It has been that sort of week. One where those less than impressed with mothers and adult adoptees who blog about the negatives in adoption, have come out to let us know how they feel.
Of course, that is okay. Everyone has a different perspective and will view issues based on their own experiences and we don't all have to agree with each other.
However, there comes a point where I do take offense to those differing views and it is usually when they are reeking of entitlement or outright attacking a group of people for no real reason at all (read my last post for clairification)
A couple of days ago, Cassi (yes I am doing it again) blogged a powerful post regarding the view many PAP's and adopters/adoptive parents have or need to have in order to adopt our children whilst knowing it is causing a loss to the child and their family. Read her post here
As is always bound to happen, a comment ensued informing Cassi and her readers how sick she was of "the whining of girls who couldn't possibly have raised their children
but wnat to make sure no other women gets to celebrate becoming a
mother." (direct quote, grammar and typo mistakes included) More on this comment in a minute.
I also read another blog by a mother regarding how she too had been left a comment by someone who was offended by the fact this mother felt loss and openly shared her feeling of loss and pain over her daughter being adopted. She brutally proceeded to label this mother bitter and angry whilst telling her she created her own unhappiness and had no right to talk about the pain and loss of losing a child to adoption.
These two comments are very typical in adoption as is the thinking behind them. We receive them all the time - sometimes via email when they are too gutless to leave them on our blogs. How dare mothers of loss speak up? How dare we expose the myths and remind the world we exist and are human? How dare we assert our motherhoods and claim our children? How dare we explain how we always wanted to parent and raise our children ourselves but were prevented by a society totally geared towards creating a make believe family? The audacity of mothers like Cassi, myself, the author of the second blog mentioned and other mothers!
So we get "Why can't we be happy?"
But that isn't the issue really. I have no issue with people being happy. In fact the more happy people, the better. What I do take issue with is HOW you try and find happiness. And if your happiness depends on or leads to the trauma, pain and anguish of another human being then I don't believe you do deserve to be happy because real happiness, one that comes from within would never celebrate in the loss of someone else.
True happiness does not come from making or celebrating another's suffering and yet THAT is what adoption is founded on. Loss. Pain. It doesn't matter what sort of adoption it is either because every single adoption features loss somewhere along the line: whether it is the loss of the mother at birth or the normal loving relationship of a mother who becomes abusive. Loss is there. Whether it is in losing one's baby at birth because one is too young/unwed/forced/coerced etc or taken from you because of poor choices made. Loss is prevalent. And even for those seeking to create this loss, they too have faced loss in that they have never been able to experience pregnancy or a child. Loss is prevalent in their decision as well. And so all this loss occurs and people expect it to create happiness somehow. Sorry but piling loss on top of each other does not create anything except an even greater pile of loss.
What I cannot comprehend in all this loss is how a woman, who is suffering loss of her dreams of being a mother, can then expect another mother to lose her own child. This for me is baffling. Because I could never want someone else to experience a loss to fulfill a dream for me. I couldn't live with myself; its not how I work. Yet that IS how it works in adoption, with the encouragement of money hungry agencies looking to line their pockets with thousands.
Look at the language they use! If a mother chooses to parent as opposed to following through with an "adoption plan", instead of celebrating a mother and child staying together, we see the terminology of "a failed placement". FAILED. WTF?? I am sorry but there is NOTHING failed in a mother deciding to step up to the plate and parenting HER child. This is a celebration. This is motherhood at its most natural and to use the word failed is testament to how low the adoption industry and society has fallen. It is despicable. And not only that, we have to put up with the bemoaning of these said failed placements. THEY are allowed to let the world know how they feel. THEY get to grieve and lash out and say terrible things and allowances made for them... and yet we mothers who lose our children to the likes of these women for doing NOTHING but being young, or raped or poor or simply coerced to believe we are not good enough, have to shut up and deal with it. If we don't, we are boxed and categorised; labelled and hated. Hypocritical much??!
So to answer the question that started off this post. NO, you can't be happy when your happiness rests on the loss of another human being. Mothers who are young and unwed are people. They feel just like you do, they get hurt the same as you do. Where was their protection? Where is their support? Why is it only women with a gold band get that recognition as being a human? And what about the child you so desperately want? THEY want their mothers - the ones they have spent 40 weeks getting to know; her voice, her heartbeat, her dna, her very core. It doesn't seem very loving at all to want to rip all that away from a child in a desperate bid to be happy.
Bad things happen to good people - infertility being one of those bad things. However bad things happening do not entitle ANYONE on this earth to go and cause another bad thing to another person to make yourself feel better. Didn't anyone tell you two wrongs do not make a right? That's a life lesson 101 right there.
To be honest, I am sick of hearing the "poor me" songs from those who are not getting a newborn baby fast enough. I am over hearing the "me, me, me, me, me" sentiments from those who feel they deserve another mother's child for whatever reason they have told themselves. I am over women, gross, horrible women who are so wrapped up in their own pain they are more than happy to lash out and seek to hurt another human being so they can get what they want. I am over it. I have no empathy for the likes of these women because they used it up when they made the choice to hurt someone for their selfish gain. I and many other mothers and our children have suffered because of the likes of these women. Because they were unable to get passed their grief and so put it onto us. I am a compassionate and empathetic person (it is what got me into this mess in the beginning) but I am clean out for those who care so little about others.
If you can only be happy by taking another woman's baby and then by lashing out at mothers of adoption loss, then you can never be happy. That baby will not fill the hole regardless of what you think. Happiness comes from within - it is fought for, it is strived for. It is in the caring for others, in the giving and not the receiving. Happiness is not in adoption, for nothing of joy can grow in a cold, hard and ugly place which seeks to destroy for one's personal gain.