12 September 2012

There's an adoptive 'father' movement?

Recently my attention was drawn to the supposed adoptive 'father' movement.  Um, what?  Usually when one hears of a movement, it is already trending through other blogs and forums across the net and yet the comment that first told me of it is the first time I have heard of it.

And apparently the person who speaks about it thinks all mothers of adoption loss are "fuck-ups" (his words not mine) who realise the fun  in being said "fuck-up" is over and so we have cast ourselves as victims.  Because adoption only happens to children who are taken from abusive mothers or families.  Yeah, right.

For some reason this person believes he knows everything and all things about adoption and that his word and his alone is truth.  Given the very small part of adoption his involvment is in, I find it rather hilarious that his ego has over taken him to put him in the numero uno place in adoption.

So to all you mothers out there of adoption loss, according to this ignoramous, your baby was not coerced from your arms, there is no such thing as coercion, you are drug taking, child abusing women who deserved what she got.  Nevermind you might never have taken an illegal substance in your life or nevermind you do not drink or have even had a child to abuse - you are all these things anyway.  It doesn't matter that some of us were raped and our children taken from us through illegal and corrupt measures, oh no, because according to this particular adopter, he knows EVERYTHING about us that we apparently do not even know.

It doesn't matter that we come from good homes and have educations - our families are automatically no good and have the same issue with drug taking and alcohol abuse - even if they have never touched either before.

Because of what he thinks he knows about what happened through his adopted childrens' experience, then suddenly he is an expert on all aspects of adoption.  Again, yeah, right.

And this is why our stories need to be out there.  Because people like this who are so caught up in their own heads and mess, they are unable to see reality.  They are the types that hold victims of crimes accountable, that will make abused people pay for what happened to them.  They cannot hear or see the truth as they are blind and deaf to any other voice and then they transfer their own blindess and deafness to those of us dispelling the myths and bringing to light the real issues.

I have met several adopters like this.  And it is thanks to the likes of them the adoption world is the mess that it is.  People who like to see beauty as ugly and ugly as beauty.  People who have no qualm in ripping to shreds the lives of others and then say they have no apologies to make because they are just speaking the "truth".  These people are what is wrong with our society and why adoption continues to destroy and maim the lives it does.  These are the types that believe they are entitled to do whatever they please to another human being just because they breathe.  They have no logical explanations for what they say and they know nothing - absolutely nothing about the complexities in adoption and yet they present themselves as being specialists in it because they adopt.

At this point I want to thank those adoptive parents who are NOT like this person.  You know who you are and you are a balm to the wounds these people inflict.  I would say you truly care about the children you have brought into your family and I wish, so very much, more would be like you and give a damn about the realities of adoption.  There are enough issues and there is enough conflict out there without misinformed persons creating more!

I know my story and I know what happened to me is wrong.  If I don't fit into your little box of being a drug taking, child abusing 'bio mom' that is your issue, I didn't create those boxes.  My story is not for you or anyone to judge, it happened.  If you don't like that or you choose to disbelieve it, that is up to you - doesn't change the facts of what happened and says more about you than anything else.  Judge me all you like, again that falls on you at the end of the day.  What happened to me and my child was wrong.  And so are many adoptions that have taken place and still take place based on the very real coercion that exists in adoption today.  I have never abused a child in my life - rather I have been a child carer since I was 13 so that puts to bed the lie that so many mothers only lose their children because we are abusive, drug-taking, alcoholic women.  But then that is a stereotype created to help adopters feel good about what they have done.  Doesn't make it true or the adopters rescuers.  It just makes them part of the adoption machine that makes its billions by separating families and hurting lives.


  1. (((Myst)))

    When I think of an "Adoptive Father Movement," I think of men like Dr. John Raible, Dr. Bert Ballard, and Dr. David Kirk.

    John Raible (also an adoptee) is an amazing advocate for the empowerment of transracially adopted children.

    Bert Ballard (also an adoptee) is also an excellent educator. Whenever someone mentions to me that they have a troubled adopted teen, I refer them right to his book.

    David Kirk developed the "Shared Fate" theory that made huge headway in the adoptive parent community toward the acceptance of openness in adoption. He theorized that one way of coping with adoption is to pretend like a child's origins do not exist or do not matter. His work suggests an alternate method of coping: acceptance and acknowledgement of an adopted child and their background.

    THESE are the men I think of when I think "Adoptive Father Movement," not men who arbitrarily insult women they've never met on the internet.

    It's really sad when someone will only accept a single story as truth about adoption, isn't it? Look at my own mother. Not abusive. Not a terrible person. Not irresponsible in the least bit. Her only "crimes" were that she was very poor and very scared.

    And can you imagine if I used my mother's story to negate the story of someone who had been abused and needed to be removed from their mother's care? To think there's only ever one reality and that *you* can't express pain because of some other mother's situation. Now that's just silly!

    Keep your head high Myst. You are the expert on your own story. No one else.

    1. Thank you Amanda. And thank you for those names, I have to say I hadn't heard of all these names before - something to check out :)

  2. I can't help but to think there are many adoptive fathers who would cringe at what this so-called man (father) has to say and would be quickly doing whatever they could to separate themselves from him if they were aware he was suggesting there was some kind of adoptive father movement that believes, judges and attacks as he does.

    This man/father is an abuser. There . . . I said it. But I, honestly, can't think of any other way to describe how his treatment of mothers who have lost their children to adoption and his attacks on adoptees trying to make him aware of the very real loss adoption can cause, can leave him as anything but an abusive man if you go on the very credible assumption that his beliefs are impacting his adopted children.

    I hope that, outside of First Moms and Adoptees, there will be adoptive parents who challenge him because if they don't, I believe they are leaving it wide open for him to set the way adoptive fathers (so often never heard from)believe about their children and the loss their children suffered before an adoption could ever happen.

    1. You are so right Cassi.... he is an abuser. Even the fact he gleely rejoices in having no compassion for mothers who lose a child to adoption shows him up for what he is.

      I do not deny there are women out there who are abusive and should have their children removed for the sake of the child but to stoop to the gutter as this person does and attack women he knows nothing about and place them all into one very narrow category, is something else.

      How can he possibly have passed a home test - that serious lack of empathy for the mother of the children he adopted makes me ask if he is possible of loving those children. Afterall she is a part of them. Adoption may change their legal parentage but that is all it does. It does not change our genetic make up and who we are - and it cannot change who are family is - paper or not. So in setting out to destroy all women based on his narrow vision of this one woman, he is also seting out to destroy a huge part of the children he adopted. How can that make him a good 'father'? In my eyes it shows how very limited he is and that he should not have been allowed to adopt.

      Being outraged at the abuse someone has suffered and wanting to stop that from happening again to others is one thing. Attacking women he knows nothing of and trying to destroy them based on no evidence whatsoever is another thing completely.

      Yes, he is an abuser and I am sad for those children that they went from one abusive situation to land in another - even if his abuse is on women he has never met.

  3. Thank God that my son didn't end up with a person like this for a father! I feel so bad for any children that are being raised in this person's home. (I can't call him a man ~ I don't know any men who would say the things he did.)

    1. No, the men I showed his comments to laughed. Not a man. But cruel and enjoys inflicting pain on others he has never met and knows nothing about. That is not someone who should be close to anyone's child let alone people in general.

      I am happy your son didn't end up in a home with someone like this too... my daughter wasn't so lucky. Some men feel so little they have to claim superiority to hurt... and my daughter's male adopter and this adopter would probably get on rather well - they both suffer from the same desire to see people hurt.

    2. Oh Myst... that breaks my heart. I am SO very, very sorry.

  4. What exactly is the stated goal of his AF movement, Myst?

    1. Hmmm, good question Julie. I don't know... all I can tell from what he has said is that he is anti adoption reform and wants to fight those who are trying to reform adoption. But I think its his own movement in a one-man-band kind of way.

    2. Just clarification here, we actually only have 7 members in this state....but we only started last month so, give us time. Great blog.



  5. He reckons he talks at adoption rallies? The RSPCA wouldn't let him talk about adopting a dog.

    1. LOL, no I reckon you are right! Seriously what is with this person?? And why in all that is good is he anti reform of adoption?? There are plenty of adoptive parents around who are able to see how broken the system is and whilst they may not agree with everything mothers and adopted adults have to say, many are happy to work with us to see those changes take place. This guy - well you know what I mean.

  6. I read his blog. It sounds like he adopted his children from foster care, which is very different than private newborn adoption. Which is no excuse for his lack of compassion for people who lost their children due to being young, or poor, or single. I think anyone would agree that drug addicted child abusers should not be allowed to care for children duh! Reformers are not saying children should stay in abusive homes. Perhaps there is confusion between different types of adoption situations. No two are alike. I struggle sometimes with how to talk to my nephew about his mother. My sister passed last month. She was a drug addict, an alcoholic, who often neglected her son. There is a fine line between validating his feelings toward her, while not insulting her. She is still his mother. He is part of her, like it or not. We talk a lot about how good people can sometimes make bad choices, and we can love people while hating their choices.

    1. Hi and thank you for your comment! :) You are so right... there is a huge difference between what he is pro and what I am trying to fight. Adoption reform is about ensuring mothers and children are not exploited and seeing the money in adoption removed.

      And yes, no one in any corner would ever want to see children remain where they are at risk, are being abused and neglected. My husband was neglected and hardly ever ate unless he fed himself. It has had a profound affect on him however he was never removed. As a young teen he used to wish he was adopted so he could be in a family like his friends had. Then when he grew up and after sorting a lot of his crap out, whilst not happy about what happened, he still sees his mother as his mother - while condemning her choices.

      I am sorry about the choices your sister made - those for herself and for her son. That must make it very difficult given she was your sister but you could see what she did to your nephew.

      I love the last sentence you wrote. How very true. Thank you again for taking the time to leave a comment.


Comments are on. Polite, respectful discussion is welcome. Abuse will not be tolerated. Thanks :)