30 November 2011

Musings

Life is still good. In fact, I doubt it was not life that was ever not good - it was what happened in life that was plain out bad.

I am happy... and yet there will always be a piece of me that stares out the window, wondering what she is doing today. Wondering what is happening with her at school, in her life. Has she been to the latest Twilight flick? What did she think of the final Harry Potter movie? What is she reading now?

Every day, I still check my emails, hoping just a little there might be something from her. Of course there isn't.

I miss her a lot but I don't miss the visits. They were never about her and I connecting. They were all about her adopters ensuring we didn't. For now maybe they won but really, I couldn't live with myself if I ever inflicted that much pain on another person and I could have prevented it. I couldn't.

As Christmas draws close, she is on my mind a lot. With her sister talking about her so much, she will never be forgotten in our house.

The Christmas Tree is up, the decorations are on display. And despite the glorious sunshine, the warmth and comfort in the rays of Happiness, I feel a familiar chill in the air. I shudder. It is something I can never escape. The missing. That hole I can never fill no matter what I do.

4 comments:

  1. Oh Myst... I can almost feel your heartache.

    I get it ~ despite all things glorious, that hole is never filled. I wish it could be, for all of us.

    Hugs to you ~

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  2. Thanks Susie. I am doing okay in general but this time of year is historically hard and it seems regardless of all the positive thngs I surround myself with, I just can't shake that pain. I can hold it at bay most of the time but sometimes being strong can be exhausting! (As I am sure you understand)

    Hugs back xxx

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  3. Oh Myst,

    I love you and I'm thinking of you.

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  4. Thanks Cassi! Love you too :-) I'm okay; its just people expect when you are happy you don't have moments where the pain is still there. I am making a concerted effort to focus on all positive in my life but this is the only place now where I can vent/be honest. Because of all the good and joy there is, people will tell me I am just focussing on the negative if I am not happy, happy, happy, joy, joy, joy all the time.

    There seems to be such an expectation of being grateful and happy all the time these days and I feel that is living dishonestly. Far better to face the sorrows and tribulations life throws at us and deal with it as it goes and so for the most part I am happy. But how can one mend a broken heart when a piece is forever missing? And so it is in that there is sometimes still the anguish and heartache lurking there. Christmas and Birthdays are the times when that pain is at its worst. Thank you for understanding xxx

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