30 November 2011

Musings

Life is still good. In fact, I doubt it was not life that was ever not good - it was what happened in life that was plain out bad.

I am happy... and yet there will always be a piece of me that stares out the window, wondering what she is doing today. Wondering what is happening with her at school, in her life. Has she been to the latest Twilight flick? What did she think of the final Harry Potter movie? What is she reading now?

Every day, I still check my emails, hoping just a little there might be something from her. Of course there isn't.

I miss her a lot but I don't miss the visits. They were never about her and I connecting. They were all about her adopters ensuring we didn't. For now maybe they won but really, I couldn't live with myself if I ever inflicted that much pain on another person and I could have prevented it. I couldn't.

As Christmas draws close, she is on my mind a lot. With her sister talking about her so much, she will never be forgotten in our house.

The Christmas Tree is up, the decorations are on display. And despite the glorious sunshine, the warmth and comfort in the rays of Happiness, I feel a familiar chill in the air. I shudder. It is something I can never escape. The missing. That hole I can never fill no matter what I do.