"I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive;
I've got all my life to live,
I've got all my love to give and I'll survive,
I will survive. Hey hey."
"I will Survive" - Gloria Gaynor
Since my last entry I have been pondering the content of my blog - especially the posts regarding where I am at; my head space. Some of my posts make me cringe. I haven't survived all I've had in my life to be a weak, blubbering mess on a blog.
And so with this post, I aim to offer the other side of Myst - the every day side of me IRL.
I don't cry all the time. In fact I smile. And laugh. Alot. I work from home these days which enables me to both work and care for my son who is four and be here when both of them are sick or during school holidays.
My parents and one sister live within 10 minutes drive. The other lives in London which is hard for all of us because we miss her so much. However, we get to cherish our time together more when she is here because it is special now.
I have an awesome husband who has been through his own crap in life as a child. He is a survivor of childhood neglect. Parenting has been difficult for him at times because he never had a platform from which to grow. But you wouldn't know this to see him with our kids. He is a fabulous father - he does so much for them and our kids love their Daddy.
Although our kids know about Amber, we don't talk about it every day. My other daughter Noodle is 8 and goes to a great little school. She loves snakes, lizards, crocodiles - basically anything reptilian in nature. Australian much?! Noodle is very passionate about animals, the environment and children who don't have as much as she does. She also loves technology and currently loves playing her DS or on Daddy's computer when allowed.
Dude is four and is gorgeous (well they both are). His nature has the girls (some as old as 60 odd) swooning for him already. A gentle soul, he loves his sister's dresses and currently swaps between being super-man, Prince Phillip from Sleeping Beauty and a fairy in a pink dress. He is very much a Mama's boy at the moment and I love every second of it.
We are in the middle of organising ourselves for our big move across the ditch - meaning from Australia to New Zealand. As with most things in my life, I am defying the trend and moving against the flow. This is my husband's choice as much as mine. There is so much to do; so much to organise - like what to do with our car, when to get the removalists in, what to take, what to get rid of and whether or not we can sell anything. This is at times, a rather large headache!
Weekends see us enjoying a quiet sojourn at home recovering from the week or at the beach or one of several favourite parks. It is all fairly normal stuff. And the house (rather, I should say, the shoe box) is often filled with laughter amongst the squabbling and noise of children. Again, normal.
When I look at my every day life, it shows I have survived. It hasn't been easy, and I don't do well some days - in fact some days, things get damn right ugly. But those days are not my life. They don't define me. I am not a crazy, wrist - cutting, unstable freak. But I am a mother whose child was taken and there is nothing in this world that can take that pain away. So we do what we can. We survive the best we can.
Lately, I would say, I have done more than survive, I am living again... albeit with difficulty at times. I am enjoying craft again - when we were in Belgium last year, I purchased a very difficult cross-stitch kit for expert/advanced stitchers - I am only intermediate. But I am enjoying the challenge. I also just finished creating the photo books of our trip.
For the first time ever, I am also making plans for my future and for the kids. Up until last year, I could barely see beyond the next week and thinking more than 6 months ahead was exhausting and painful. Because always, in the back of my mind, was the question of how Amber would fit into my life and the possibility she wouldn't. Now I know I cannot change that and I am living anyway.
So, there you have it. This week is not a good week for me as there are things going on I cannot blog about here. But it is making life really miserable. Despite this, I am hanging onto the blessings I do have and sharing them here to take the focus off the pain and anguish I always blog about. Part of the reason I don't like to blog about the good side of my life is I feel I am sending out the wrong message - as in, if I look okay then what happened was okay and it is okay to inflict this on another mother. I also feel guilty about being happy sometimes, as if it is somehow betraying Amber - because how can a mother 'give away her baby' and then carry on with her life?
Of course that isn't what happened... but it is how I have sometimes felt in the past. I am trying to change that now - to show that depsite the evil that happened, I am a survivor. What happened was wrong and it will never be okay or right. But I am holding my head high anyway.
I am a survivor. And I will survive this. But I will do it the way I need to and sometimes that may appear as if I am not coping. But I am.
I. Am. A. Survivor.