30 June 2012

Beautiful...


Beautiful

I'd love to look at you. In your eyes. Just once. Once
To see how our eyes are the same. I have have your eyes.
Your hair, your lips, your hopes, your self, your everything.
What force pushed us away? What will bring us back? Anything?
I'll know someday. Is what you carried in your womb still in your heart?
Grwoing. Kicking.
We are connected by more than just blood. Our feelings, our dreams, our souls.
Our connection.
Somewhere. Deep inside, I can feel you. I hear your voice calling me.
Young and breathless.
We are. I dream. Of your face. Laughing. Crying.
Embracing what is so far away.
What I long for. Bringing me salvation in my time of need. A bond.
Never shattered, never replaced.
Only put on hold. To be discovered. I love what you represent.
My being, myself.
I have no photos, no misrepresented images of a mystery.
Why can't I look in the mirror and see.
You. Behind my smile, my hands, my eyes. There you are.
Waiting. To be discovered.
Or are you hiding from the inevitable thing we call lonelines?
Sing to me. I want to hear your voice.
Talk to me. I want to feel your pain.
Listen to me. I am your own.
Hear me. I need. See me. I want to be educated.
Be me. I am you. Dreams of embraces are lost in glass pillows.
Reality. I am not yours to have and hold.
Iron walls. Close in.
You are somewhere, anywhere, nowhere.
I can't see you.
Are you running? Do you dream of me?
Darkness. My, your, our mind.
Plays with my eyes and teaches my heart to fly from pain.
Did you whisper to me at night? Inside you.
Did you rationalise leaving me?
Did you cry on me, in you, when everyone else was asleep?
Dreaming.
Did you look at me? Did you see me?
What were you thinking as they tore me from you? How do you sleep?
Do you sleep?
I don't.
Dreaming of the day your heart.
Your door, your mind, your pain, your eyes, your ears, your arms.
Will open to me and I can call.
Scream. Cry.
Your name.

Mother.

Written by Anonymous - found online 1999

I discovered this poem in 1999 when I first made it online after losing A.  The pain in the words - the wondering - it spoke volumes to my heart as it felt like the questions to the answers I had.  I wish I could find who wrote it and if they ever pass by my blog, thank you for articulating the other side so eloquently.

 

20 June 2012

This...

I saw this picture on my wall on Facebook the other day... how apt and perfectly it describes the living with adoption loss... whether for the mother or the adoptee...


I will live my life, hold my head high, and do what I can but the pain and grief of losing my child unnecessarily and by force to adoption will never ease until the day I die.