17 September 2013

The imbalance of responsibility in Adoption

This is a new thought I have had so please bear with me as it is still in the process of completely forming in my head.  (The brain is a bit slow at the moment, so much going on IRL - ie outside adopto-land).

The discussions about infertility and adoption of late have given me a lot to mull over.

After posting my previous blog and receiving a comment on it, something clicked for me and that is there is an extreme amount of imbalance in how "responsibility" is placed in adoption.

The discussions regarding the "misplacing of blame on adoptive parents" etc has made me question why people view calling people to account for themselves in that way is so terrible when really all I am doing is redefining boundaries and lines that should never have been blurred in the first place and trying to find a balance between all parties involved.

In this world, we have this desire to 'fix' things.  To make neat and tidy packages out of situations we feel are messy.  And infertility is one of those situations.  It is messy in that it involves pain, heartbreak and loss.  It isn't something society is comfortable sitting with because we know there isn't really a proper solution for it - ie we cannot make an infertile person fertile again although I am sure it has been tried.  So society 'we' searches for the next best thing.  Ahh, a young woman who is facing an unplanned pregnancy.  Who better?  Society deems her as not in a place to raise her child and so the two parties are pitted together to create a "neat" and "tidy" package.  Mother has baby, goes on with her life (supposedly, at least that is what society wants her to do) and the couple suffering infertility have a baby.  'Problem' solved!  Society breathes a sigh of relief and moves on.

BUT and this is a really huge BUT... it DOES NOT work.

In doing this, the responsibility of "fixing" an issue that actually CANNOT be fixed, ever, is placed on the shoulders of women in their most vulnerable time and also onto their children.  And in this, society absolves these couples suffering of ALL responsibility, making allowances for them, and giving them what they want because this situation must remain 'neat and tidy' at all costs.

In my previous post I linked Claudia's recent blog which raised a phenomenal amount of comments.  Over 300!  In these comments, those fighting adoption and calling sufferers with infertility to account for their own pain, we were compared to the KKK, Mein Kamf and racists.  However when mothers of adoption loss or adult adoptees quote passages about injustice from Martin Luther King for example and talk about human rights violations we get slammed from EVERYWHERE.  We are not allowed to speak up.  Our voices are stomped on by society in general because by speaking out and drawing attention to the fact the "neat" and "tidy" solution actually has caused a bigger mess and is NOT a solution, it places responsibility back onto society and they really don't want that.  Because it forces them to accept there are things in life that simply cannot ever be fixed.

Calling people to account or to own their pain is not actually being nasty.  It is not being mean.  It is doing something sufferers of all different traumas are asked to do the world over.  It is not saying they have "to get over it".  NO WAY!  But it is saying they need to recognise their are boundaries to how we relate to people even when we suffer.  We cannot use our pain as an excuse to go out and cause harm.  And regardless of where you sit with adoption, making allowances for couples with infertility to cause an unnecessary separation between a mother and her baby, is allowing them to use their pain to cause harm.  It is allowing that pain to spill over from their lives and into the lives of a stranger's family.  That isn't okay.  It is wrong.  And this needs to be recognised and understood by those pushing couples to adopt instead of helping them learn to live with their pain.  Rather than creating a demand for unavailable infants, rather than asking couples to shift their personal responsibilities onto the shoulders of someone in a vulnerable position, there needs to be recognition that infertility causes untold pain and heartache and there is NO fix for that.  Even adoption is not really a fix, merely a distraction, but it doesn't fix infertility.

Just as I was sitting down to write this and was checking Facebook as I often do, a blog post written by Adoptive mom Margie popped up and so I headed over to read it.  I really appreciate this post she has written and it raises some more very interesting points.  Head over and have a read as I feel this issue is so much more than infertility vs fertility... adoptive parents vs natural parents.  You can find it here.

I am going to leave this here for now.  Like I said, this is still part of a long thought process that is going on in my head so I may pick this up again some other time.  In the meantime, I will end here.

13 August 2013

If you are pregnant and scared in New Zealand...

Over the past few months I have had a few searches along these lines that have lead readers to my blog... in particular my post on New Zealand and Adoption.  This search could be from anyone but in case there are genuinely scared and pregnant women searching with these terms then I would like to welcome you to my blog and find out how I can help you.

First, I am sorry if you have found yourself in an unplanned/unexpected situation and you are scared.  I truly understand having been there myself and if you, like myself, are afraid of telling anyone, then it is a very lonely and isolated place to be. I hope we can make this easier for you and find for you a way to navigate the months ahead.

Right now you probably have a lot of things swirling inside you - emotions, thoughts, hormones even! - a lot is going on.  This only makes things more confusing and harder to determine what it is you need to do for yourself and your unborn baby.

I should disclose right now that I am NOT a counsellor nor am I a qualified professional in psychology or anything to do with counselling.  What I can tell you is I am a great listener and I have been where you are and spoken to many other women in the exact same place.  I can support and give you as much information as you need to make proper informed choices for you and your baby and if I feel I cannot, I can point you towards organisations who can.

If you have stumbled on my blog because you searched for adoption, well, that is a huge discussion and I usually like to follow up one on one rather than through my blog because there is a lot to digest and these decisions are not ones to be made lightly.

Very quickly however, here is a run down on the realities of adoption in New Zealand:
  • Adoption is a legal process that permanently severs a mother from her child and the rest of the child's family - ie grandparents, furture siblings, aunts, uncles etc.  Through adoption, your child is made a stranger to you and you become a stranger to your child in terms of the law.
  • New Zealand does NOT have Open Adoption as a legal option.  The current law has NO provisions for legally enforced open adoption and the only legal adoptions at this current time are closed adoptions.  Whilst there are stories of successful adoption placements where families give the mother varying degrees of contact, it would be remiss of me or any other organisation or counsellor to not make you aware that it is a verbal agreement ONLY and can be closed at any point should the people adopting your child desire it to.  I know this from personal experience and the experiences of other mothers who have lost or placed children to/for adoption.
  • Adoption is known to have lifelong mental health consequences to both the mother and her child as well as the extended families.  Placing a child for adoption does not mean you no longer have responsibilities for your child; it just means you do not have the day to day care of your child or involvment in your child's life.  Once a mother, always a mother regardless of what happens to your child and one day your future children may want information and your child may want to have a relationship with you and the rest of your (which is also their) family.
  • When a child is adopted, their birth certificate is altered to reflect the adoptive parents as if they are the biological parents.  The real birth certificate, the legal document that records who gave birth to the child is locked away and is only accessible after a child is 20 in New Zealand.  Whilst this may not be important to a mother, many adopted adults have shared how distressing this is to them as a birth certificate is a record of birth, not a record of whom a child grows up with.
  • Whilst pregnant, it is easy to find yourself vulnerable and impressionable to the ideas and wishes of others.  Should you be pushed into placing your child for adoption (which is actually illegal) and sign an adoption consent, please be aware THERE IS NO REVOCATION PERIOD.  In other words, no matter how your consent is obtained be it influenced, bullied, forced etc, once you sign that consent, that is it.  Unless you have very clear evidence which proves this is a coerced consent, then you will find yourself very unlikely to revoke/withdraw that consent and regain your baby.  
  • Currently in New Zealand, we operate under an Act which was put in place in 1955.  This was a time when the majority of adoptions were forced and this was a practise that was worldwide.  Australia recently took accountability for their own part in the actions taken to forcibly adopt children and apologised to the many affected by these harsh practises.  It is the only country to have taken this step.  You can read the full apology transcript here.  New Zealand meanwhile still operates through the exact same law it did back then making mothers and their babies vulnerable to the same or similar practises depending how lucky or unlucky you are.

Should you wish to discuss the full impacts of adoption or other choices available, please email me at myst1998@hotmail.com and I can help you further or direct you to those who can.  I understand this is a very difficult time and my aim is to remain as neutral as possible although my wish is to see families stay together.  I am not here to judge your decision however and will do my best to advocate for you during what is a very scary time.

Thank you for reading if you made your way to the bottom and I wish you all the very best.  Please email me if you are interested in more information.

Some resources:
The list of blogs on the side of this blog - I have a varying amount by adopted adults, mothers of adoption loss, adoptive parents and others involved in adoption.
Book: "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier
Book: " Journey of  the Adopted Self" Betty Jean Lifton
Book: "Birthmothers" Merry Bloch Jones
Book: "The Secret Life of the Unborn Child" Dr Thomas Verny with John Kelly

22 March 2013

Courage of a Nation to look at wrongs as well as accomplishments

Yesterday, March 21 2013, the Prime Minister of Australia, Julia Gillard offered an apology for the forced adoptions that occured in Australia between 1950 - 1970.

It was an amazing moment to witness.

It was also an important speech.

Saying sorry and meaning it, takes courage.  It is easy to offer a flippant apology however that is not what was offered yesterday.  As Ms Gillard said, "As Australians, we are used to celebrating past glories and triumphs, and so we should. We are a great nation.  But we must also be a good nation.  Therefore we must face the negative features of our past without hesitation or reserve."

This is not about blame.  This is about a country looking into its past and saying "Yes, we did do that and it was wrong".  And you know what?  That takes courage.  Strength.  It is never easy to apologise or admit when we have wronged someone but it is a vital part of being a mature adult, a compassionate human being.  Without this ability, we stumble along, hurting others as we go.

Offering this apology was also more than just saying sorry.  It was about acknowledging what was done and saying it was wrong, because it was and is wrong.  Countless people lost their voices and have been treated in an appalling manner by society at large because this issue has been so readily dismissed.  Because it was not recognised as a wrongdoing.  So mothers, fathers, children and other family members were forced to not only endure this trauma but also the trauma of living it alone.  Of knowing if they spoke out, they would be ridiculed and treated abominably.

By acknowledging this wrongdoing, it brings about a sense of freedom.  A freedom to express what was done to us... a freedom to hold our head high and feel validated.

So many people question "Why are you not over this yet?"  or they jeer "Get over it already, stop playing the victim".  These statements are part of the damage.  They are unhelpful.  And they invalidate the suffering of the person who has walked this journey.  Validation is important.  If people want to see healing then they need to uplift, show empathy and allow the voices to be heard without shouting them down, without insulting and basically bullying them.  Because when a voice is closed down, when the person sharing their story is instructed to "get over it" or they are simply not believed, it is only causing more damage and the person causing that damage, is as guilty as the perpetrators of the original crime.

Below, I am including the transcript of the apology and speech by Prime Minister Julia Gillard.  It is powerful in that it validates, acknowledges and recognises a body of people so wronged, silenced and now, given a voice to their suffering.  I share this also because it is my story.  Whilst what happened to me was in New Zealand and in 1998, much of what happened in my case was similar.  And the result was the same.  This apology, although not offered to me, spoke to my core, to the pain and the cold places there that have seen no human warmth in validation for so very long.  Thank you Australia.  Thank you Julia Gillard.

National Apology for Forced Adoptions

THU 21 MARCH 2013

Prime Minister



In just over an hour’s time, the following words of apology will be moved in the Senate and the House of Representatives:

Today, this Parliament, on behalf of the Australian people, takes responsibility and apologises for the policies and practices that forced the separation of mothers from their babies, which created a lifelong legacy of pain and suffering.

2. We acknowledge the profound effects of these policies and practices on fathers.

3. And we recognise the hurt these actions caused to brothers and sisters, grandparents, partners and extended family members.

4. We deplore the shameful practices that denied you, the mothers, your fundamental rights and responsibilities to love and care for your children. You were not legally or socially acknowledged as their mothers. And you were yourselves deprived of care and support.

5. To you, the mothers who were betrayed by a system that gave you no choice and subjected you to manipulation, mistreatment and malpractice, we apologise.

6. We say sorry to you, the mothers who were denied knowledge of your rights, which meant you could not provide informed consent. You were given false assurances. You were forced to endure the coercion and brutality of practices that were unethical, dishonest and in many cases illegal.

7. We know you have suffered enduring effects from these practices forced upon you by others. For the loss, the grief, the disempowerment, the stigmatisation and the guilt, we say sorry.

8. To each of you who were adopted or removed, who were led to believe your mother had rejected you and who were denied the opportunity to grow up with your family and community of origin and to connect with your culture, we say sorry.

9. We apologise to the sons and daughters who grew up not knowing how much you were wanted and loved.

10. We acknowledge that many of you still experience a constant struggle with identity, uncertainty and loss, and feel a persistent tension between loyalty to one family and yearning for another.

11. To you, the fathers, who were excluded from the lives of your children and deprived of the dignity of recognition on your children’s birth records, we say sorry. We acknowledge your loss and grief.

12. We recognise that the consequences of forced adoption practices continue to resonate through many, many lives. To you, the siblings, grandparents, partners and other family members who have shared in the pain and suffering of your loved ones or who were unable to share their lives, we say sorry.
13. Many are still grieving. Some families will be lost to one another forever. To those of you who face the difficulties of reconnecting with family and establishing on-going relationships, we say sorry.

14. We offer this apology in the hope that it will assist your healing and in order to shine a light on a dark period of our nation’s history.

15. To those who have fought for the truth to be heard, we hear you now. We acknowledge that many of you have suffered in silence for far too long.

16. We are saddened that many others are no longer here to share this moment.  In particular, we remember those affected by these practices who took their own lives. Our profound sympathies go to their families. 

17. To redress the shameful mistakes of the past, we are committed to ensuring that all those affected get the help they need, including access to specialist counselling services and support, the ability to find the truth in freely available records and assistance in reconnecting with lost family.

18. We resolve, as a nation, to do all in our power to make sure these practices are never repeated. In facing future challenges, we will remember the lessons of family separation. Our focus will be on protecting the fundamental rights of children and on the importance of the child’s right to know and be cared for by his or her parents.

19. With profound sadness and remorse, we offer you all our unreserved apology.

This Apology is extended in good faith and deep humility.

It will be a profound act of moral insight by a nation searching its conscience.

It will stand in the name of all Australians as a sign of our willingness to right an old wrong and face a hard truth.

As Australians, we are used to celebrating past glories and triumphs, and so we should.

We are a great nation.

But we must also be a good nation.

Therefore we must face the negative features of our past without hesitation or reserve.

That is why the period since 2008 has been so distinctive – because it has been a moment of healing and accountability in the life of our nation.

For a country, just as for a person, it takes a lot of courage to say we are sorry.

We don’t like to admit we were mistaken or misguided.

Yet this is part of the process of a nation growing up:

Holding the mirror to ourselves and our past, and not flinching from what we see.

What we see in that mirror is deeply shameful and distressing.

A story of suffering and unbearable loss.

But ultimately a story of strength, as those affected by forced adoptions found their voice.

Organised and shared their experiences.

And, by speaking truth to power, brought about the Apology we offer today.

This story had its beginnings in a wrongful belief that women could be separated from their babies and it would all be for the best.
Instead these churches and charities, families, medical staff and bureaucrats struck at the most primal and sacred bond there is:  the bond between a mother and her baby.

Those affected by forced adoption came from all walks of life.

From the city or the country.

People who were born here or migrated here and people who are Indigenous Australians.

From different faiths and social classes.

For the most part, the women who lost their babies were young and vulnerable.

They were often pressurised and sometimes even drugged.

They faced so many voices telling them to surrender, even though their own lonely voice shouted from the depths of their being to hold on to the new life they had created.

Too often they did not see their baby’s face.

They couldn’t sooth his first cries.

Never felt her warmth or smelt her skin.

They could not give their own baby a name.

Those babies grew up with other names and in other homes.

Creating a sense of abandonment and loss that sometimes could never be made whole.

Today we will hear the motion moved in the Parliament and many other words spoken by those of us who lead.

But today we also listen to the words and stories of those who have waited so long to be heard.

Like the members of the Reference Group personally affected by forced adoption who I met earlier today.

Lizzy Brew, Katherine Rendell and Christine Cole told me how their children were wrenched away so soon after birth.

How they were denied basic support and advice.

How the removal of their children led to a lifetime of anguish and pain.

Their experiences echo the stories told in the Senate report.

Stories that speak to us with startling power and moral force.

Like Linda Bryant who testified of the devastating moment her baby was taken away:

When I had my child she was removed. All I saw was the top of her head – I knew she had black hair.

So often that brief glimpse was the final time those mothers would ever see their child.

In institutions around Australia, women were made to perform menial labour in kitchens and laundries until their baby arrived.

As Margaret Bishop said:

It felt like a kind of penance.

In recent years, I have occasionally passed what then was the Medindi Maternity Hospital and it generates a deep sadness in me and an odd feeling that it was a Dickensian tale about somebody else.

Margaret McGrath described being confined within the Holy Cross home where life was ‘harsh, punitive and impersonal’.

Yet this was sunny postwar Australia when we were going to the beach and driving our new Holdens and listening to Johnny O’Keefe.

As the time for birth came, their babies would be snatched away before they had even held them in their arms.

Sometimes consent was achieved by forgery or fraud.

Sometimes women signed adoption papers while under the influence of medication.

Most common of all was the bullying arrogance of a society that presumed to know what was best.

Margaret Nonas was told she was selfish.

Linda Ngata was told she was too young and would be a bad mother.

Some mothers returned home to be ostracised and judged.

And despite all the coercion, many mothers were haunted by guilt for having ‘given away’ their child.

Guilt because, in the words of Louise Greenup, they did not ‘buck the system or fight’.

The hurt did not simply last for a few days or weeks.

This was a wound that would not heal. 

Kim Lawrence told the Senate Committee:

The pain never goes away, that we all gave away our babies.  We were told to forget what had happened, but we cannot. It will be with us all our lives.

Carolyn Brown never forgot her son:

I was always looking and wondering if he was alive or dead.  …

From then on every time I saw a baby, a little boy and even a grown up in the street, I would look to see if I could recognise him.

For decades, young mothers grew old haunted by loss.

Silently grieving in our suburbs and towns.

And somewhere, perhaps even close by, their children grew up denied the bond that was their birth-right.

Instead they lived with self-doubt and an uncertain identity.

The feeling, as one child of forced adoption put it, ‘that part of me is missing’.

Some suffered sexual abuse at the hands of their adoptive parents or in state institutions.

Many more endured the cruelty that only children can inflict on their peers:

Your mum’s not your real mum, your real mum didn’t
want you.

Your parents aren’t your real parents, they don’t love you.

Taunts vividly remembered decades later.

For so many children of forced adoption, the scars remain in adult life.

Phil Evans described his life as a:

rollercoaster ride of emotional trauma; indescribable fear; uncertainty; anxiety and self-sabotage in so many ways.

Many others identified the paralysing effect of self-doubt and a fear of abandonment:

It has held me back, stopped me growing and ensured that I have lived a life frozen.

I heard similar stories of disconnection and loss from Leigh Hubbard and Paul Howes today.

The challenges of reconnecting with family.

The struggles with self-identity and self-esteem.

The difficulties with accessing records.

Challenges that even the highest levels of professional success have not been able to assuage or heal.

Neither should we forget the fathers, brothers and sisters, grandparents and other relatives who were also affected as the impact of forced adoption cascaded through each family.

Gary Coles, a father, told me today of the lack of acknowledgment that many fathers have experienced.

How often fathers were ignored at the time of the birth.

How their names were not included on birth certificates.

How the veil of shame and forgetting was cast over their lives too.

My fellow Australians,

No collection of words alone can undo all this damage.

Or make whole the lives and families fractured by forced adoption.

Or give back childhoods that were robbed of joy and laughter.

Or make amends for the Birthdays and Christmases and Mother’s or Father’s Days that only brought a fresh wave of grief and loss.

But by saying sorry we can correct the historical record.

We can declare that these mothers did nothing wrong.

That you loved your children and you always will.

And to the children of forced adoption, we can say that you deserved so much better.

You deserved the chance to know, and love, your mother and father.

We can promise you all that no generation of Australians will suffer the same pain and trauma that you did.

The cruel, immoral practice of forced adoption will have no place in this land any more.

We also pledge resources to match today’s words with actions.

We will provide $5 million to improve access to specialist support and records tracing for those affected by forced adoptions.

And we will work with the states and territories to improve these services.

The Government will also deliver $5 million so that mental health professionals can better assist in caring for those affected by forced adoption.

We will also provide $1.5 million for the National Archives to record the experiences of those affected by forced adoption through a special exhibition.

That way, this chapter in our nation’s history will never again be marginalised or forgotten again.

Today’s historic moment has only been made possible by the bravery of those who came forward to make submissions to the Senate Committee and also of those who couldn’t come forward but who nurtured hope silently in their hearts.

Because of your courage, Australia now knows the truth.

The report prepared so brilliantly by Senator Siewert and the Senate Committee records that truth for all to see.

This was further reinforced by the national consultations that Professor Nahum Mushin and his reference group undertook to draft the national apology.

Their guidance and advice to government on the drafting of the apology have been invaluable.

Any Australian who reads the Senate report or listens to your stories as I have today will be appalled by what was done to you.

They will be shocked by your suffering.

They will be saddened by your loss.

But most of all, they will marvel at your determination to fight for the respect of history.

They will draw strength from your example.

And they will be inspired by the generous spirit in which you receive this Apology.

Because saying ‘Sorry’ is only ever complete when those who are wronged accept it.

Through your courage and grace, the time of neglect is over, and the work of healing can begin.

27 January 2013

“Won’t somebody please think of the children?!”

A classic quote from the 'The Simpsons'  90's hit cartoon series which liked to 'take the mickey' out of common scenarios.

Lately I have found myself asking the same question in a completely different context.

Following on from my last post and all the recent posts I have read regarding the things people say to mothers and adoptees there seems to be an absence of something.  Something so important it is mindboggling in its absence.  And that is the CHILDREN who are supposed to be in the middle of adoption.

Adoption blogs write a lot about children – how much they are wanted and how adopters have this need or pre-ordained duty to adopt because God apparently told them so very directly.  And of course, they profess to love those children as is mandatory when speaking about children.   And yet I don’t see ANYTHING in the majority of these blogs which show compassion, empathy or real love towards these children.  Nothing which acknowledges these children as individuals with unique needs and a family whom they are missing or is being missed.

Many (note: I did not say ALL) adopters and paps (prospective adoptive parents) spend their time writing about what they want from a child and putting down other adoptees and mothers who dare to suggest they think about the child and his/her mother first, that there appears to be no actual care or concern for the child they are seeking.

In general though, adoption is NOT about children.  No, it isn’t.  It is actually only about the adults and the children are the pawn or the object at the centre of one’s desire or conversation about adoption.  They feature only as the focus on a goal to obtain or as a pity case.

Blogs, articles, research papers, books etc into the real trauma of adoption and its lifelong affects are thrown out the window and completely ridiculed because it does not suit the adoption industry to recognise the truth and they do not want to halt the number of infant adoptions taking place each year, as that would be bad for the multi billion dollar business adoption generates. 

Adopters and PAPs regularly ignore and rubbish the experiences of adult adoptees unless they sing adoption’s praises… they will ONLY listen to those adoptees who will gush the usual rhetoric that is so accepted in adopto -land.  Should any other adopted adult provide a well balanced argument or simply state their own experience as to why they disagree with adoption as it is currently practised, they are thrown the bitter card, the angry card or better still, the grateful card.  Their words are ignored; they are summarily dismissed and yet, hang on… THESE PEOPLE WERE ONCE THE CHILDREN ADOPTION IS SUPPOSED TO CENTRE ON!!!!

Which leads me to make the glaringly obvious point (which will not be popular, could possibly generate much anger, but is simply true) that children are simply NOTat the centre of adoption and it is the PAPs and adopters who are… it is all about what they want and what they get.  They frequently attack and shrilly scream across boards, Facebook, other social media sites, blogs and rallies about their needs, what about them, how innocent they are and how they deserve a child.  Their entitlement oozes with the disdain shown to other natural parents and adoptees.  They don’t care about the children.  If they did, open adoptions would be enforced through solicitors’ offices, or adoption would be substituted for guardianship orders.  Adoption numbers of newborns would fall dramatically over night and the demand would cease.

No, adoption is not about the children (yes, I will be saying this frequently).  How can adopters profess to love their adopted child while so openly hating the child’s family from whom they came and are linked to forever? (Not to mention complaining and whinging about their adopted child) It doesn’t matter what the reason is for the child’s adoption, if you so obviously hate the mother, father and extended family of the child you adopt, then you do NOT love the child. The child which is of their family and thus will inherit traits and quirks of the family you are so willing to hate.  It is impossible for love to exist in such a hate fuelled environment.  And indeed, there is plenty of evidence out there to show just what adopters think of their adopted child’s natural/original family. 

Am I saying all natural families are perfect?  Far from it.  Of course they are not – like anyone (including adoptive families) they have their faults and issues.  But what I am saying is when you adopt a child, whether you like it or not and regardless of what the law states, you actually involve an adopted person’s ENTIRE  family.  Even if you never speak to them, even if you wish they were dead, you are now inextricably linked to this family forever; merely because you have brought into your home/taken their child.  Man’s law may rewrite legal documents and change factual details thus producing false documents (ie birth certificates) but Man’s law cannot change DNA.  It cannot change a primal cellular connection wherein mother and child are forever linked through their exchange of cells and blood.  It cannot change that which has been natural and primal since the dawn of time.

For those who desire to break this connection, to tear it asunder and then mock it, only deepens the obvious fact adoption is not about the children.  Not all adoptive families are like this.  There are those who genuinely believed they were doing the right thing at the time they adopted and have maintained a connection and a relationship with their child’s family or tried to put right what they can.  THEY GET IT.  And even then, in the families I know, this has not always worked but at least the adoptive families have made the effort and have put themselves out there to understand and genuinely CARE.  I wish so much they were the norm, the usual story, alas, they are not sadly.  And so we see blog after blog, forum after forum of adopters and PAPs who voice their contempt for the natural families of children who are adopted.

I don’t believe adoption and the best interests and welfare of a child will ever be compatible.  Not really.  Because the way the law is structured and the fact adoption is literally about applying a  guillotine to a child’s relationship with their natural family regardless of whether there is a need for that, adoption simply serves the adults and not children.  It has been this way since the very earliest adoption days and has only increased in this vein ever since.  Children, like in so many adult-serving institutions and methods, are not seen as people.  They are abused, silenced in the most brutal ways and adoption is one of those ways.  From birth, they are dismissed as being a blank slate who has no voice.  They are not given the choice, they cannot voice their opinions or desires and so adoption happens to them in a way it does not happen to anyone else.  Adopters actively CHOOSE adoption thus causing a demand, some mothers CHOOSE adoption because they believe the lies and the adoption industry rhetoric that abandoning their child means loving them.  More mothers actually do not get a choice and their child is taken via coercion and force or because the mother has neglected or abused her child.  In the midst of this storm happening over their heads, are the children.  Children!   Our precious and valuable children and they are treated in the most abominable ways.  I see how my own daughter lost to adoption has been silenced and other children like her and it really upsets me as it is simply wrong to silence a child in that manner.

As adults we have so much power in our hands to wield over children who are vulnerable to the way in which we wield that power.  It is downright scary to see the way this power is wielded in adoption.  Terrifying.  How can people profess to love a child when their actions outright contradict those words?

So adoption remains about adults.  Adults who have the power.  Adults who use their skills in manipulation to wield their power over other adults momentarily without power, meanwhile without thought for the child supposedly at the centre of all this.

So I ask, will someone think of the children?  For real?  Forsaking their own desires and wants?  Will someone seek to discover the truth about adoption without putting their own need to have a child into the mix?  Will anyone REALLY stop to think of the CHILDREN?  Sadly, I think not.  No, as long as money and entitlement and the desires of adults are at the fore of adoption, children will be abandoned at the bottom of the scrap heap.

23 January 2013

Adoption's proud supporters

I am slow to post of late; mostly due to a hectic pace in life as we settle into a new routine here in NZ however I have also been spending my time reading the various blogs and pondering on their opinions and viewpoints.

One thing that keeps coming back to me of late, and I know I have said this numerous times in the past, is really and truly how hypocritical adoption is.  And not just with the way adoption is viewed by society and how society contradicts its own morals and ethics as soon as adoption is mentioned; but also in the way people involved in adoption behave, what is expected of them and who can get away with what.

It seems wildly contradictive that supporters of adoption ie adopters, agency workers and PAP’s can not only say what they please but do what they please (and some do some very wild things) and still come up squeaky clean whereas the rest of those involved in adoption – the mothers, adoptees and wider families hardly have to put a toe out of line and they are condemned as trash no matter what.

Reading the various blogs and comments pertaining to those blogs, I see a lack of civility in so many of adoption’s proud supporters.  They whinge, throw tantrums, are the most unmannered types of individuals and yet they get respect?  Again, only in the upside-down, inside-out world  of adoption where usual accepted behaviour is thrown out the window can many turn into horribly nasty villains and are still pitied and seen to be virtuous and good.

As I posted a couple of years ago now, adoption brings the very worst, most ugliest in humanity… for nothing can be so feral and revolting than the desire to take another mother’s child, at any cost - even unethically and downright illegally - to raise as one's own for one's own pleasure.

Not only is the hypocrisy in how the mass supporters of adoption behave but also in the way they get their message out.  They will use whatever means necessary to encourage a woman placing an unplanned pregnancy to GIVE up their child.  Should anyone, ANYONE, even in the most polite of ways should dare  raise their hand and question their actions, motives or methods, the most vile fights arise.  And they are usually started by those who cannot abide anyone speaking up about the unethical practises of adoption.  Regardless whether they are spoken to in civil terms, have the most intelligent constructed messages put to them, they turn into feral, wild animals and spray the most putrid vitriol possible and have the audacity to pledge for sympathy and label those who dared question as the instigators.  I would name one such occasion but I really do not need to… it is out there in internet land for all to see… from Facebook pages, to forums and blogs (including my own!), it remains in all its hideousness for the world to witness.  But most turn a blind eye to this side of adoption supporters.  Even though they dislike and feel uncomfortable with the manner in which they spray their putrid words, they will keep quiet and become colluders and just as guilty because it is ADOPTION that is the subject matter.  Like it is some ‘Holy Grail’ one must never question at any cost. Thus, hypocritical.

I am not surprised many blogs like my own are attacked.  And ridiculed.  And spoken about as if somehow we were the most evil people in the world.  As FMF recently posted, our words, our content make people uneasy, uncomfortable and so the only way for them to feel better about themselves is to become the sewer rats they accuse us of being and spray vitriol about us… and then to transfer their actions onto us.  Not only is it sad and shows them for who they are but I also find it funny of late.  Because they actually support us in the long run.  With their vile actions, their mean and nasty spirited words, in the end, they help our cause to show adoption as the rotten institution it really is.


Well that is simple really.  How many mothers out there really want these types of persons to raise their children?  How many want their children raised by strangers who are two-faced, nasty and cruel?  Do you really want to see what they think of you?  While pregnant, you may be their everything, their light, their treasure yada yada yada but for the majority, once those papers are final, you will become nothing and in order for you to get there, they will tear you apart in their minds, create lies about you that they will genuinely believe so they can slam that door shut in your face.  Their hypocrisy will be complete and you will be left in the cold.

And as a recent commenter put it:

As for their message… really?  I mean, they really think their message is all that sweet?  They write posts to tear us apart, claiming our manner of delivering our message is all wrong but have they taken the chance to look in the mirror so to speak?  I am not sweet, I say things like it is.  It is known as blunt honesty.  I don’t care how a person takes that and if it puts them off.  Just tells me real good old fashioned virtues like honesty are so unusual now that it makes people uncomfortable.  Tough.  Perhaps that is just a further symptom of how much lower the human race is sinking.  Truth. Honesty.  Justice.  Compassion.  Love.  None of these words have any meaning or real place in adoption.  Despite adoption being touted as an act of love, Love, real actual, honest-to-goodness-Love, is non-existent.  More contradictions.  More hypocrisy.  But then, that is adoption for you.  The biggest contradiction of humanity out there.  

10 January 2013

Two years on...

Yesterday marks two years since Kiwi Rose passed away... I still think of her often, and her girls, how her youngest is going and the aching space she left behind in her loved ones life.  I am so desperately sad this was the way out for her.  Sad the New Zealand government are so caught up in their own political careers and personal crap they couldn't do the right thing and change the archaic laws so another mother would not lose her child unnecessarily.  Sad that this could happen again given the state of the New Zealand Adoption Act 1955 and angry too that it cost a beautiful mother her life and her two daughters, their mother.

Still missing you Kristy as I know so many are... we will not break faith and we will make sure your story is known xxx