18 January 2011


I think this songs pretty much sums it up. Too much, so close. This monster knows how to twist the handle of the blade embedded in my heart and I can't handle this pain. My arms have been cut free for 6 or 7 years... and now I can no longer resist the urge to see the blood, to feel pain; real pain. Its all too much. Too much destruction and those out there who want to keep this monster going... you are no better than murderers, cheaters, CRIMINALS. Anyone who wants/desires to partake in this world of adoption that KILLS mothers and their children - you are scum.

Adoption is wrong. Anyone who cannot see through all the lies is blind by choice and your choices are hurting others. Its the same as supporting a rapist you know is going to rape again. Shame on you.

by Evanescence

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"

You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out,
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...


  1. Oh myst. I'm so sorry. hang in there. Try not to turn your anger, your pain towards yourself. direct it to those who hurt you and your child.

    I dont know if this will help. It might not but when I was really on the edge I used to find red marker pens would help.

    Drop me a pm elsewhere if you want to talk privately (I'm philomela, didn't know if you knew that)

  2. Thank you Jay. Thank you for the list... I just read them and cried. I have resisited for so long but after my last visit with Amber followed by my friend's death... its just so much and I am struggling to breathe.

    I don't want to die but I want to kill the pain and so I feel stuck.

    Amber's visit was okay... she was okay but I hate her adopters more than ever. What they did and how they are acting, I just hate that this has been going on for so long. I am just so tired. 13 years and I know its still going. Losing her turned my world on its side; took it off its axis so now it is spinning so wildly out of control. I have put so much effort into having a good life but how can people expect me to feel good enough to be a mother for my other children if I wasn't for Amber? I love my babies so much but I don't want them to be screwed up because of what happened to me when I lost Amber. I am so screwed up. Maybe I should have gone nuts so they locked me up. Its so exhausting being in so much pain and everything I do and have done doesn't block it out. Anti deps, pretending to be okay with it, doing what counselors tell me... nothing. Why can't people accept adoption HURTS? I know you know... sorry I have just ranted; not in the best of head places. Thank you anyway... and I am thrilled its you Philomela as I haven't seen you in ages.

    Myst xxx

  3. Yeah, I understand the not wanting to die but wanting to kill the pain, I self harmed for over ten years.

    I understand you, I'm slowly learning to live with adoption grief and not try to make it go away. But people expect it to be over.

    If it helps I hate your daughters adopters too and You need to remind yourself that it's okay for you to do so.

  4. ((Myst)) My sister in spirit. My own daughter, will be turning 13 in April, too. Our stories are so similar.

    I hate all of them, all the adopters who have stolen our children.

    I have learned that adoption is healing, never healed. We need to be there for our children, because they have suffered like us, from the opposite side.

    I feel broken too. Broken in ways that people just don't understand. Let it go, they say, let go of the trauma. But, it is in my body, every day. Not the trauma itself, necessarily, but the effects of the trauma. My body can not forget that I had a baby, and that neither did she die, nor is she here, and that my body can no longer create life, because of this paradox. Meanwhile, my daughter is being raised to hate me.

    There are no good answers for us. Except that us hurting ourselves, or killing ourselves, free them from the responsibility of our truth. It's probably every adopters dream to find out that we kill ourselves, because they can go along in their fantasies.

    Sorry for writing so much, but I just want you to know you are not alone. Many ((hugs)) to you.

  5. (((Myst))) I am so sorry, about your friend, about your daughter, your pain. It seems like it should be so simple for people to understand. Adoption is loss and pain. Adoption is a hole in your soul that will never be filled again ~ even with open adoption, even in reunion.

    I wish I had some wise words, but all I have is understanding and love to send your way.


  6. Oh Myst, I am so sorry you are suffering. I have no platitudes or wisdom to offer, just sending you love.

    Know that we other mothers are sitting shiva with you, supporting you, and will love you through this.

    Much love,


  7. :( I'm sad with you, reading this. So sorry for your loss.

  8. Oh, Myst, I'm so sorry. Of course I can't know YOUR pain, but I have known the pain animal you write about. Pain that jerks you over with tears that peel your face. Yeah. Yeah...

    The thing is, hurting yourself will bring pain to your kids - ALL of them - and that will just make you feel worse about yourself.

    "how can people expect me to feel good enough to be a mother for my other children if I wasn't for Amber?" Myst! The problem is those other people, not you. You were absolutely good enough to be a mother for Amber, and you are still her mother, and someday she will understand everything.

    You are an incredible woman. And it sucks out loud that you're dealing with this. I hope it helps to know that there are so many of us in the blogosphere who genuinely love and care about you, even when you don't love yourself.

  9. Thanks Jay :) Yes, I am not very fond of Amber's adopters. I couldn't bear to stand next to them at the last visit. I felt physically sick. It has never been so strong. And yes, I hate it how people expect our pain to be over. What most don't get that it occurs fresh every morning. It is a living, growing pain. There is no finality to it and each new day adds a new piece of pain regardless of how we try to look at it. Which is why after really good days you can suddenly have a bad day even when there is nothing to trigger it.

  10. (((Heather)))

    People who tell us to let go of the trauma do so because they are uncomfortable with seeing it and don't want to really get to close. They also cannot understand what it is like. As I said in my above comment, our trauma is refreshed evry day when we face another day of loss.

    I SOOOO wish I could say something to your daughter. She must be sooo confused and have a million questions floating in her head that have been shut down by her nasty adopters. I am so very sorry Heather. I feel enough pain with my own stuff, I couldn't imagine how much worse I would be if I went through what you have been through. You are a strong mama.

    Love Myst xxx

  11. Hi Susie,

    Sometimes love and understanding is all a person really needs. Thank you Susie for your compassion :)

    Love Myst xxx

  12. Thank you Melynda. I am very blessed to have so many online who are just so supportive. It really does mean so ver much.

    (((Hugs to you))) I saw from your post this hit you hard as well and I am sorry. It is never easy to watch someone in so much pain and be unable to help them through it.


  13. Thank you Kim xxx

    Love Myst

  14. Ohhhh Sally, I cried when I read your comment... about the part when you said I was good enough for Amber. You see, at the time, I thought I was too. During my pregnancy I didn't see any issue with me raising her myself... and then the horror show started.

    I think losing her in court was the killer. Although in my head I knew the judge was incredibly biased and I knew when I heard he had taken over my case (in mysterious circumstances) that I would lose... but to ACTUALLY lose and then to read what he said about me... well that just was the final nail in the coffin. I know technically I am good enough for my children now but logically it doesn't make sense because I was deemed not good enough back then so it is a demon I still face regularly.

    Thanks for your warmth and love, it is appreicated. I know I can be awfully prickly at times but I want you to know I value your comments :)

    Love Myst


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