21 September 2012

A letter for Wes

Wes,

You seem to be under a colossal miscomprehension that all children lost to adoption were adopted due to mothers who were, in your own crude words, “fuck-ups” (as stated on your blog).

This is simply untrue.  And it remains untrue regardless of what you choose to believe.  Your venomous attacks on me and mothers like me through my blog and now this post is simply unfounded, untrue and ignorant.  You offer no evidence to back up your claims and yet I have a mammoth pile of court papers/documents to prove what I say.

You also like to dictate to mothers their stories.  Pray tell, who are you to know all stories and fabricate lies?  Why do you feel the need to stoop to such a gutter level as to lash out and viciously attack women who are mothers and also other adoptees just because we do not ‘toe your line’?  You claim here that we are not open to discussion or conversation unless we completely agree with you yet that simply is not true and again you base those claims on your own actions.  I did not seek you out, nor did I even know of your existence until you disgraced yourself by attacking other people (who happen to be a mix of mothers, adult adoptees and adoptive parents) on my blog. 

As it says on my own blog, I am happy to enter into civil discussion however when you refer to me and others as a “fuck-up”, then I feel you are incapable of entering any real decent discussion and thus have no time for you and your shallow antics.

Your knowledge of adoption is so very limited and you fight against adoption reform.  That in itself is, quite frankly, the stupidest thing I have ever read.  Why would you be against anything that seeks to improve a dysfunctional system for the sake of children?  To me that immediately proves you do not care about the children involved in adoption but are in this for your own sake.  If you did care at all about the children you claim to love, then you would be their and our, biggest ally – not declaring yourself as “the face of your enemy”.  How do you expect to get anywhere with that sort of language and attack?

If you took the time to read any of the adoptees’ comments on my blog whilst you were busy trying to dictate my and our stories, you may have noticed a comment regarding a movement by adoptive fathers who are seeking to help adopted children – not hinder them.  Perhaps you should go back and read that comment and take the time to read the books mentioned.

If after all this you still want to carry on your merry way attacking people you have never met without any knowledge of what you are talking about, and creating a shallow movement that has no substantiality to it then please do so in your time and in your blog.  I will continue to fight the bigotry and hatred I see spewed forth by persons as yourself regardless and at the end of the day, if you are unable to address me with respect and dignity, then I will simply delete your comments so no one else has to deal with them.

Yours truly,
A mother of adoption loss who was proved fit to raise her child and only lost her through shady and corrupt dealings.

(Actually a comment I left on a blog post dedicated to me and my friends over on Wes' blog.  I posted it here, on my blog, as a way to highlight it as Wes, of course, deleted it every time I posted it - despite accusations I was not open to any discourse on my blog.  Mothers and adoptees are often plagued by imbeciles like Wes who would like to dictate our experiences and gaslight us in order to stop us from speaking up.  Newsflash to all adopters like Wes - we are not going anywhere as long as the likes of you are here to exploit children and use adoption to serve your entitled natures.)

14 September 2012

"Why can't we be happy?"

It has been that sort of week.  One where those less than impressed with mothers and adult adoptees who blog about the negatives in adoption, have come out to let us know how they feel.

Of course, that is okay.  Everyone has a different perspective and will view issues based on their own experiences and we don't all have to agree with each other.

However, there comes a point where I do take offense to those differing views and it is usually when they are reeking of entitlement or outright attacking a group of people for no real reason at all (read my last post for clairification)

A couple of days ago, Cassi (yes I am doing it again) blogged a powerful post regarding the view many PAP's and adopters/adoptive parents have or need to have in order to adopt our children whilst knowing it is causing a loss to the child and their family.  Read her post here

As is always bound to happen, a comment ensued informing Cassi and her readers how sick she was of "the whining of girls who couldn't possibly have raised their children but wnat to make sure no other women gets to celebrate becoming a mother." (direct quote, grammar and typo mistakes included) More on this comment in a minute.

I also read another blog by a mother regarding how she too had been left a comment by someone who was offended by the fact this mother felt loss and openly shared her feeling of loss and pain over her daughter being adopted.  She brutally proceeded to label this mother bitter and angry whilst telling her she created her own unhappiness and had no right to talk about the pain and loss of losing a child to adoption.

These two comments are very typical in adoption as is the thinking behind them. We receive them all the time - sometimes via email when they are too gutless to leave them on our blogs. How dare mothers of loss speak up?  How dare we expose the myths and remind the world we exist and are human?  How dare we assert our motherhoods and claim our children?  How dare we explain how we always wanted to parent and raise our children ourselves but were prevented by a society totally geared towards creating a make believe family?  The audacity of mothers like Cassi, myself, the author of the second blog mentioned and other mothers! 

So we get "Why can't we be happy?"

But that isn't the issue really.  I have no issue with people being happy.  In fact the more happy people, the better.  What I do take issue with is HOW you try and find happiness.  And if your happiness depends on or leads to the trauma, pain and anguish of another human being then I don't believe you do deserve to be happy because real happiness, one that comes from within would never celebrate in the loss of someone else.

True happiness does not come from making or celebrating another's suffering and yet THAT is what adoption is founded on.  Loss.  Pain.  It doesn't matter what sort of adoption it is either because every single adoption features loss somewhere along the line: whether it is the loss of the mother at birth or the normal loving relationship of a mother who becomes abusive.  Loss is there.  Whether it is in losing one's baby at birth because one is too young/unwed/forced/coerced etc or taken from you because of poor choices made.  Loss is prevalent.  And even for those seeking to create this loss, they too have faced loss in that they have never been able to experience pregnancy or a child.  Loss is prevalent in their decision as well.  And so all this loss occurs and people expect it to create happiness somehow.  Sorry but piling loss on top of each other does not create anything except an even greater pile of loss.

What I cannot comprehend in all this loss is how a woman, who is suffering loss of her dreams of being a mother, can then expect another mother to lose her own child.  This for me is baffling.  Because I could never want someone else to experience a loss to fulfill a dream for me.  I couldn't live with myself; its not how I work.  Yet that IS how it works in adoption, with the encouragement of money hungry agencies looking to line their pockets with thousands.

Look at the language they use!  If a mother chooses to parent as opposed to following through with an "adoption plan", instead of celebrating a mother and child staying together, we see the terminology of "a failed placement". FAILED.  WTF??  I am sorry but there is NOTHING failed in a mother deciding to step up to the plate and parenting HER child.  This is a celebration.  This is motherhood at its most natural and to use the word failed is testament to how low the adoption industry and society has fallen.  It is despicable.  And not only that, we have to put up with the bemoaning of these said failed placements.  THEY are allowed to let the world know how they feel.  THEY get to grieve and lash out and say terrible things and allowances made for them... and yet we mothers who lose our children to the likes of these women for doing NOTHING but being young, or raped or poor or simply coerced to believe we are not good enough, have to shut up and deal with it.  If we don't, we are boxed and categorised; labelled and hated.  Hypocritical much??!

So to answer the question that started off this post. NO, you can't be happy when your happiness rests on the loss of another human being.  Mothers who are young and unwed are people.  They feel just like you do, they get hurt the same as you do.  Where was their protection?  Where is their support?  Why is it only women with a gold band get that recognition as being a human?  And what about the child you so desperately want? THEY want their mothers - the ones they have spent 40 weeks getting to know; her voice, her heartbeat, her dna, her very core.  It doesn't seem very loving at all to want to rip all that away from a child in a desperate bid to be happy.

Bad things happen to good people - infertility being one of those bad things.  However bad things happening do not entitle ANYONE on this earth to go and cause another bad thing to another person to make yourself feel better.  Didn't anyone tell you two wrongs do not make a right?  That's a life lesson 101 right there.

To be honest, I am sick of hearing the "poor me" songs from those who are not getting a newborn baby fast enough.  I am over hearing the "me, me, me, me, me" sentiments from those who feel they deserve another mother's child for whatever reason they have told themselves.  I am over women, gross, horrible women who are so wrapped up in their own pain they are more than happy to lash out and seek to hurt another human being so they can get what they want.  I am over it.  I have no empathy for the likes of these women because they used it up when they made the choice to hurt someone for their selfish gain.  I and many other mothers and our children have suffered because of the likes of these women.  Because they were unable to get passed their grief and so put it onto us.  I am a compassionate and empathetic person (it is what got me into this mess in the beginning) but I am clean out for those who care so little about others.

If you can only be happy by taking another woman's baby and then by lashing out at mothers of adoption loss, then you can never be happy.  That baby will not fill the hole regardless of what you think.  Happiness comes from within - it is fought for, it is strived for.  It is in the caring for others, in the giving and not the receiving.  Happiness is not in adoption, for nothing of joy can grow in a cold, hard and ugly place which seeks to destroy for one's personal gain.

12 September 2012

There's an adoptive 'father' movement?

Recently my attention was drawn to the supposed adoptive 'father' movement.  Um, what?  Usually when one hears of a movement, it is already trending through other blogs and forums across the net and yet the comment that first told me of it is the first time I have heard of it.

And apparently the person who speaks about it thinks all mothers of adoption loss are "fuck-ups" (his words not mine) who realise the fun  in being said "fuck-up" is over and so we have cast ourselves as victims.  Because adoption only happens to children who are taken from abusive mothers or families.  Yeah, right.

For some reason this person believes he knows everything and all things about adoption and that his word and his alone is truth.  Given the very small part of adoption his involvment is in, I find it rather hilarious that his ego has over taken him to put him in the numero uno place in adoption.

So to all you mothers out there of adoption loss, according to this ignoramous, your baby was not coerced from your arms, there is no such thing as coercion, you are drug taking, child abusing women who deserved what she got.  Nevermind you might never have taken an illegal substance in your life or nevermind you do not drink or have even had a child to abuse - you are all these things anyway.  It doesn't matter that some of us were raped and our children taken from us through illegal and corrupt measures, oh no, because according to this particular adopter, he knows EVERYTHING about us that we apparently do not even know.

It doesn't matter that we come from good homes and have educations - our families are automatically no good and have the same issue with drug taking and alcohol abuse - even if they have never touched either before.

Because of what he thinks he knows about what happened through his adopted childrens' experience, then suddenly he is an expert on all aspects of adoption.  Again, yeah, right.

And this is why our stories need to be out there.  Because people like this who are so caught up in their own heads and mess, they are unable to see reality.  They are the types that hold victims of crimes accountable, that will make abused people pay for what happened to them.  They cannot hear or see the truth as they are blind and deaf to any other voice and then they transfer their own blindess and deafness to those of us dispelling the myths and bringing to light the real issues.

I have met several adopters like this.  And it is thanks to the likes of them the adoption world is the mess that it is.  People who like to see beauty as ugly and ugly as beauty.  People who have no qualm in ripping to shreds the lives of others and then say they have no apologies to make because they are just speaking the "truth".  These people are what is wrong with our society and why adoption continues to destroy and maim the lives it does.  These are the types that believe they are entitled to do whatever they please to another human being just because they breathe.  They have no logical explanations for what they say and they know nothing - absolutely nothing about the complexities in adoption and yet they present themselves as being specialists in it because they adopt.

At this point I want to thank those adoptive parents who are NOT like this person.  You know who you are and you are a balm to the wounds these people inflict.  I would say you truly care about the children you have brought into your family and I wish, so very much, more would be like you and give a damn about the realities of adoption.  There are enough issues and there is enough conflict out there without misinformed persons creating more!

I know my story and I know what happened to me is wrong.  If I don't fit into your little box of being a drug taking, child abusing 'bio mom' that is your issue, I didn't create those boxes.  My story is not for you or anyone to judge, it happened.  If you don't like that or you choose to disbelieve it, that is up to you - doesn't change the facts of what happened and says more about you than anything else.  Judge me all you like, again that falls on you at the end of the day.  What happened to me and my child was wrong.  And so are many adoptions that have taken place and still take place based on the very real coercion that exists in adoption today.  I have never abused a child in my life - rather I have been a child carer since I was 13 so that puts to bed the lie that so many mothers only lose their children because we are abusive, drug-taking, alcoholic women.  But then that is a stereotype created to help adopters feel good about what they have done.  Doesn't make it true or the adopters rescuers.  It just makes them part of the adoption machine that makes its billions by separating families and hurting lives.