Show was rewritten or ended altogether and a new show penned. Like those long running shows in Broadway or on the West End that become tired and naturally end... it is time this Show also found a closing.

To end this post, I would like to mention Cassi's latest post. As I was blogging, I took a break and glanced at my reader list which came up with this post. Please read it. Because it is true. The same goes for our children. They are real and a part of us.

If you are looking to adopt, please re-examine why and ask yourself if you would rather build up a family than tear one down.  I urge you to ask yourself why would you want another woman to suffer because you have? You may be able to relate to the words of this song as well however please do not be responsible for making these words someone else's reality. It is not our responsibility. We did not cause anyone's infertility so please do not create a mother of loss. It is a circle that will only ever bring pain and heartbreak in the long run.

And now... back to the Show.


  1. So agree, escalating loss is not the way to go.It has to change and attitudes to infertility need to change too.
    We can't all have what we want ,now if not sooner,sometimes the vulnerable infertile are at the mercy of the RT industry as much as the adoption industry.There are other ways.

  2. While the Show does go on in the real world, women like you and Cassi and so many others are at least telling people our story online. I am forever grateful that so many mothers are blogging beause when the dark days hit, I know that I am not alone. Thank you!


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