11 December 2011

An Open Letter from an adopted adult

Recently I read a couple of blog posts which shared the following letter from an adult adoptee to Adoptive Parents, PAPs etc. I have since discovered the author and have been given permission to share the letter here and so I will link to one of the blog posts who have shared it.

Before I do, may I suggest in reading it through please do so with an open mind. This letter is not an attack on you if you have adopted nor is it telling you how to feel. Rather it is a perspective all to commonly ignored and dismissed in adoption and given adoption is SUPPOSED to be about those being adopted, one would think their views would be given the greatest weight, even and especially when they highlight what is wrong with the system. I have the greatest respect for my adult adoptee friends who, despite knowing the backlash they will and do encounter, brave this to put out the truth of adoption and what their experience was and is like.

All too often I see in blog land and indeed on my own blog that unless any of us bow to the 'popular' view of holding adoption up as being fantastic, saving children etc then not only are we ridiculed and put down, we are outright attacked.

So again, please read this letter with an open mind and respect, compassion and empathy towards another human being who may not see adoption as you do.

The Letter (via a blog author who DID NOT write the letter)


  1. Thanks for sharing. I really liked these few sentences:
    "Being adopted hurts. Being adopted is hard. It is not beautiful; it is brutal, it is tragic, it is a cause for great sadness. For in order for a child to even be available for adoption, that child must first go through some sort of tragedy; whether that be abuse, hunger, homelessness, neglect, or even the simple fact that he or she is losing the life and family he or she was born into. This makes adoption a thing to mourn; not a cause for celebration or joy. To be joyful about adopting a child is to be glad that this tragedy happened."

  2. Thank you for your comment :)

    Yes, they are powerful sentences and are true regardless of how anyone views adoption because regardless of how good an adopter's intentions are and the fabulous parents they can be or are, this does not take away the fact that in order for an adoption to take place, the child and his/her family must first undergo something traumatic to enable that child to be adopted. And that can be any manner of things from abuse, neglect, poverty to name a few.

    I recently had a comment on another post where a woman who has an adopted brother was dismissing the loss her brother has suffered because he has gained so much in his adoptive family.

    I do not dismiss the great and wonderful things he has gained however these gains do not make up or cancel out the losses and I really love this letter for the way it reminds us all that the premise of adoption is that it is built on loss. Adoption means loss first no matter how we try to make it look pretty etc. Nothing can hide the ugly truth that undeneath someone in the journey has had to suffer loss. Sometimes the loss is not related to the being removed from the home but in the loss of the safe and nurturing relationship that should exist between a parent and their child ie in abuse cases and neglect cases.

    It is amazing what validation can do for a person. And that is where in adoption so many fall short. The loss is not validated and in an effort to protect themselves and their interests, may adopters dismiss this loss.

    Thank you again for your comment and for being so open minded and understanding this letter was merely sharing a view point and not an attack. After reading the backlash on other blogs, it is refreshing and genuinely appreciated and encouraging :)


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