25 March 2011

Another visit...

We have another visit coming up. I have no idea how this will go. Probably like always, it will be a waste of time where she and I get no time together and it will, like always be all about her adopters feeling like they are doing the "right" thing and we will have to listen to them drone on and on about their pathetic lives (really they are so boring and wrapped in themselves it is painful to listen to them)

Now though, I have the visits, make it clear to them I am not comfortable seeing them while at the same time I am comfortable with seeing my daughter. She is of an age where she could easily come to see us without them. We are hardly going to 'kidnap' her! (Please explain how kidnapping one's own child is a crime?)

My mum would love to take her shopping, to the movies, out for 'coffee' (hot chocolate in Amber's case!). I would love to just lounge on the bed with her and chat... we clearly have that in common! Will just have to hold on to 'one day'.

I really cannot wait until she is old enough to tell us all what she would like. She has already said she would like to catch a movie with me... but I am not sure how she feels about the whole situation. Ever since she was eight and there was "fallout" from a certain visit, she has not been allowed to breathe a word about her adoption to me. From her pained expressions and a look in her eyes that tells me she has many questions, I can tell the silence is not voluntary. I hope she, at some point, tells them where to go.

I know some people who will read this and think "how dare you" about what I say about my daughter's adopters but really, how do I dare NOT to?? At the end of the day, what happened was wrong and these farcical visits to make them feel better about themselves are just an extension of what they lust after. They don't really and have never cared about my daughter. If they did, they would never have taken her, lied on oath and basically done what they could to appropriate my daughter for themselves. No, that is not love. And now, if they cared, she would be able to come to us whenever she liked; for sleepovers, outings, birthdays etc WITHOUT them breathing down her or our necks. No, they don't care about anyone but themselves and how THEY look and feel about everything.

So to me, visits are a waste of time except for the one fact that I am letting her know I want to see her. Many times I have made it clear that I would see her more often; that this is all out of my hands. You know, unless I arrange it, there is never any visit. It is all up to me to email her adopter male, never once have they approached US unless it was to reschedule a visit they cancelled in the first place. No, they have never reached out and tried to bring our families closer and through that I can see they don't care or love my daughter because if they did, they would want to bring us all together.

I am at the point where I almost don't care about visits. She knows I will see her whenever. I have told her that. She knows she is welcome in my home whenever she wants, I have also told her that too. But I am sick of the games, sick of the lies and sick of ignoring the giant elephant in the middle of the room... which I am sure is also sick of just standing there and would dearly love to smack us all with its trunk and tell us to just sort it out already!

So much for this thing called 'open' adoption. It really was all just a giant lie and I know it is because I have lived it. Yeah, I also know there are supposed stories of 'successful' open adoptions however I doubt the success of these in truth given neither party is actually honest about how they really feel and are living behind a wall of lies. Ugh, I detest shallow fronts. I prefer to live my life more authentically so to go around smiling and pretending to be happy about something that has ripped my soul apart doesn't sit well with me.

My sister once said something that still resonates with me. She said people like happy endings. Its so true! The general public/society like a happy ending because they don't like to be uncomfortable. They don't want to face REAL issues and they want to go on pretending life is all one big "happy, happy, happy, joy, joy, joy" and beware anyone who doesn't conform to this. Hence why you have all these new mothers who deny their true feelings (so much they believe in the lie) and "happily" give their children up. It is just so unnatural.

So that is what is happening for us... visit soon with same old, same old. I'll be twiddling my thumbs as usual and waiting for the day my girl is old enough to decide what she wants for herself.

07 March 2011

Adoption Sucks

Really, it does. Sucks life, joy, energy and love from this world. Really if anyone thought it was anything but destructive then they would be living in a lovely shallow world which denies emotion and the damage to one's soul. Gee, must be swell living in denial.

So yeah, adoption sucks and that is all I have to say about that.