27 January 2013

“Won’t somebody please think of the children?!”

A classic quote from the 'The Simpsons'  90's hit cartoon series which liked to 'take the mickey' out of common scenarios.

Lately I have found myself asking the same question in a completely different context.

Following on from my last post and all the recent posts I have read regarding the things people say to mothers and adoptees there seems to be an absence of something.  Something so important it is mindboggling in its absence.  And that is the CHILDREN who are supposed to be in the middle of adoption.

Adoption blogs write a lot about children – how much they are wanted and how adopters have this need or pre-ordained duty to adopt because God apparently told them so very directly.  And of course, they profess to love those children as is mandatory when speaking about children.   And yet I don’t see ANYTHING in the majority of these blogs which show compassion, empathy or real love towards these children.  Nothing which acknowledges these children as individuals with unique needs and a family whom they are missing or is being missed.

Many (note: I did not say ALL) adopters and paps (prospective adoptive parents) spend their time writing about what they want from a child and putting down other adoptees and mothers who dare to suggest they think about the child and his/her mother first, that there appears to be no actual care or concern for the child they are seeking.

In general though, adoption is NOT about children.  No, it isn’t.  It is actually only about the adults and the children are the pawn or the object at the centre of one’s desire or conversation about adoption.  They feature only as the focus on a goal to obtain or as a pity case.

Blogs, articles, research papers, books etc into the real trauma of adoption and its lifelong affects are thrown out the window and completely ridiculed because it does not suit the adoption industry to recognise the truth and they do not want to halt the number of infant adoptions taking place each year, as that would be bad for the multi billion dollar business adoption generates. 

Adopters and PAPs regularly ignore and rubbish the experiences of adult adoptees unless they sing adoption’s praises… they will ONLY listen to those adoptees who will gush the usual rhetoric that is so accepted in adopto -land.  Should any other adopted adult provide a well balanced argument or simply state their own experience as to why they disagree with adoption as it is currently practised, they are thrown the bitter card, the angry card or better still, the grateful card.  Their words are ignored; they are summarily dismissed and yet, hang on… THESE PEOPLE WERE ONCE THE CHILDREN ADOPTION IS SUPPOSED TO CENTRE ON!!!!

Which leads me to make the glaringly obvious point (which will not be popular, could possibly generate much anger, but is simply true) that children are simply NOTat the centre of adoption and it is the PAPs and adopters who are… it is all about what they want and what they get.  They frequently attack and shrilly scream across boards, Facebook, other social media sites, blogs and rallies about their needs, what about them, how innocent they are and how they deserve a child.  Their entitlement oozes with the disdain shown to other natural parents and adoptees.  They don’t care about the children.  If they did, open adoptions would be enforced through solicitors’ offices, or adoption would be substituted for guardianship orders.  Adoption numbers of newborns would fall dramatically over night and the demand would cease.

No, adoption is not about the children (yes, I will be saying this frequently).  How can adopters profess to love their adopted child while so openly hating the child’s family from whom they came and are linked to forever? (Not to mention complaining and whinging about their adopted child) It doesn’t matter what the reason is for the child’s adoption, if you so obviously hate the mother, father and extended family of the child you adopt, then you do NOT love the child. The child which is of their family and thus will inherit traits and quirks of the family you are so willing to hate.  It is impossible for love to exist in such a hate fuelled environment.  And indeed, there is plenty of evidence out there to show just what adopters think of their adopted child’s natural/original family. 

Am I saying all natural families are perfect?  Far from it.  Of course they are not – like anyone (including adoptive families) they have their faults and issues.  But what I am saying is when you adopt a child, whether you like it or not and regardless of what the law states, you actually involve an adopted person’s ENTIRE  family.  Even if you never speak to them, even if you wish they were dead, you are now inextricably linked to this family forever; merely because you have brought into your home/taken their child.  Man’s law may rewrite legal documents and change factual details thus producing false documents (ie birth certificates) but Man’s law cannot change DNA.  It cannot change a primal cellular connection wherein mother and child are forever linked through their exchange of cells and blood.  It cannot change that which has been natural and primal since the dawn of time.

For those who desire to break this connection, to tear it asunder and then mock it, only deepens the obvious fact adoption is not about the children.  Not all adoptive families are like this.  There are those who genuinely believed they were doing the right thing at the time they adopted and have maintained a connection and a relationship with their child’s family or tried to put right what they can.  THEY GET IT.  And even then, in the families I know, this has not always worked but at least the adoptive families have made the effort and have put themselves out there to understand and genuinely CARE.  I wish so much they were the norm, the usual story, alas, they are not sadly.  And so we see blog after blog, forum after forum of adopters and PAPs who voice their contempt for the natural families of children who are adopted.

I don’t believe adoption and the best interests and welfare of a child will ever be compatible.  Not really.  Because the way the law is structured and the fact adoption is literally about applying a  guillotine to a child’s relationship with their natural family regardless of whether there is a need for that, adoption simply serves the adults and not children.  It has been this way since the very earliest adoption days and has only increased in this vein ever since.  Children, like in so many adult-serving institutions and methods, are not seen as people.  They are abused, silenced in the most brutal ways and adoption is one of those ways.  From birth, they are dismissed as being a blank slate who has no voice.  They are not given the choice, they cannot voice their opinions or desires and so adoption happens to them in a way it does not happen to anyone else.  Adopters actively CHOOSE adoption thus causing a demand, some mothers CHOOSE adoption because they believe the lies and the adoption industry rhetoric that abandoning their child means loving them.  More mothers actually do not get a choice and their child is taken via coercion and force or because the mother has neglected or abused her child.  In the midst of this storm happening over their heads, are the children.  Children!   Our precious and valuable children and they are treated in the most abominable ways.  I see how my own daughter lost to adoption has been silenced and other children like her and it really upsets me as it is simply wrong to silence a child in that manner.

As adults we have so much power in our hands to wield over children who are vulnerable to the way in which we wield that power.  It is downright scary to see the way this power is wielded in adoption.  Terrifying.  How can people profess to love a child when their actions outright contradict those words?

So adoption remains about adults.  Adults who have the power.  Adults who use their skills in manipulation to wield their power over other adults momentarily without power, meanwhile without thought for the child supposedly at the centre of all this.

So I ask, will someone think of the children?  For real?  Forsaking their own desires and wants?  Will someone seek to discover the truth about adoption without putting their own need to have a child into the mix?  Will anyone REALLY stop to think of the CHILDREN?  Sadly, I think not.  No, as long as money and entitlement and the desires of adults are at the fore of adoption, children will be abandoned at the bottom of the scrap heap.


  1. Well said Myst. It's all true and so sad. I see it all the time, even in my own family. I don't know what it's going to take to change things, maybe more and more posts like this one will help.

  2. You explain your point so well, and it is refreshing to hear the truth...adoption is not about the children.

  3. I agree with you! The very fact that adoption has become a business that is about finding infants for couples willing to pay for them, takes away any chance that adoption is at all about the children!

  4. On my family blog several years ago, I started a series about adoption and the adoption web/triad and was going to reveal who I thought was really in control of adoptions and who I thought it should be, but that never would be. As I talked it over with another PAP friend (at the time, we no longer talk to each other), she completely disagreed with me. I told her I believed it to be the adoptive parents, and she was adamant that, no, it was the "birth mothers" (her words) because they choose the families. Yeah, right. If these mothers could really choose what they really, really desired, adoption would happen. Adoption is very biased.


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