(Originally published: January 2010)
Earlier today whilst reading comments regarding "A Primal Wound", I found this quote in a comment by an adoptive father who claimed it was the best he'd ever heard:
“If I loved my child any less, I'd still have him with me.”
I was repulsed. Utterly and completely repulsed. This is the same vitrol, the very same lie I heard over and over again like a mantra during my days in hospital after declaring I would raise my child.
A manipulation of the very worst kind, to abuse the love a mother has for her child so that she would rip their relationship to shreds for the sake of another family to be created. Just vile.
This comment has been in my head all day and I am angry. Angry this lie is still being used to lure mothers into placing their babies with strangers. Angry that people still live in this bubble. Angry that anyone could believe such a lie.
It makes a mockery of all other parents who choose to raise their children themselves. It negates Nature and the normal methods of building a family (yes, that's right, I don't view adoption as a normal way of building a family).
This ghastly quote goes hand in hand with the concept that a mother who chooses to raise her own child is selfish and only looking out for her own needs. No, its NATURAL... you know, the normal way of life to have a baby and then raise them. Again, this is where we see hypocrisy in adoption raise its head. It is expected for a mother wearing a wedding band with a comfortable home with all the materialistic trappings to give birth and keep her child. This is accepted and expected. Take away all these things and suddenly a mother who does not have these things is different somehow. The only way she can prove her love seemingly, is to abandon her child to others to raise. Keep the baby and she is labelled selfish and told she is showing how little she loves her own baby.
What a dirty, evil lie. Manipulative. Cruel. Warped. Twisted.
Love cannot be judged by what house you have, how much money you have in the bank account. I have witnessed mothers who have nothing but a bed and a piece of tarpaulin for a home, parent. They loved their child just as much as any rich Westerner and love is not measured by the things we have. Giving away your child only sends one message to your child: You didn't want me and you don't love me. My daughter's adopters have told my daughter (albeit all lies) that I gave her up because I loved her so much blah blah blah but HER EXPERIENCE despite having all the so called love this person goes on about, she still feels abandoned and unloved by me, her mother... I know because she told me. So this lie has caused pain not only to me, but to HER. All the love in the world from biological strangers is never going to take THAT pain away. She needs to feel MY love, the truth of our bond.
To all young expectant mothers out there who are scared and concerned and have no idea what to do... please do not fall for this lie. Keeping your child is the NATURAL thing to do and should be your first option. Giving up your baby has nothing to do with love at all, it is all about desperation and fear. For most mothers, it is not even a choice that enters their heads... don't be fooled by the industry driven dribble that will tell you to prove your love by handing your baby, your flesh and blood who knows and wants only you, to strangers. I am not saying they wouldn't love your baby... but it isn't about that really at the end of the day. Anyone, any person in their right frame of mind would want a child to stay with his or her mother. Infant adoption survives on the lie that if you love your child you will give them away... translation: abandon your child so we can fill a quota. No love in that equation.
If I followed this senseless logic, this vile lie, my husband and I would have given up my other two children when they were born. But we didn't BECAUSE WE LOVE THEM. DOH!
As Joss Shawyer indicates in her book "Death by Adoption", a mother is told to give her child up because she loves him/her but what no one tells her is that if she really loves him/her, she would keep them. And I agree. Adoption from the perspective of the infant and his or her mother is the most UNNATURAL thing and is against everything in their world of normality. This relationship is created strong for a reason and nothing and nobody is meant to come between them. There is research done on this topic to prove what I say... research to prove that a bond between a mother and the child she has given birth to is deeper than just biology.
Someone once told me that adoption was natural because it happens in the animal kingdom. Actually, that is another lie. Adoption is a human legality that severs biological relationships. As animals do not have a legal system, adoption in their "kingdom" is non-existent. There is no such thing as adoption to an animal. Sure, there are stories about a kitten being raised by a pack of dogs or some sort of thing but this isn't adoption. Oh no. That is just an example of another species caring for an abandoned/orphaned creature. It has nothing to do with legalities, manipulating a mother to place her child because she "loves" them etc. It is purely an example of what we as a human race should be doing: looking out for the weaker ones and supporting them until they are strong again.
Sadly, the human race is more content on kicking our weaker members of our race while they are down, heck I have even had that very confession from an adoptress out of her own fingers. The role (according to some disillusioned/twisted members of the human race) of mankind is NOT to support those in need but to benefit from the pain and suffering of others. Enter adoption as a prime example.
So yeah. Loving a child so much you give him/her away? Nup. Doesn't work for me and most people living in the real world.
Please check out Cassi's, Jenni's and Mei-Ling's blogs for different perspectives on this issue. Each of them have eloquently offered another inside look into what these words mean to them.