17 February 2010

Happy Birthday Amber-Rose

It is now evening on the 17th of February.

Today was your birthday, your 12th Birthday.

Apparently, you got my presents in time; I hope you enjoy them.

As we do every year and have done since your first birthday, we sang happy birthday to you and blew out candles on your cake. One day, hopefully, we will do this and we will be together.

I love you. We all love you. May you always know how much you are loved, may you always be aware that we are here for you, the door always open to welcome you home should you desire to return. I will be waiting, with open arms.

Good-night beautiful girl and sweet dreams.

As always, love from your Mama xxx

14 February 2010

4 days to go...

There are still 4 days to go (or is it technically three?) until your birthday. And I have been sitting up for hours reliving those last days before our inevitable separation.

It seems the bank has finally broken again and I cannot stop crying.

I didn't want you to come out. You were safe inside me. We had such a strong connection; we even created our own method of communicating... close and together.

I can recall sitting in my bed, crying every night, telling you what everyone was telling me to do and what I wanted to do and I would try to do if I could (keep you).

And that is why I didn't want your birth to come. Because I couldn't keep you safe anymore. I couldn't keep you away from all those people who wanted me to "give" you away.

And so my baby girl, I stressed about it so much my body gave out and you came even earlier... instead of the beginning of April/end of March, you were born mid February. So now, February holds a bitter sweetness for me: I finally got to hold you... but it marked the beginning of the end of everything I knew up until then. The beginning of a new life of pain. The start of a journey filled with untold hardships, for both of us.

I could never say these things to you my beautiful girl. I would never want you to know how much pain this has caused. It is bad enough your sister sees any of it... I would hate you to see it as well.

12 years. 12 longs years. 12 short years.

I miss you. These three words convey so little but I do miss you. I missed you the morning of your birth as I lay in my hospital bed and you had been taken to the intensive care ward and it finally dawned on me you were no longer with me. My empty stomach. I can recall curling up and crying because I missed you from that moment on.

People don't realise that sometimes when I speak of our separation being violent I refer to the moment you were pulled out of me and rushed away. We had a traumatic time you and I as you struggled into the world and they almost lost me when everything slowed down. It was violent. And that is when our separation began.

I yearn for those days when I was pregnant with you. When you were safe, when we were together, when it was just you and I.

Now, 12 years on and all I have are the painful memories of that day. The pain at being told you were being placed for adoption despite the fact I hadn't even made that choice. The pain at having to demand and fight to see you, to touch you. Nothing was easy for us sweetheart... no one understood we were used to being together; we didn't like being apart.

One thing I still hold onto from the day of your birth... is when, despite being told you would not open your eyes for some days, you opened those beautiful blue eyes and stared straight into mine as I told you I was there, holding your hand.

I love you. I always have. Even when I found out I was pregnant, despite how you got there. I always will love you...

Love,
your Mama xxx

07 February 2010

"Make Peace"

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard this expression.

"I hope you make peace with your decision"

"I hope you find peace and can move on with your life"

"I hope you can let go of the hurt" etc etc and etc...

You get the picture.

What I have realised lately, is that these people often don't really care if I find peace or not. They don't want me to find peace for my sake. Oh no. They want me to find peace for THEIR sake because my voice makes THEM uncomfortable. And it is not just me but any other person who dares to speak out against the popular view of adoption.

There is an old saying I like which goes something along the lines of "People judge that which they don't understand". And judgement, dismissal etc is something of an epidemic in adoption.

You know something? I have made peace. Peace with the fact I know this pain can never be healed. Like the quote on the side of my blog from Frodo in the Return of the King, there are some hurts in life that can never be healed. Some wounds that go so deep they alter the whole of your life.

And so it is with that realisation I have made peace. This doesn't mean I do not have a life. But this blog is about one area of my life only and I do not need to defend the rest of my life to strangers who will never be part of my life.

Dismissing what I have to say only reflects on the person doing the dismissing. It has nothing to do with me except for the fact I challenge their safe little bubble (as do all who speak out against evil and wrongdoing where people chose blindness as it is more comfortable).

Dismissal is something I seem to be the brunt of more and more of late... especially here on my blog. From the ramblings of one pissed off lady because I don't like adoption and want it replaced by a more humane and just system (diddums) to raging emails about how my story is not true... these from people who are from a totally different country and have no clue as to who I am and what they are talking about. People so desperate to trample my voice they feel the need to dictate to me my experience and yet support my argument with their anger.

Peace... do people even know the meanings of the words they use these days? I wonder as they often say things with the opposite message attached...

01 February 2010

Responsibility

Responsibility. It is a word that is tossed around a lot in adoption. “Take responsibility”.

I am very much in favour of people taking responsibility for their actions in life. Whatever they are. I feel if you choose to do something then you wear the consequences of that choice. It isn’t really rocket science, it is just logic.

However, there are also choices made in life that are not made by you but affect you in either profoundly negative or positive ways. Choices made by individuals for whatever reasons which carry consequences that can change the path of someone’s whole life journey.

For example, child abuse (physical, sexual or neglectful), the act of war, murder, rape, being given a large sum of money/inheritance, abduction and adoption to name a few.

All these examples are the result of one or many persons making a choice and that choice altering someone’s life substantially.

Given this blog is about adoption, I want to talk about responsibility in adoption.

Over the past few years and indeed in very recent days, I have often had the odd person tell me to take responsibility for my actions in regards to my daughter’s adoption. And there are things within this experience I do take responsibility for such as being naive, trusting those who could not be trusted, wanting to do what was right, being worn down etc.

But that is not what they mean. I have been told to take responsibility for getting pregnant. But how can I when I was raped? When I said no and tried to stop my daughter’s biological father from hurting me, I took responsibility. I. SAID. NO. After this, it was not MY choice and therefore NOT my responsibility. So no, I do not take responsibility for being raped and becoming pregnant and neither should any other woman.

When I discovered I was pregnant, in a state of shock, I had to make a choice as to what I would do with my child. For me, abortion was not an option. It was not something I personally felt or feel comfortable with. Adoption was offered to me next and I immediately said “No way, I am not giving my child away”. And then I opted to parent. It was the logical choice. I was pregnant and at the end of that pregnancy I would be a mother. What do mothers do with their children? They raise them. It was fairly simple to me.

However, what I was unaware of then, is that apparently, this wasn’t my choice to make. Raising my own child somehow became everyone else’s business but mine and what I had to say didn’t matter. I had no idea that my community, my whole support network would turn on me this way and that their choice was more important.
Yes, I made the choice to listen to these people who were supposed to be my elders, protectors and people who cared about me. Yes, I chose to trust them... why wouldn’t I? Yes, I chose to look into the choice (adoption) they presented to me to get them off my back. Hardly a crime.

What I was unprepared for is the choices each individual would make in relation to my child and I. Their choices, which in most cases I believe were made not out of malice but out of ignorance, had dire consequences for us.

On to the adoption part. I am told that regardless of what anyone else said to me, it was still my signature on those consent papers. No one held a gun (well at least not physically) to my head, no one forged my signature. This is true and again, I accept this. I did sign those papers however much I didn’t want to.

But here is where I stop taking responsibility and I don’t care who disagrees with me because, and let me make this clear to you, I WAS THERE, I WAS THE ONE THIS HAPPENED TO. Not you. So unless you have walked a mile in MY shoes, have experienced what I went through then you have no say in this and your opinion counts for nought.

Adoption was NOT MY choice. I chose to parent so I do not take responsibility for “making” that choice. I didn’t then and I will not today or any other day. My story has not changed. I was never in the fog about adoption being “the best for my child” because I never believed it was. You just have to ask those who were there and knew me well to know that.

Signing that consent? Yes, biggest regret of my life and I have beaten myself up about it over and over for trusting and believing the lies. But although there was no physical gun, there was an emotional one. I was wrongly informed if I DIDN’T sign, the consent could be signed by someone else, our “Chief executive” (formerly Director-General) and I would lose her anyway. Where was the choice in that? Sign or have her taken away regardless. No choice, therefore nothing to take responsibility FOR.

But even if I didn’t make the choice to place her, I definitely made the choice to parent her clear. And I definitely took responsibility for that. How? I FOUGHT for MY child. I went to court and I fought for her. And, my first court battle, I won. Yes, I won. So, how did my daughter end up where she is? BECAUSE OF THE CHOICES OF OTHERS. Her adopters. They decided to fight to take her away from me and the rest of her family so yes, I lay that choice, the responsibility for the end result SQUARELY on their shoulders because that is where it belongs.

Often, I see mothers told to take responsibility for the actions of others. No one wants to believe our stories because we threaten and challenge the incorrect view the general public holds on adoption. Validating our experiences means others have to face THEIR responsibilities for the choices THEY made and that is just too much for most. So we get told we have to take responsibility for the choices OTHERS made. We are told to apologise to our children for abandoning them despite the fact many of us never had a choice and some of us did what we could to keep our children. Who apologises for something they didn’t do? Why is it expected for mothers to do this when others are not expected to?

I have seen mothers from the Baby Scoop Era denied their stories as being true, that they created and invented their experience just to make excuses for losing their child. This is preposterous. For one, most of these mothers had no idea how wide spread this issue was given the secrecy of the era and their own MEDICAL RECORDS prove their stories not to mention the testimonies of those who worked in the hospitals and saw this occur with their own eyes.

Even Nancy Verrier in her book Primal Wound expects mothers to apologise to their adult children for placing them. As an adoptive parent, that is easy for her to say. It excuses her from being part of the demand that continues the growth of the adoption industry. It is her and other adoptive parents who used their thousands of dollars in so-called fees to obtain an infant who should be apologising to their child for not using that money more wisely and helping them stay within their family. It would have been cheaper!

I am all for telling my daughter I am sorry she FELT abandoned and the pain that caused her but I will not take responsibility for what her adopters and others did to me to ensure my child and I were separated. Why should I? Just to make you sleep easier at night? Take a hike.

What I can take responsibility for is getting my story out there. I can be responsible for ensuring stories like mine do not keep being repeated. I can take responsibility for how this tragic event impacts my life and I do. I have. Take this blog for instance, it is where I can share my pain, my anguish in a healthy way that dosn't impact my family. If I DIDN'T blog, DIDN'T speak up, I would be guilty of NOT taking responsibility and the pain would swallow me so much I would be of no use to my family. In venting, sharing my pain and feelings here, I free myself of these emotions so I am available for my other two precious children. To ignore the need for me to blog, would be an injustice to my family.

Responsibility. Its a big word. Maybe before you judge me and talk to me about responsibility perhaps you should learn what it means and either walk a mile in my shoes or take responsibility for your own actions in life.