08 January 2017

New Year. New Life.

I started this blog in 2008 as an outlet for my thoughts and feelings on the experience of adoption and as a warning for other young women who were looking into adoption so they would not fall prey to the dark underbelly that adoption hides.  This blog has taken me on a journey – fraught with heated debates and attacks and I have also met some fabulous people from whom I have learned and grown from.  There have been times I have dreaded viewing the comments as there is always someone who wants to dictate your experience to you – despite having never met you and knowing nothing of you!

2016 was a year where my story came to a sort of conclusion, at least for now.  It was a year I had waited for since my newborn was taken from my arms and then stolen outright from me through a corrupt judge and two narcissistic humans who felt entitled to another mother’s child.  I had lived with the false hope that when my grown child heard the truth, she would want to come home.  Of course, this is the real world and life is simply not that straightforward.  Justice does not really exist and it is easy to forget that environment and the way one is raised has a large impact on the way they will react.  Not only was I rejected hard but it became clear there was little, if any, hope of anything in the future.  Following that, I fell into a deep depression and a new hell of OCD – not the type people like to make fun of, but the real, terrifying hell that is sometimes referred to as “Pure O”.  Self-harm has always been a battle for me and I have added some lovely new stripes to my arm which also saw a night in hospital when I finally lost the plot.  In other words, my bank finally broke and I let go.  On top of this, I was also working 5 days a week with a person intent on making my life more miserable than it already was.  I also learned the pain of family betrayal and as a result, no longer have a relationship with my sisters.

Out of this however, and with the guidance of my therapist, I have learned it is okay to look after myself and take care of me for a change.  Ever since I was a little girl and heightened by various traumas throughout my life, I have tended to be compliant and do as I am told to my detriment.  I have literally cut myself into pieces to keep people happy – in every area of my life (except here on my blog which has been my only safe place). 

But now, I am sick of adoption.  I am sick of everything about it.  I am sick of the cruelty, the competition of whose pain is greater, of the comparison of whose voice is less heard or stronger.  I am sick of the way there are others who are never heard from at all and are completely forgotten: the children who are born afterwards and the siblings who lose their sister or brother and the mother they would have had if not for the trauma of forced and wrongful adoption separation.  I am sick of having to void my voice so others can feel okay about themselves.  I want to be free from it all and so I am walking away from it.  Everything.  I have two amazing children who through no fault of their own, have been deeply impacted by the loss of their sister.  My next daughter who is now 13 desperately tried when she was younger to have a relationship with her older sister but she was treated appallingly by both the adopters of her sister and then her sister as well.  Meanwhile, my son is confused about how this was ever allowed to happen and how a daughter can reject her family in the way she has.  I hate seeing this impact and the fallout through my family.  Not only did adoption cost me a child but also any relationship with my siblings.

So in a way, this post is good-bye – at least for now.  I have decided that 2017 is going to be a year of rebuilding my life with my children and husband with no involvement with adoption.  I will never support this barbaric practise and this experience has only solidified my opinion that adoption is just another form of materialism and capitalism – where children are the commodity and those with money can have what they lust for.  Nothing in my entire experience has shown me that adoption can be anything other than evil and those who partake in it, as deliberately abusing families for the sake of what they want.  Those who support this cruel practise are also guilty of abuse and celebrating trauma. 

To the readers I have met and have received support from, thank you, from the bottom of my broken heart.  Your kindness through some of the comments here and through emails, has helped me get through some incredibly dark days and I cherish you.  People forget the power of words – how they can hurt and cause destruction.  I too have been guilty of that – even sometimes unintentionally – and I have had to learn to eat humble pie – which can be a good thing.  But as with all things in life, there comes a time to say “enough” and for now, that is what I will do. 

Thank you and good-bye. 

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn't matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Zahir  

“Bad, or good, as it happens to be, that is what it is to exist! . . . It is as though I have been silent and fuddled with sleep all my life. In spite of all, I know now that at least it is better to go always towards the summer, towards those burning seas of light; to sit at night in the forecastle lost in an unfamiliar dream, when the spirit becomes filled with stars, instead of wounds, and good and compassionate and tender. To sail into an unknown spring, or receive one's baptism on storm's promontory, where the solitary albatross heels over in the gale, and at last come to land. To know the earth under one's foot and go, in wild delight, ways where there is water.”
Malcolm Lowry, Ultramarine