... I was meant to be gone. Off living my life, dancing in the rain and all that jazz and something did shift for a couple of weeks. I posted links, determined to just keep the word of others out there and slowly wean myself away from this scene (I just love blogland because I know so many awesome people here and leaving cold was never going to be easy for me hence the linking etc) and eventually, cease blogging.
But, I forgot one essential thing. Adoption is a life sentence. It is not something you can chose to be part of or leave. Once cast to its belly, you are there forever. I honestly felt so free and alive. Like I was walking out of some dungeon and I could see the world outside, beckoning me. Just as I was about to step out into that glorious sunshine and embrace a world full of colour, a door from nowhere swung closed in my face. Silly girl, did you really think you could get away?
So I am back here again, polarised by recent events and hurt by more lies which are ultimately hurting my daughter.
Here is a recap on recent events:
We had the meeting in May where visits were for now, ceased as personally I need time to heal this wound that is opened up every time I see my daughter's adopters. Because in my case it wasn't a system that took my child but them, seeing their faces every visit only put me back into that time where I was helpless and alone. For me, I needed to put an end to that and so I requested visits be only with Amber. Apparently her adoptive 'mother' said they asked her input and she wasn't keen and wanted them to continue as before. I had a feeling this might happen so I wasn't unprepared or concerned about it. Knowing her adoptive 'mother' as I do, my daughter has been made to serve where she is at emotionally her whole life; I saw this first hand from the age of 6 months and it revolted me. No person should ever be made to carry such a heavy burden especially at such a young age. Anyway, I told the adopters I understood however I personally could no longer proceed with visits with them there so I would no longer be attending them. You should have seen their faces. I think they thought if they framed it as coming from her, I would buckle. One thing I have learned is I won't fall for their games any longer and if they chose my daughter to play the games for them then I will hold THEM responsible.
I was very honest with them at the visit and pretty much told them what they did was take Amber; that I never gave her up willingly and that they had known that. To which they said nothing. I also later said that we wouldn't be in this situation now if it wasn't for what they had done to take her from me in the first place. Male adopter's response: "Well we have a different view on that". No, really?? I would never have guessed. Moron.
Throughout the visit, adoptress basically said she didn't feel there would be much of a chance for our relationship in the future, saying that "Amber just isn't that brave". Um, okay. We'll see. I also discovered our emails had basically been stopped by them although they THEN tried to cover that by saying she just wasn't interested in emailing me etc. Funny given the fact she emailed me first and despite her adopter telling her she couldn't give me her mobile number she did anyway. So many contradictions, the lies keep piling up.
So our meeting ended and as I suspected visits between my girl and I ended. My mum, sister and I decided they would keep seeing her so she wouldn't feel completely abandoned but I knew she would feel like I was aiming this at her.
The following day after the visit in May, I emailed male adopter and suggested one last visit with all of us (them included) to give her a chance to say goodbye for now. I also wanted to tell her this was not about her and that when she was/is ready to see me by herself I would be ready. I got no answer.
That was the last week of May/first week of June. Fast forward to last week. My mum emailed male adopter and asked him what he thought of my idea. He emailed saying can we chat. Over this weekend, I had an intense dream of my daughter where we were sitting down having a deep discussion and she told me she was really angry with me and she felt abandoned by me. In the dream however we were able to resolve this and it ended well. Oh for life to imitate dreamland!
Monday this week male adopter rang my mum back and told her Amber had been in hospital seriously ill a couple of weeks ago for five days on antibiotics for a super bug. I flipped when I heard this news. They are supposed to tell me the minute she is sick and yet we were finding out now, two weeks later. He then went on to say that Amber is angry with me and wants nothing to do with me so a goodbye visit is out of the question. She feels rejected again (hmmm, funny he says again as he has never been honest about her feeling this way in the past). He also said I had hard questions to face in the years to come. Funny that one. I laughed. I welcome the hard questions because I know they won't like the outcome of the answers. She has no idea what they did to steal her from us and if they think I won't tell her one day they are in la la land.
He also had a few other digs at me and came out with another lie saying they were going to meet with me about my wanting Amber back all those years ago but because of the court summons they decided not to. I was amazed he was going to this extent. So far, they had had the phone call at the three day agreed period to say what I wanted to do and when Mum relayed I wanted to raise Amber they ended the conversation. A week later they received my letter asking them to give her back to me which they replied saying no, she was theirs. Then my father called and spoke to them and discussed it with male adopter and then followed that up with a lengthy three page fax. This too was ignored. By this stage I was in New Zealand and had commenced legal action which they were aware of. Around this time, I wrote another letter, BEGGING them not to take her. Through their lawyer, they contacted MY lawyer and arranged a date to meet which a day before they decided against. My lawyer never sent them a court summons. All they ever got was a notification, AT the Interim hearing that I had withdrawn my consent. So I am at a loss to fathom how they can now turn around and lie about not knowing about the court proceedings when I made it clear I would fight for her. They ignored me so of course I sought legal advice. They have told themselves so many lies over the years it has turned into truth and yet I think because I have read and reread the court papers so many times, I know the timeline that is on file like the back of my hand. I don't need to lie because at least I have truth on my side.
So there you have it. Visits are still off but I have a feeling this will be ongoing. I will still fight for my life and that of my other children but it is so much harder than I ever felt it could be. I accept Amber is angry with me, hell I would be too. But I also know this anger is based on the little information she has and that I haven't actually done anything wrong so I lay the responsibility of that hurt at the feet of her adopters who caused it. I also feel anger is better than nothing - at least it shows she cares and that is enough to give the tiniest spark of hope to hold onto.