11 December 2011

An Open Letter from an adopted adult

Recently I read a couple of blog posts which shared the following letter from an adult adoptee to Adoptive Parents, PAPs etc. I have since discovered the author and have been given permission to share the letter here and so I will link to one of the blog posts who have shared it.

Before I do, may I suggest in reading it through please do so with an open mind. This letter is not an attack on you if you have adopted nor is it telling you how to feel. Rather it is a perspective all to commonly ignored and dismissed in adoption and given adoption is SUPPOSED to be about those being adopted, one would think their views would be given the greatest weight, even and especially when they highlight what is wrong with the system. I have the greatest respect for my adult adoptee friends who, despite knowing the backlash they will and do encounter, brave this to put out the truth of adoption and what their experience was and is like.

All too often I see in blog land and indeed on my own blog that unless any of us bow to the 'popular' view of holding adoption up as being fantastic, saving children etc then not only are we ridiculed and put down, we are outright attacked.

So again, please read this letter with an open mind and respect, compassion and empathy towards another human being who may not see adoption as you do.

The Letter (via a blog author who DID NOT write the letter)

30 November 2011

Musings

Life is still good. In fact, I doubt it was not life that was ever not good - it was what happened in life that was plain out bad.

I am happy... and yet there will always be a piece of me that stares out the window, wondering what she is doing today. Wondering what is happening with her at school, in her life. Has she been to the latest Twilight flick? What did she think of the final Harry Potter movie? What is she reading now?

Every day, I still check my emails, hoping just a little there might be something from her. Of course there isn't.

I miss her alot but I don't miss the visits. They were never about her and I connecting. They were all about her adopters ensuring we didn't. For now maybe they won but really, I couldn't live with myself if I ever inflicted that much pain on another person and I could have prevented it. I couldn't.

As Christmas draws close, she is on my mind alot. With her sister talking about her so much, she will never be forgotten in our house.

The Christmas Tree is up, the decorations are on display. And despite the glorious sunshine, the warmth and comfort in the rays of Happiness, I feel a familiar chill in the air. I shudder. It is something I can never escape. The missing. That hole I can never fill no matter what I do.

01 September 2011

New Zealand Adoption News

Recently I discovered New Zealand's ancient Adoption Act 1955 has been amended.

Before the amendment (and indeed post amendment) our archaic and barbaric act is/was a jumble of nonsense and has been unchanged from the days of old where the government and hospitals then later lawyers and judges took matters into their own hands and forced adoptions; in some cases outright stealing newborns from their mothers. Coercion and duress are just a part of the furniture - well practised and well denied; swept under the proverbial carpet.

However in August 2011, an amendment was made to the Act that SHOULD change this cruel practise (although I am not holding my breath).

This amendment made to the act seeks to supposedly protect women from being coerced and forced to sign an adoption consent by making this practise criminal. In fact, anyone caught doing this can face up to seven years imprisonment. For the actual wording please see below:

"The Parliament of New Zealand enacts as follows:
1 Title
This Act is the Adoption Amendment Act 2011.

2 Commencement
This Act comes into force on the day after the date on which it receives the Royal assent.

3 Principal Act amended
This Act amends the Adoption Act 1955.

4 Purpose of this Act
The purpose of this Act is to enable New Zealand to meet its international obligations under Article 3(1)(a)(ii) of the Optional Protocol to the Convention on the Rights of the Child on the Sale of Children, Child Prostitution and Child Pornography by creating a new offence prohibiting the improper inducement of a consent for the adoption of a child.

5 Offences
(1) The heading to section 27 is amended by omitting "“Offences”" and substituting "“Summary offences”".
(2) Section 27(3) is repealed.

6 New sections 27A to 27D inserted
The following sections are inserted after section 27:
“27A Offence to induce consent
“(1) Every person commits an offence who induces another person, by fraud, duress, undue influence (by payment or otherwise), or other improper means, to consent to an adoption.
“(2) Every person who commits an offence under subsection (1) is liable on conviction on indictment to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 7 years.
“27B Safety of child where offence committed

“(1) Where a Court is satisfied that an offence against section 27 or 27A has been committed in respect of any child, the Court may order the child to be removed to a place of safety until—
“(a) the child can be restored to his or her parent or guardian; or
“(b) other arrangements can be made for the child.
“(2) Subsection (1) applies whether or not any person has been convicted of the offence."

So, looks like some great stuff right? Bring out the champagne and all that? Sadly I would say hold on those celebrations for now. Because duress, coercion and fraud are ALREADY criminal acts and stating it in the Act will hardly change a thing. Why do I say this? Because I had PROOF of my coerced and wrongly obtained consent and yet we still decided against this line of action for the court battle as it is vitually impossible to get this recognised by the courts even with evidence. Why? Because at the end of the day it is up to the judge and many (not all) of the family court judges in New Zealand are from a cruel era where mother and child were routinely separated and mother was thrown to the gutter and her baby forgotten. Thankfully the so called 'judge' at my last hearing, is dead. I was not the only victim to this 'man's' cruel actions. The 'man' couldn't even look at me in the hearing or my father, coward.

So yes, while it appears to be all great news, my faith in the New Zealand adoption process is nil. Why? Because only this year a friend of mine was driven to suicide as a result of the anguish adoption caused in her when her child was stolen from her only 5 years ago. And she is not the only one. This amendment only contradicts the Consent withdrawl section of the act which states clearly there is no revocation period so if a mother was to sign a consent under duress and once the duress was over, she would still have little chance of getting her child back, regardless of what the amendment states.

After thinking this over, my view on this is a waste of space and time. New Zealand, get rid of your rotting adoption system which only serves the adopters who get their booty. You don't offer protection to your mothers and children and you fail the UN Declaration of Human Rights including the rights of the Child. If you want to serve Human Rights, you would scrap this worthless and cruel act and replace it with a system that serves the CHILDREN in NEED and NOT the self serving adults who want to 'build' a 'family' with the children of other families. If you chose to continue this barbaric piece of legislation then you show yourself to be a liar.

29 June 2011

Yeah, I know...

... I was meant to be gone. Off living my life, dancing in the rain and all that jazz and something did shift for a couple of weeks. I posted links, determined to just keep the word of others out there and slowly wean myself away from this scene (I just love blogland because I know so many awesome people here and leaving cold was never going to be easy for me hence the linking etc) and eventually, cease blogging.

But, I forgot one essential thing. Adoption is a life sentence. It is not something you can chose to be part of or leave. Once cast to its belly, you are there forever. I honestly felt so free and alive. Like I was walking out of some dungeon and I could see the world outside, beckoning me. Just as I was about to step out into that glorious sunshine and embrace a world full of colour, a door from nowhere swung closed in my face. Silly girl, did you really think you could get away?

So I am back here again, polarised by recent events and hurt by more lies which are ultimately hurting my daughter.

Here is a recap on recent events:

We had the meeting in May where visits were for now, ceased as personally I need time to heal this wound that is opened up every time I see my daughter's adopters. Because in my case it wasn't a system that took my child but them, seeing their faces every visit only put me back into that time where I was helpless and alone. For me, I needed to put an end to that and so I requested visits be only with Amber. Apparently her adoptive 'mother' said they asked her input and she wasn't keen and wanted them to continue as before. I had a feeling this might happen so I wasn't unprepared or concerned about it. Knowing her adoptive 'mother' as I do, my daughter has been made to serve where she is at emotionally her whole life; I saw this first hand from the age of 6 months and it revolted me. No person should ever be made to carry such a heavy burden especially at such a young age. Anyway, I told the adopters I understood however I personally could no longer proceed with visits with them there so I would no longer be attending them. You should have seen their faces. I think they thought if they framed it as coming from her, I would buckle. One thing I have learned is I won't fall for their games any longer and if they chose my daughter to play the games for them then I will hold THEM responsible.

I was very honest with them at the visit and pretty much told them what they did was take Amber; that I never gave her up willingly and that they had known that. To which they said nothing. I also later said that we wouldn't be in this situation now if it wasn't for what they had done to take her from me in the first place. Male adopter's response: "Well we have a different view on that". No, really?? I would never have guessed. Moron.

Throughout the visit, adoptress basically said she didn't feel there would be much of a chance for our relationship in the future, saying that "Amber just isn't that brave". Um, okay. We'll see. I also discovered our emails had basically been stopped by them although they THEN tried to cover that by saying she just wasn't interested in emailing me etc. Funny given the fact she emailed me first and despite her adopter telling her she couldn't give me her mobile number she did anyway. So many contradictions, the lies keep piling up.

So our meeting ended and as I suspected visits between my girl and I ended. My mum, sister and I decided they would keep seeing her so she wouldn't feel completely abandoned but I knew she would feel like I was aiming this at her.

The following day after the visit in May, I emailed male adopter and suggested one last visit with all of us (them included) to give her a chance to say goodbye for now. I also wanted to tell her this was not about her and that when she was/is ready to see me by herself I would be ready. I got no answer.

That was the last week of May/first week of June. Fast forward to last week. My mum emailed male adopter and asked him what he thought of my idea. He emailed saying can we chat. Over this weekend, I had an intense dream of my daughter where we were sitting down having a deep discussion and she told me she was really angry with me and she felt abandoned by me. In the dream however we were able to resolve this and it ended well. Oh for life to imitate dreamland!

Monday this week male adopter rang my mum back and told her Amber had been in hospital seriously ill a couple of weeks ago for five days on antibiotics for a super bug. I flipped when I heard this news. They are supposed to tell me the minute she is sick and yet we were finding out now, two weeks later. He then went on to say that Amber is angry with me and wants nothing to do with me so a goodbye visit is out of the question. She feels rejected again (hmmm, funny he says again as he has never been honest about her feeling this way in the past). He also said I had hard questions to face in the years to come. Funny that one. I laughed. I welcome the hard questions because I know they won't like the outcome of the answers. She has no idea what they did to steal her from us and if they think I won't tell her one day they are in la la land.

He also had a few other digs at me and came out with another lie saying they were going to meet with me about my wanting Amber back all those years ago but because of the court summons they decided not to. I was amazed he was going to this extent. So far, they had had the phone call at the three day agreed period to say what I wanted to do and when Mum relayed I wanted to raise Amber they ended the conversation. A week later they received my letter asking them to give her back to me which they replied saying no, she was theirs. Then my father called and spoke to them and discussed it with male adopter and then followed that up with a lengthy three page fax. This too was ignored. By this stage I was in New Zealand and had commenced legal action which they were aware of. Around this time, I wrote another letter, BEGGING them not to take her. Through their lawyer, they contacted MY lawyer and arranged a date to meet which a day before they decided against. My lawyer never sent them a court summons. All they ever got was a notification, AT the Interim hearing that I had withdrawn my consent. So I am at a loss to fathom how they can now turn around and lie about not knowing about the court proceedings when I made it clear I would fight for her. They ignored me so of course I sought legal advice. They have told themselves so many lies over the years it has turned into truth and yet I think because I have read and reread the court papers so many times, I know the timeline that is on file like the back of my hand. I don't need to lie because at least I have truth on my side.

So there you have it. Visits are still off but I have a feeling this will be ongoing. I will still fight for my life and that of my other children but it is so much harder than I ever felt it could be. I accept Amber is angry with me, hell I would be too. But I also know this anger is based on the little information she has and that I haven't actually done anything wrong so I lay the responsibility of that hurt at the feet of her adopters who caused it. I also feel anger is better than nothing - at least it shows she cares and that is enough to give the tiniest spark of hope to hold onto.

22 April 2011

Latest news...

A quick update!

So... I checked my email on Monday morning not expecting to hear back however Mr X had already left me a quick response to say they would get back to me and "obviously we'll work this out".

For that day I was very positive and felt this was a good response but I decided to wait because I have been in this position before. In fact, this week was not unlike the week I sent them the letter to confirm I still wanted her back all those years ago and we faced an agonising ten day period waiting for them to send the letter they sent which told me they were not giving her back despite they had committed to doing this prior the signing etc.

(Quick background: I did not want to sign consent and had called the adoption off; in a meeting with the then PAP's I told them of my decision, they told me I was their only chance, I felt bad so we agreed to a three day 'trial' period where I would sign consent and if at the end of those three days I still wanted her I would have her back or would allow the adoption to proceed. I was NOT told of my legal rights which were none and that once signed there was NO revocation period. At the end of the three day period, as arranged, my mum told them I wanted her back and I sent them a letter to confirm this. They rejected it and decided to keep her anyway which I suspect they had already decided to do and the three day trial was just a trick to get me to sign. We went to court, I won. They took me back to court and in a case which long since puzzled me, I lost. Only the year before last did I find out it was dodgy although I suspected it all along, and I should never have lost but actually, should have won.)

Anyway, late yesterday afternoon, I received another email asking for a meeting like the one we had 18 months ago in which I had asked for sleepovers at my parents house for my younger daughter (Noodle) and Amber. These were quickly denied and a story of how she could be at risk of being sexually abused by any male (including my 2 year old son) if she stayed with us was concocted and was the reason given. Needless to say my dad and hubby were highly insulted. I had intended back then to broach the issue of visits without them but the smug attitudes they had and something he said to me just put me off.

So this time, the meeting will be about what we can do going forward. I know this will be their chance to talk me out of this idea of visits without them but I am a different person to the person I was on 2009 and I will not be so easily rail roaded. It will be an intresting day! I will update once I know what is happening which won't be until at least the end of May at this point.

A massive thank you to everyone who has supported me both here and though Facebook and email. I just want you all to know it is really valued and treasured.

18 April 2011

Taking back my Power.... round 2

A couple of years ago I wrote a post titled "Taking back my Power" and when I came to blog tonight, I decided that is again exactly what I have done in a completely different way.

In our lives, we all have fears... heights, spiders, dirt, speech-making etc (and most of these I have as well!!) but one of my BIGGEST fears in the last 13 years, is standing tall and putting my foot down when it comes to my girl. Fear because I know in standing up and putting that foot down I know so well it could cost me so much and the pain that cost causes has me fearing in a totally paralysing way.

So today, I faced that fear.

As I posted a few weeks ago, I had a visit approaching. That visit was supposed to be today however was cancelled yesterday on account of my daughter having an illness. Yes, part of me has wondered how true that was but I do think she was sick. And the thought of that was enough to anger me yesterday because hearing that she is sick (nothing serious) and knowing she has probably been sick many times in the past 13 odd years and I have not been present for those years rubs in just some of what it is that has been lost. However I digress.

After reading a few blogs this weekend, two by other mothers and one from an adoptive mother I love and respect (yes, shock horror, I DID say that!) and an email from another mum friend, I came to the conclusion it was time to speak my mind about the visits we were having. When I received the text about my daughter, her adoptive 'father' suggested I email next week to reorganise another visit. I decided now was my time to take back some of the power I had lost all those years ago and let them know it was time for us to get to know Amber without them; i.e. have visits without them.

I am under no illusion they will allow this. In fact I know they probably won't given the way they have dictated the way the visits will work until now but I am no longer comfortable with keeping my mouth closed and ignoring the proverbial white elephant in the middle of the room.

I will include the text of the email below. Before anyone decides to comment however, I would suggest if you don't know my story or my situation you refrain if you cannot add anything positive or helpful. I share so those I have gotten to know and love can know what is going on, not to be told what to do or how to do it. The email is sent now so there is nothing that can be done about it even if you did want to persuade me not to.

Email:

Hi X,

Thanks for getting back to me about Amber’s illness. I hope she feels better soon and can enjoy the rest of the school holidays.

I was thinking maybe the 1st of May for the reschedule if Easter weekend is out. Or even the couple of days after the weekend like Monday or Tuesday as they are public holidays? Just my thoughts anyway.

I guess I should be honest with you about where I am at with visits. Personally I feel it is time Amber was able to come to us on her own. I understand why you don’t want her to however I would never do anything to hurt her or upset her so I don’t think your fears are necessary. She is now 13 years old; at that age I was looking after people’s children on my own in a different country and was a lot more independent than Amber is. I am not comfortable in our current arrangement and cannot relate to her with you and xxx there given our history.

I have played ‘the game’ for almost ten years now but honestly, what happened to take Amber from me will never go away or be forgiven. It can’t be; its just too big. What happened to me in losing Amber almost destroyed me and has robbed me of a lot of living. Adoption is not a beautiful thing; it destroys families and I am not the only one who says this.

Despite this and how I feel, I have done my best. My intention with wanting visits with just her is to get to know her. Nothing sinister. Currently I feel she doesn’t open up because she feels the tension. If she had the chance just to be without worrying where everyone is at, then I think we would all be much more comfortable. I get what I have told you will not be welcome, however I need to be honest. You are not the only considerations in this; it affects all my children; all three of them and my parents.

I know I risk losing all chance to see her after this. I am fine with that because I am no longer a willing participant in playing happy families and if that is the price of honesty, then that is the price I pay. I want to get to know my daughter for who she is without all the pressure and I don’t ask all that much really. I am not holding my breath however but leaving it with you.

Cheers,

(Myst)


In sending this email, it represents so much to me about how far I have come. I realised today I have been allowing them to continue holding all the cards in the last few years by dictating how often and the terms of these visits. Every visit has involved a lengthy preparation time; a steeling of seeing my daughter's adopters and pretending as if everything is okay. My daughter and I barely talk and we have a fairly miserable time. I have asked her if she likes the visits and she has assured me she does and yet they are so painful and as we have no real time together I feel they are a waste of time. I feel if she didn't have to worry about them standing over her, she could relax a little and we could just get to know each other. It isn't like she is a little girl anymore. I can understand why they had to be there when she was younger but not after 9 odd years of visits. It is hardly as if we are going to take her and run!

Anyway, I know not what this will bring me and I am not sure I care all that much. Of course if they cut off all contact and visits with me I will be upset but then it isn't something I haven't experienced from them before. However this time I have the evidence to support me for the day she wants to know why and also they would have to explain to her why they are no longer allowing visits to continue.

All I know is I have been honest and true to myself and all my children. I mentioned in a previous post last year I want to be authentic and finally I feel I have been in terms of these visits.

So tonight, for the first time in many, many years, I go to bed a free woman. Free from the chains of an open adoption which has never really been all that open. Free from the games they have forced us to play. Free from them using my girl against me and holding her over me. I am her mother, she is my daughter and I will not allow my family to be used like this anymore. I have told her I love her and I will always be there for her. There is no more I can do as it is out of my hands due to adoption.

I. am. Free.

25 March 2011

Another visit...

We have another visit coming up. I have no idea how this will go. Probably like always, it will be a waste of time where she and I get no time together and it will, like always be all about her adopters feeling like they are doing the "right" thing and we will have to listen to them drone on and on about their pathetic lives (really they are so boring and wrapped in themselves it is painful to listen to them)

Now though, I have the visits, make it clear to them I am not comfortable seeing them while at the same time I am comfortable with seeing my daughter. She is of an age where she could easily come to see us without them. We are hardly going to 'kidnap' her! (Please explain how kidnapping one's own child is a crime?)

My mum would love to take her shopping, to the movies, out for 'coffee' (hot chocolate in Amber's case!). I would love to just lounge on the bed with her and chat... we clearly have that in common! Will just have to hold on to 'one day'.

I really cannot wait until she is old enough to tell us all what she would like. She has already said she would like to catch a movie with me... but I am not sure how she feels about the whole situation. Ever since she was eight and there was "fallout" from a certain visit, she has not been allowed to breathe a word about her adoption to me. From her pained expressions and a look in her eyes that tells me she has many questions, I can tell the silence is not voluntary. I hope she, at some point, tells them where to go.

I know some people who will read this and think "how dare you" about what I say about my daughter's adopters but really, how do I dare NOT to?? At the end of the day, what happened was wrong and these farcical visits to make them feel better about themselves are just an extension of what they lust after. They don't really and have never cared about my daughter. If they did, they would never have taken her, lied on oath and basically done what they could to appropriate my daughter for themselves. No, that is not love. And now, if they cared, she would be able to come to us whenever she liked; for sleepovers, outings, birthdays etc WITHOUT them breathing down her or our necks. No, they don't care about anyone but themselves and how THEY look and feel about everything.

So to me, visits are a waste of time except for the one fact that I am letting her know I want to see her. Many times I have made it clear that I would see her more often; that this is all out of my hands. You know, unless I arrange it, there is never any visit. It is all up to me to email her adopter male, never once have they approached US unless it was to reschedule a visit they cancelled in the first place. No, they have never reached out and tried to bring our families closer and through that I can see they don't care or love my daughter because if they did, they would want to bring us all together.

I am at the point where I almost don't care about visits. She knows I will see her whenever. I have told her that. She knows she is welcome in my home whenever she wants, I have also told her that too. But I am sick of the games, sick of the lies and sick of ignoring the giant elephant in the middle of the room... which I am sure is also sick of just standing there and would dearly love to smack us all with its trunk and tell us to just sort it out already!

So much for this thing called 'open' adoption. It really was all just a giant lie and I know it is because I have lived it. Yeah, I also know there are supposed stories of 'successful' open adoptions however I doubt the success of these in truth given neither party is actually honest about how they really feel and are living behind a wall of lies. Ugh, I detest shallow fronts. I prefer to live my life more authentically so to go around smiling and pretending to be happy about something that has ripped my soul apart doesn't sit well with me.

My sister once said something that still resonates with me. She said people like happy endings. Its so true! The general public/society like a happy ending because they don't like to be uncomfortable. They don't want to face REAL issues and they want to go on pretending life is all one big "happy, happy, happy, joy, joy, joy" and beware anyone who doesn't conform to this. Hence why you have all these new mothers who deny their true feelings (so much they believe in the lie) and "happily" give their children up. It is just so unnatural.

So that is what is happening for us... visit soon with same old, same old. I'll be twiddling my thumbs as usual and waiting for the day my girl is old enough to decide what she wants for herself.

07 March 2011

Adoption Sucks

Really, it does. Sucks life, joy, energy and love from this world. Really if anyone thought it was anything but destructive then they would be living in a lovely shallow world which denies emotion and the damage to one's soul. Gee, must be swell living in denial.

So yeah, adoption sucks and that is all I have to say about that.

15 February 2011

It still hurts...

My blog has been fairly infrequent of late. There is so much swimming around in my head; posts I have written in my mind already, topics I want to nut out and yet when I come to sit at my keyboard, I just stare at the screen and my mind empties of what I had to say.

Even now, all my ideas have gone.

Only one thing remains. And that is the all consuming knowledge that in just two days time, I will be the mother of a teenager.

My precious, tiny, baby girl will be a teenager.

Never did I think I would make it to now. Indeed, it is a miracle I made it through the first 3 months after my daughter was pried from my fingers and I was left as nothing on the floor of someone's kitchen.

When the light had been taken from my world, I stumbled second to second, minute to minute. Over time, I still stumbled, tripping my way through each hour, the screaming still in my head; the mess of my bleeding heart trailing behind me.

Hours turned to days and then slowly, very slowly, those days turned to weeks, then months and years. I managed to stop the flow of blood and patch myself up. I found a mask that worked and started living again.

But under my mask, under the facade facing the rest of the world, I hold my heart together. Every now and again, on certain days or at certain times the bleeding starts anew. Fresh, dark, life blood which I desperately try to stem.

Her birthday is one of those days.

I have heard and I have been told many adopted children and adults hate their birthdays. I often wonder how Amber feels about hers. If she realises that across the city there is a house with a candle burning for her from morning to night's end. That there is a family singing Happy Birthday to a photo of her, a sister who blows out her candles that she should be blowing out. And how they all sit in silence while they eat a cake she should be there to eat. I wonder if she realises there is a woman sitting in that house silently screaming, missing her, aching to hold her, to just see her on this day of all days. That her Mother is wrapping her empty arms around herself instead of her.

I wonder if she thinks of her actual birth day. Her birth day all those years ago was not without its own pain. A sick little girl, I was told they would know by the end of the day whether or not she would make it. She did but to face her loss even then was harrowing and because of this impending loss, I was unable to hold her until the next day. I touched her though and I can still smell that NICU room, see it as it was all those years ago.

Thirteen years. They have been the hardest years of my life. They would have been the worst however getting married and having two more precious children have enriched my life in ways I could never imagine. They help me through these days and I am sure my Noodle girl will again be my little champion on Thursday with her compassionate spirit. She just knows, I don't even have to tell her.

I wish though, on Thursday, there was a different scenario to the one playing out. I wish we could all be together as a family. My greatest wish is what so many people take for granted or as evidenced in the adoption world, feel entitled to.

But really it shouldn't be a wish. It should be my reality. But it isn't and never will be. This birthday marks another year lost, another birthday lost. No matter how positive one tries to be about this situation or choses to see it, loss remains. So while her adopters celebrate their gain on my daughter's birthday, I will be mourning her loss. A hurt that will never go away because it has cut too deep and has fractured me to my core.

18 January 2011

Missing...

I think this songs pretty much sums it up. Too much, so close. This monster knows how to twist the handle of the blade embedded in my heart and I can't handle this pain. My arms have been cut free for 6 or 7 years... and now I can no longer resist the urge to see the blood, to feel pain; real pain. Its all too much. Too much destruction and those out there who want to keep this monster going... you are no better than murderers, cheaters, CRIMINALS. Anyone who wants/desires to partake in this world of adoption that KILLS mothers and their children - you are scum.

Adoption is wrong. Anyone who cannot see through all the lies is blind by choice and your choices are hurting others. Its the same as supporting a rapist you know is going to rape again. Shame on you.

Missing
by Evanescence

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"

You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out,
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...

11 January 2011

And the Monster strikes again...

I really do not know how best to start this post. Perhaps there is no eloquent way to say this so I am just going to get it out.

Yesterday, a friend of mine passed away. At her own hand. We met several years ago and then for a time lost contact and then rediscovered each other only last year. She has been broken ever since she lost her daughter and then, with the passing of her brother only a couple of years later in the same way.

I understand why she did this; oh do I understand that dark, dark place all to well. I just wish with everything in me it didn't end this way. That somehow there had been a light for her in that darkness and eventually she could have come out of it.

To my beautiful friend, who I call my Kiwi Rose,

Rest in Peace beautiful. I am so sorry you were broken like this; that there was no other way you could see through this hell. I am sorry we never got the chance to meet up like we were hoping or do most of the things we had planned. I will miss you; both here in blog land and out in real life.

My heart aches for you, for your daughters and although I know you were not fond of your mum after what happened, my heart aches for your whole family too.

Farewell and may you find that elusive peace you have been after for so long.

With much love always,
Myst xxx