10 July 2012

Neverending...

Life for me has been fairly good of late... okay, I have fought to make it good of late.  We are currently in the throes of sorting through our shoebox (what we all call our home) for the move across the ditch.... or New Zealand for those who don't know our slang terms!

Keeping busy has been good, most of the time.  I am getting more done now than I ever thought and I am hoping this move will truly be a great step forward for me personally as well as for our whole family.  I make plans more now, I laugh a lot, I see glimpses of my old self in the mirror.  We were sorting through photographs the other day and I came across a photograph of myself from only 4 years ago and I literally gasped as I saw eyes which held so much pain and so little life.  I am so very happy with how much my life has progressed of late and I don't miss the person I was from that time.

But still... in amongst all that joy I am holding so desperately to, there is the anguish, the pain.  The neverending saga of what adoption does in a person's life no matter how much we fight to live and look at the positives.

I miss A.  I miss her a lot. And the latest events which led to my earlier post 'Betrayal' have done much damage.  I cannot disclose what happened so openly here however suffice to say things have been harder.  Mainly because I felt I had been travelling so well and this event came and knocked me right out of the water.  Worse, this person cannot and refuses to accept what they have done is betrayal - neither do they wish to take accountability for their actions and expect others to wear the responsibility for it.  I have withdrawn from this person almost entirely, although right now I have left a partially open door so we can try and talk soon.

I just want a break.  Away from adoption, away from the anguish and the heaviness of it all.  Even with all the great things and the working on looking at all the positives, it remains

14 years and 5 months into my life sentence... and I just want it to be lifted.  I want to be a normal person who deals with normal things.  Anyone who says dealing with adoption loss (whether it is as an adoptee or a mother) is normal obviously has no idea what it is like.  It is not normal and it should not happen.  It isn't an unpreventable event; it is wholly preventable and mostly unnecessary... and in my case, outright criminal and abusive. Ugh.  Just so over it and exhausted by it's mere presence in our lives.

6 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for your loss, and your pain. You sound like a very strong person, who is doing the best she can. It's unfortunate that Amber's adopters are threatened by her relationship with you. Because that's what it is. They know they did wrong, and don't want their deeds brought to light. One day Amber will know the truth, and you will be there to help her sort out her feelings of loyalty to her adoptive parents, and to you. It's sad that she isn't being allowed to choose her own feelings for you. You seem to have her best interest at heart, even when it hurts you, which shows your deep love for her. One day, when the truth comes out, she will see their lies for what they are. As much as it hurts for her to hate you, that could be a sign that she knows it is safe to hate you. She knows your love is unconditional, so she can do the very typical 14 1/2 year old "I hate my mother" bit. She may not feel that it's ok to hate her adoptive mother, because she knows her love is conditional, based on her being a "good daughter". Who among us didn't hate
    our mother at 14? You accept her, all of her, even when some of her feelings are hurtful and difficult. That's what a mother does, and I'd be willing to bet she doesn't get that acceptance from her adoptive parents. Keep up the healing, so in 3 1/2 years, when Amber is 18, you will be ready to heal together.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you Kristina for your kind words. I so hope it is that she feels safe to hate me... that she knows underneath it all I will love her. It is hard and it is painful but it is what it is I guess. Right now, I am just exhausted. But thank you for some perspective... very helpful as when I am so tired, things can get cloudy.

    Myst xxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi Myst,

    Good to hear that you are staying positive and preparing for your move. I wish you much love and joy.

    When you wrote "life sentence" it really struck a chord in me. Yes.....it is true.

    I think what Kristina posted makes sense. Your daughter really does not have the maturity to voice that she hates the unatural situation of adoption. That she may hate having to fufill her adoptive mother's expectations at her own expense. So she just "hates" you.

    I think the reason that adoption heaviness is so great for both of us is that we know what our children's adoptive parents are doing to them. I can never fully relax, or enjoy my life knowing that my daughter is with people who do not truly accept and love her for who she is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your comment...

      "That she may hate having to fufill her adoptive mother's expectations at her own expense. So she just "hates" you." I hadn't thought of it like that but you could be right! I hope so anyway. It must be awful living with the expectations of one woman let alone not knowing what the expectations are of another - and expecting there to be some... (hope that made sense, lol)

      Sigh. Your last sentence... resonates with me. It is so very true. They have never given a damn about her - they care about her in how it affects them. I have not seen any evidence of pure love for my daughter and that makes me ache so much for her. I want her to know that natural love; not what she has now.

      Delete
  4. Myst,
    I wanted you to know that I am reading your story. I started at the beginning, and am now in 2010. My heart breaks for you over and over. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. And I am so scared, because I feel that it will be headed my way before long.
    My oldest son is in a home that is all about appearances. And having me involved, doesn't do well for their appearances. Him wanting a relationship with me, must mean that she isn't good enough on her own. It breaks my heart, because I know he is suffering, and I have a feeling that one day he will "hate" me for what he has gone through.
    Hugs to you.
    Vikki

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Vikki :)

      Sorry I haven't responded before now!
      I am also sorry to hear your son is in a home that is so shallow... that makes it very hard on you, his mother, to know and see how it affects him. I hope one day he will be able to work out his feelings without hating you for it.
      (((Hugs back)))

      Delete

Note: only a member of this blog may post a comment.